How to Use Your Sex Parts (If You Are a Lady Having Sex with a Man)
If you are even slightly worried, then you are on the wrong track. Because you have already won. By some glorious accident of biology, your sex parts are, when all the math is done (vagina equals penis, breasts KICK ASS), the best! And making you come is a prize! (Do not fake it. You get nothing from this and never will.) Therefore, and never forget it, you have the power. Furthermore, if you even slightly revel in your own body, then you REALLY have the power. A lady is an awesome thing. This is the key to your sex parts. You own them; they want them. Be careful, but not too careful. And learn to switch power roles, back and forth, as quickly as you can turn over. Done.
How to Use Your Sex Parts (If You Are a Man Having Sex with a Lady)
Your main problem is ejaculation. Never forget that. Ejaculation is not your friend but your sworn enemy. Indeed, consider your situation to be one of a struggle to keep the damn thing down. If you last, your lady friend will return; if you do not last, she will not return. She will go elsewhere, looking for something that will last. Who is your ally? An erection. Who is your enemy? Ejaculation. If you move too fast, your enemy will win this war. You have to go so-so and find interesting ways (kissing, fingering, whispering) to take a break from the beat. You have to last. Do not get caught up in the fucking; focus on lasting. Send your mind to the bottom of an ocean, or to a single grain of sand in the Sahara, or to the light of a distant star—do whatever it takes to last. She will return.
How to Use Your Sex Parts (If You Are a Lady Having Sex with a Lady)
Masturbate. A lot. Try different positions, different toys, different orifices (and beyond). Try for different types of orgasms—don't just go for a direct hit (unless you only have five minutes in a public bathroom). Indulge yourself; foreplay isn't just for when other people are around. Play with your fantasies, kinks, and desires. Read up on female sexuality and erotica. Confidence is key when it comes to sex—and the more you try out, the more you will know what works for you and the less timid you'll be about your own and other people's bodies. Plus, that post-orgasm glow looks really good on you.
Communicate. A lot. Everyone's bodies (and brains) are different, even when you are working with similar parts. Rid yourself of preconceived notions about what ladies do with lady parts. You don't have to be romantic and slow. Don't be afraid to fuck. Ask for and take what you want (remembering to make sure everyone involved is on board, of course). Embrace the fluidity that female sexuality has to offer, and play with all the tools you were given and the ones you've bought.
Your hands are your primary tools, so get ready to get arm-deep. Keep your nails trimmed, get latex/latex-free gloves, and lube. With patience and lots of talking you can look forward to fisting, G-spot orgasms, and ejaculating. Strap-ons can also be powerful and exciting. Psychic dick is an amazing thing to experience—so if you are game, it's worth investing in. (Any previously acquired cock-sucking skills can still come in handy when working with silicone.) And don't neglect your classic oral-sex techniques. Three 6 Mafia and the rest of us would rather get some head, and you have the advantage on giving a lady what she really wants.
How to Use Your Sex Parts (If You Are a Man Having Sex with a Man)
You're going to need some lube. Get a water-based lube because it's condom-safe and it won't take a thousand years to wash off. (You can graduate to oil-based lubes when you and what's-his-name move in together, commit to a monogamous relationship, decide to give up condoms since you're only doing each other, and take up marathon fucking.) To suck dick successfully, hold it at the base with one hand, put your mouth over what's remaining, and move your hand and mouth up and down together. If you're going to rim someone: Ask first about his STD and hepatitis status, make sure he's showered and his butt is sparkly clean, then spread his butt cheeks and go for it. To fuck someone, you need condoms and a conversation about STDs first (less-serious STDs than HIV can be transmitted in spite of condoms and make subsequent HIV transmission so much easier). Always ask, "What's your HIV status?" instead of "You're negative, right?"—if a guy is positive and he really wants to fuck you, what do you think he'll say? Don't put a perfect stranger's dick in your mouth, or any dick with sores on it, and don't eat a perfect stranger's butt. Parks, bathhouses, and campus bathrooms are not the answer: Old men covered in diseases go there looking for young guys who don't know any better. If you're not old enough to get into Pony, try online—Adam4Adam.com and Manhunt.net are popular. Always meet for coffee first (many guys on the internet have attractive photos but turn out be obese aliens), and don't do anything that doesn't feel right.
