September 5, 2012

Columns

I, Anonymous

I'm Going to Steal Your Boyfriend

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You and I became casual friends, but the only reason I've stayed in our friendship is your boyfriend. I've witnessed firsthand how he's treated you like gold, supported you both emotionally and financially—yet you nag and criticize him for the littlest things. You brag about how great he