How to Use Your Sex Parts (If You Don't Want to Gender Them)
Maybe you feel like you were born in the wrong body, maybe you love your body but everyone else seems confused about it, maybe you've had surgery or are on hormones, maybe you bind or tuck or accessorize to feel comfortable with or define your gender. Or maybe you just want to fuck someone who does.
But before you hit the sack (or stacks, see below), have at least one actual conversation about sex with your date. Cover basics like what's encouraged and what's off-limits and how you define safe sex. And don't forget that good sex is had with whole bodies, not just the predictable parts. Ideally, we all have lips and fingers and necks and backs and butts and collarbones and nipples. Regardless of gender, the protocol remains the same: Listen—to your own body as well as the one(s) you are entwined with. Communicate—with sounds or words if the meaning of your noises is unclear (never hesitate to ask for what you want). Above all, enjoy—learn how to become lost in your own pleasure as well as someone else's (if you are already a pro at the former, practice the latter, and vice versa). And remember—practice makes perfect.
How to Play Music During Sexy Times
Your soundtrack for amour is important. Don't blow it by playing Christian rock or ska. Certain musical styles have been proven—through rigorous experiments in the field—to set optimal moods and attitudes geared for enhancing sexual performance in Homo sapiens. For instance, nearly any funk cut—no matter how obscure—from 1968 to 1975 should stoke libidos to maximum tumescence/lubricity. Major figures like James Brown, Funkadelic, the Meters, and Rufus and Chaka Khan ought to get you laid, unless you look like Rush Limbaugh on an OxyContin bender. Hell, just perusing Ohio Players' LP covers should get you hornier than a submarine full of seamen. If you're a Europhile, you may find the '70s output of Giorgio Moroder (producer of Donna Summer's sexiest hits) and any compilation with the phrase "Italo/cosmic disco" on it to your concupiscent advantage. If manic rhythms with extreme frequencies stimulate you to ecstatic heights, check out the roster of DFA Records; two lengthy comps of the NYC label's output exist for your delectation, ready to score your scores till the break of dawn—or dusk. Last but not least, metronomic, lush techno and deep house music will also put some robust buck in your bang.
How to Find the Sex Libraries
Every college worth its salt has one—a library where men gather in the appropriately named men's room to revel in their manliness and perhaps leave spooge stains on the floor. But how does one find such men's rooms? Ask the librarian? Follow the scent of CK One and self-loathing? Nope! Simply follow the clues below.
Seattle University: Rumor has it that the facilities located on the library's third and fourth floors are sex central. (Sexy shame-based bonus: God—the ultimate dean of the Jesuit SU—is watching! And He doesn't like what he sees!)
University of Washington: Rumor has it that the UW boasts no less than a half-dozen man-on-man destinations (and not just libraries), including but not limited to the Suzallo & Allen Library (fourth and fifth floors), the Odegaard Undergraduate Library (first floor), the Husky Union Building (second floor), the Communications Building (third floor), and the Waterfront Activities Center (men's locker room).
Seattle Central Community College: There are no rumors about this place. But according to Seattle gay historian Adrian Ryan, "the culinary department's men's potty resembles the last days of the Roman Empire!"
Cornish College of the Arts: This library is extremely small. Proceed with caution, unless you are an extremely small person, in which case revel in open dirtiness wherever!
How to Kill a Baby
Sometimes things happen, like babies. Sometimes, because of life, these babies need to be ended before they begin. Lucky for you, life-living lady, you live in a big, liberal city with big, liberal baby-ending options. This is probably going to be hard, but that does not mean it is the wrong thing to do or the right thing to do. (For the record, just because sometimes someone regrets something does not mean that the thing should be illegal—were that the case, we would like to press criminal charges against the Great Knit Poncho Explosion of 2006.) An abortion will cost you between $300 and $5,000, depending on how far your pregnancy has advanced. Tell whoever impregnated you to pony up some cash. An abortion can be paid for in installments. An abortion can be a pill (better) or it can be an operation (worse). You do not have to tell your parents about your abortion (thank you, Washington State!). You will be okay.
Here are your abortion service options in and around Seattle, listed by location. Downtown: Seattle Medical & Wellness Clinic, 1325 Fourth Ave, Ste 1240, 625-0202, www .smawc.com. Capitol Hill/First Hill: Aurora Medical Services, 1001 Broadway, Ste 320, 957-0990, www.auroramedicalservices.com; Planned Parenthood of Western Washington, 2001 E Madison St, 328-7734, www.ppww .org. Renton: Cedar River Clinics, 4300 Talbot Road S, Ste 403, 425-255-0471, www .cedarriverclinics.org/pages/clinicrenton .html. Tacoma: All Women's Health, 3711 Pacific Ave, Ste 200, 253-471-3464, www .allwomenshealth.net; Cedar River Clinics, 1401A Martin Luther King Jr. Wy, 253-473-6031, www.cedarriverclinics.org/pages/clinic tacoma.html. Lacey (near Olympia): Sound Choice Health Center, 8617 Martin Wy E, Ste 101, 360-456-0291.
How to Speak About Arty Things
In general, it is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove yourself one. But if you must speak on an arty subject, just be honest—don't name-drop, don't make up shit about light and perspective and Freudian symbolism and postmodern theory unless you've read—and written essays about—the books. Say what you think and don't try to impress anybody, especially yourself. The great news is this: While good art is a marvelous thing to behold and even bad art can be instructive, arty events tend to attract plenty of loud-mouthed morons who will do the (embarrassing) talking for you.
How to Be a Foodie
Do not use the word "foodie," and give up on finding a good substitute: There isn't one. You are merely a person who has a modicum of knowledge about, and enjoys a variety of, different foods. (This is very fashionable right now, and for good reason: It's healthier than a fast- and processed-food diet, and being willing to put almost anything in your mouth is hot.) Read up on the foods of different cultures (Wikipedia is a fine start), and read food writing (local papers, magazines, M.F.K. Fisher). Try all kinds of food on the Ave; look for places that are full and that have high ratings online. Try good, inexpensive restaurants elsewhere: Jade Garden (424 Seventh Ave S, 622-8181) for dim sum; Cafe Presse (1117 12th Ave, 709-7674) for unpretentious French; Tacos el Asadero (in the bus at 3517 Rainier Ave S) for Mexican; Salumi (309 Third Ave S, 621-8772) and Paseo (two locations, www.paseoseattle.com) for sandwiches; Musashi's (1400 N 45th St, 633-0212) or Hana (219 Broadway E, 328-1187) for sushi. Go eat oysters at the (awesome) happy hour at Elliott's on the waterfront (1201 Alaskan Way, Pier 56, 623-4340); it's open to all ages. Find other all-ages happy hours; it's a cheap way to eat at great places. Be ready with a wish list when someone else is paying or when you have some cash. When you're broke, journey to Uwajimaya, browse (and marvel!), and buy good ramen (the frozen kinds are the best). Go to the farmers market, browse, talk to people. Learn to cook. In general, with food—as with all things—do not bloviate. Rather, share your secrets. Be excited. Bring a date. They will love you.
How to Behave at a Music Show
The basic rule of how to behave at a music show is kind of the same rule that governs how to behave everywhere in life (you may want to clip this one out of the paper and tack it onto your wall): Be mindful of your surroundings and the people around you, and don't be a jerk. It's that easy! Are other people moshing? No? Then maybe it's not a good show to be moshing at—maybe you're at a disco and you didn't notice. Are other people dancing? Maybe you would like to dance also! Is the show so crowded that you can't really move without stepping on toes and bumping into hapless spectators? Maybe you should watch it with the elbows then, buddy. Of course, this is not an ironclad rule. You are a special, unique individual—possibly more special and unique than anyone who has ever been to a rock concert!—and you need to express that special uniqueness; you don't have to conform. Don't be afraid to be the only person dancing or the first person jumping around and—without malice—bumping into your neighbors (every show needs one first brave soul to get things moving). Just be aware that some people may not want to dance or have you moshing into them, and it would be awfully nice of you to let them enjoy the show in their own special and unique way.
How to Support Music Even Though You Steal It by Illegal Download
You love music. Who doesn't? But you're also a broke college student who eats uncooked ramen for fun on a Friday night. So of course you're illegally downloading music and/or sharing files with your friends. BUT! You still want to support the artists you love, so that they can afford to keep eating ramen noodles in the style to which they've become accustomed and, more importantly, keep making the music you love. How do you do it? Simple: You pay to go to shows (you don't sneak in or beg for a spot on your buddy the bass player's guest list unless you really, really have to), you buy some merch from the band while you're at it (a T-shirt, the vinyl, some physical object that you couldn't download anyway). It's win-win: You get to experience live music and go home with a souvenir, and performers get to make some kind of pittance. If you're under 21, some places you can do this include the always all-ages Vera Project, the Old Fire House, the Moore, the Paramount, Town Hall, the Triple Door, Josephine, occasional in-stores at Sonic Boom and Easy Street Records, and the only-sometimes all-ages El Corazón, Chop Suey, Neumos, Nectar, and two locations of the Showbox. (Check The Stranger's weekly music listings for more options.)
How to Be in the Art World
The art world of Seattle, compared to other cities, is a magically open place where approximately 100 percent of success is in showing up. You want to become a student and critic of contemporary art? Start by going to First Thursday, which happens on the night of the first Thursday of every month, mostly in Pioneer Square. The galleries (all free—ALL FREE) are open and, if you're lucky, serving booze. Don't miss museum shows (the three main museums: Henry Art Gallery, Seattle Art Museum, and Frye Art Museum, the last of which is entirely FREE of charge and so is its parking lot), which change about quarterly. Want to sit around before dawn and talk about art or listen to some people who do? Go to the back room at Cafe Presse on Tuesday mornings starting at 7:00 and you're in. To join the art world, you need precisely what you need to join every other world, and nothing more or less: curiosity, devotion, and more curiosity.
How to Not Fall Asleep at the Theater
If you're not into the show, leave at intermission—or before. You've got better things to do with your life than sit through boring theater. Plus, there's no better way to ruin a fundamentally good thing (sex, food, art) than agonizing through one of its inferior iterations. If you must stay, for the sake of a date or something, focus on one thing: the shoes, the hang of a curtain, a certain prop. The way theatrical artifice breaks down under scrutiny can be amusing. But if it isn't ringing your bell, you should just go. Some companies and theaters to get excited about: the Cody Rivers Show (hilarious, bizarre), Implied Violence (experimental but mesmerizing), On the Boards (imports dance and odd work from around the world), "Awesome" (an art-pop/basement band that make unusual musicals), WET (hot scripts from New York and Chicago), Sgt. Rigsby and His Amazing Silhouettes (lewd, loopy puppetry). Seattle's three regional theaters—Intiman, ACT, the Seattle Rep—hit more often than they miss. Most theaters have student or rush tickets for cheap. And read the reviews in The Stranger's theater section—we'll take care of you.
How to Be a Soccer Fan
The star of the Sounders, Seattle's new major-league soccer team, is Freddie Ljungberg, a Swedish underwear model who likes to lose his temper at refs and sometimes gets banned from games for it (he says the refs in Europe take it better). Then there's the "other Fredy"—22-year-old Colombian forward Fredy Montero, whose bursts of brilliance make up for his frustrating inconsistency (also: nice butt). The local genius on the team is Kasey Keller, a steady, serious, unfuckwithable presence on the field, even though he's confined to the goalkeeper's box. And the guy with the best biography is Osvaldo Alonso, a Cuban defector who walked away from his Cuban team in a Wal-Mart in Texas a couple years ago and never looked back. It's a great fucking team—playing an old, simple, sexy game. For reasons no one's really figured out, the Sounders have higher average attendance at home games than any other team in American major-league soccer. They play at Qwest Field. You can get tickets at www.soundersfc.com. Wear green.
How to Be Outside (Wild)
Well, here you are: the great Pacific Northwest, the Evergreen State, Flavor Country. We're known for, like, three things: grunge (ugh), coffee (double ugh), and trees (swoon!). Since you're stuck here until you graduate or burn out and get a job at Orange Julius, you might as well enjoy all the squirrels and splendor and shit.
There's plenty to do adventurewise. Washington State has amazing skiing and snowboarding at Snoqualmie and Stevens Pass, both about an hour's drive away; hiking and rock climbing at Tiger Mountain; camping at a zillion state parks; and kayaking IN FRICKING SEATTLE. Also, you can always swim in the lakes. You just walk down there and keep walking until the land ends and you are wet. It is amazing.
If you would like to become a mountain man/woman, you have come to the right place! Grow a beard or armpit hairs. Get a Nalgene bottle. And go to the Olympic Peninsula, where there is even a rain forest. (Yes!)
How to Be Outside (Tame)
If you have a desire to spend time outdoors without getting too far away from your TV, laptop, and civilization, there's plenty of woodsy shit to do in-city. Seattle has, like, 19,003 parks, but Discovery Park in Magnolia is perhaps the best place in Seattle to take a long walk, smoke a joint, and eat a sandwich without being bothered. Green Lake is also a fine place to sit and ogle joggers. You can also rest in a big grassy field and watch (or play) a pickup basketball game at Green Lake's court, or rent a kayak or pedal boat and float around the lake. There's also a swing set and totally sweet merry-go-round, and sometimes some people do a thing involving dancing and rollerblading simultaneously, and you can watch this, and you will like it.
Cal Anderson Park on Capitol Hill is beautiful in the summer—and there's a big concrete water-filled sculpture to splash around in—and Victor Steinbrueck Park, at the north end of the Pike Place Market, has a fantastic view of Puget Sound and is great for people-watching. Bonus: It's also one of the best places in the city to buy crack and get stabbed by a hobo.
If you have something against parks (ass-hole!), then go hang out at a farmers market or something (www.seattlefarmersmarkets.org).
And here's another idea: For basically the price of a movie ticket, you can ride the ferry to Bainbridge Island and back. Just pay your fare, walk on, and there will be wind and water and such.
How to Get in a Hot Tub/Sauna Situation
You may be asked to wear a pink hat! You are going to look so stupid! Just do it, because your life is about to get much, much, much better. The Land of Pink Hats (and mandatorially naked ladies; the hats are required for hygiene reasons, ostensibly, but more likely the owners just want to have a laugh) is Olympus Spa, with two locations: Tacoma and Lynnwood. These are Korean spas, which means they have everything a regular spa has (hot tubs, cold plunges, steam saunas, dry saunas, massages), but they also have something called a body scrub. In a body scrub, a Korean lady scrubs your skin off. It is pretty great. At Banya 5, which is located more conveniently in South Lake Union, both men and women are allowed (on coed days you wear a bathing suit), there are no pink hats, and the tradition is Russian. This means that in addition to the regular stuff (see above), you can hire a person to smack you with giant leaves, according to custom. Olympus and Banya 5 cost $30 to $35 just to get in (after which you have unlimited use of the facilities, but special services like massage or scrubbing cost extra)—but for the student budget the perfect place (for ladies only) is Hothouse on Capitol Hill, which is much smaller but has the basics (hot tub, saunas, massage available) and where entry is only $12. If you can, try not to think about being naked (because it will make you less afraid of being naked). Naked? Me? But I have this pink hat!
How to Drink in a Park
We are not Europe, yet. Soon we will be, but until then, drinking in public is illegal. What to do about this problem? No biggie. Just drink your booze from coffee cups, if you want to walk down the street; or drink in parks with lots of trees, if you do not want to disguise your booze. A bad park to drink in: Cal Anderson Park. (There's not enough vegetation in that place; cops can see you in a minute.) A good park for drinking: the Arboretum. (There are plenty of trees and bushes in that park, and cops almost never enter it.) In general, you can mark the parks designed by the influential early-20th-century landscape designers the Olmsted Brothers (Volunteer Park!) as good for drinking. The Olmsteds understood that a great park must afford the visitor a certain measure of privacy.
How to Find Hot Springs
Use the internet. The Sol Duc Hot Springs are a well-trod (and paved and policed) path full of families and nudists. And though the two camps frequently squabble in entertaining ways, both tend toward patronizing sanctimony and neither are much fun. In general, you'll want an at least 2.5-mile hike for some privacy, but people (even your fellow Back-to-School-Guide readers) are liable to turn up anywhere, so be courteous. As for alcohol: Spring for champagne and sip, don't glug. As for drugs: Being lost and high in the woods in the dark is bad news (we speak from experience). As for sex: Sadly, it's not the best idea—the thermophilic bacteria that live in hot springs are good for your outsides, but not so good for your insides. And by the time you've arranged yourself on a towel or a bed of moss and ferns, you'll probably feel pretty damn cold. Do what the spirit moves you (of course!) but don't be disappointed if circumstances are not conducive to Happy Fun Sexy Times. Pack it in, pack it out, etc., etc.
How to Read Books That Will Get You Laid
Unless you are some sort of Ferris Bueller–style genius of avoidance, you will read books when you are in school. Some of these books will be good. Some of these books will be very bad. But probably none of them will get you laid. And lots of the books that students typically read for fun—those enormous fantasy-novel series by obese, bearded men; Twilight; 120 Days of Sodom—will also definitely not help you score.
So here's the thing: If you can speak Spanish, you should read Pablo Neruda's love poetry in the original. There's nothing a dewy-eyed woman won't do for you once you've broken out "Ausencia" in a whispery voice. And if you're looking to unleash epic horniness, there's nothing like couples reading to each other: Try a Richard Brautigan story or two (The Abortion: An Historical Romance 1966 works every time), or, if you're looking to go nuclear, José Saramago's slender, lovely The Tale of the Unknown Island will keep you swimming in lakes of hot sex until the very end of your days.
How to Be a Non-Annoying Vegan
As a vegan in the U.S., you are by definition a pain in the ass. Your dietary habits literally go against the grain of most American restaurants and food companies, making you a problematic dining companion, even in supposedly enlightened cities like Seattle. Americans and the eating establishments that cater to them largely operate under the notion that consuming meat and dairy products is normal, healthy, and ecologically sustainable until the end of time. Most vegans call bullshit on these assumptions, but it's best to do so silently—unless, of course, you enjoy ostracism. Don't preach; instead, lead by example. Flaunt your clear skin, svelte figure, alert eyes, and bountiful energy, the result of arteries and intestines unclogged by buttery/meaty fats and a mind untainted by animal hormones. Take your friends to vegancentric bistros like Wayward Vegan Cafe, Araya's Place, Squid & Ink, Hillside Quickie, and Plum, and prove to them that this fare isn't bland, but rather flavorful—just in different, rootsier ways than they're accustomed to. Who knows, you may end up converting hardcore carnivores to a lifestyle that doesn't involve oppressing animals and hastening the demise of the planet—and fattening butts to heinous dimensions.
How to Convert a Crush into Something More
Gather some information about your crush without being stalker-y. What are they into? Where do they hang out? Meanwhile—and this is key—do interesting stuff yourself. Make weird art, go to plays and shows, skinny-dip in fountains, walk across the entire city, read The Stranger. Voilà: You're a person with unusual and fascinating experiences and observations, and that's hot. Now wrest control of your own mind: You are not hopelessly crushed out on this person who is so, so great—rather, you are a great, great person who would like to assess whether this person is a good fit for you (for whatever purposes you've got in mind). Say, "Hi, I'm [your name here]," and ask a pertinent (and ideally funny) question. Be ready to talk about what you've been up to and why it's been crazy, amazing, etc. Smile and make eye contact (this is not rocket science, people). Meanwhile—and this is key—let go of any hopes or expectations about the outcome. Think of this person as a possible friend, if they seem cool. (It's good to test all this out on people other than your crush—people with whom you really don't care about the outcome—frequently.) Are they responding well? Have a friendly invitation ready, and have fun. Note: If at first you don't succeed, fuck it! Do not feel awkward or bad. Say hi next time you see them, and start looking for your next crush. At this rate, you're going to get laid—and make collateral friends along the way—at a nearly alarming rate.
How to Be Polyamorous
You're young, hot, and smart. Now is the time to question the mores you were raised with, such as compulsory heterosexuality and religion—why not add monogamy to the mix?
So what's this polyamory business? Just a fancy term for slut/player? (Note the sexism.) Polyamory is whatever you want it to be. At the most basic level, it's a rejection of monogamy as the default; beyond that, the possibilities are endless. Want to date two people at once, without the guilt or the hiding? Want to focus on one primary relationship and leave room for occasional dabbling? Want to be your own primary relationship and casually date someone on the side? Want to date someone who's already in another relationship? Don't know what you want? Try something, check in with yourself and others, then adjust accordingly.
No matter which lineup you choose, it helps to work out some agreements about safe sex, disclosure, boundaries, expectations, and time spent together. Things can get really fun really fast, not to mention really complicated. Make sure you get enough sleep/exercise/healthy food; don't shirk your passions/friends/homework; and unless you are living with a partner, spend at least two nights each week alone in your own bed. Above all, don't neglect your sanity—you don't want to be young, hot, smart... and crazy.
How to Be a Good Friend
A good friend is fun, reliable, and generous. Be available. Look at and listen to people when they talk. Pick up the check sometimes. Do not miss people's birthday parties. If someone asks you a question, ask them the same question back, because you care. Share details about your life (friends like to feel informed). Hug a person. Be honest with a person. Also, it's important to be able to make fun of your friends in a playful and nonhurtful way. Like, say they get a new camera and you try to grab for it, but you have lemon cake on your hands, and then they say, "It's digitaaaaaal, DON'T TOUCH!" but it comes out it a weird voice, it is your duty to then say, "It's digital, DON'T TOUCH!" in a weird voice to them every day for the rest of their lives. This is what friends do. And finally: When someone is having a life problem, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you say to them, "Would it make you feel better if I told you [some mildly unpleasant thing happening in your life]?" No! No it would not!!! Only a bad friend says that!
How to Be a Bad Friend
To be a bad friend, you must talk about yourself constantly but never ask questions, lie without remorse, steal stuff, and generally be an annoying and/or boring bitch and/or male-version-of-bitch. When someone tells you something embarrassing about herself, like "I ate a Filet-O-Fish and then accidentally pooped my pants in the museum, but please don't tell anyone, especially Steve because I like him sooo much," be nice to her face but then just go fucking tell everyone, ESPECIALLY Steve. Then make out with Steve. God, you suck.
How to Be Broken Up With
You know what's awesome? Someone who gets dumped and, months later, incessantly laments the details of their breakup. Also awesome: the person who routinely bitches about their ex. JK! Those people are The Worst. Here's how to avoid being one of them.
Step one: Remember that being dumped is the most devastating thing that will ever happen to you. At least when people die, they say good-bye reluctantly. But this person who dumped you—that gorgeous human who you're still completely in love with—they're trying to get away from you. They don't want you. They never will again. It doesn't matter that they used to want you. It's over now. Just as certainly as gravity, it's done. You can talk to friends about your pain and weep into your mattress for a month, but then you must move on.
Step two: Move on. Get drunk with friends, go to parties, fuck new people, win at school, and work out so you look hotter than when you were dating the fucker who dumped you. Then you will be successful and hot, meet someone new, and start all over again. Can't do that? Shut up and bear it like the rest of us.
How to Have Sex and Not Care About It
Okay, we don't actually think people should have sex and not care about it. It's not that you shouldn't have meaningless sex. One-night stands are great and can lead to lifetime stands. And sex for sex's sake—sex that can't lead to anything—is legit. But you should care about the sex you're having and the people you're having it with even if you don't plan on seeing your new friend ever again.
Heck, especially if you don't plan on seeing them again.
You should care about making sure you get actual consent—that's a big, fat, unambiguous "YES, I WANT TO FUCK YOU"—and you should care about using birth control and you should care enough to protect yourself and your sex partners from sexually transmitted infection.
But here's how to have sex without getting all emotionally involved: Remind yourself, when you're having sex—consensual, safe, protected sex—that there's sex and then there's love, and you can have sex without love and love without sex. You'll still get hurt, of course, and you'll screw up and become attached to someone you only meant to have sex with, not love, or someone will become attached to you. But so long as you take care to always have safe, protected, and consensual sex, you'll survive that other kind of not caring.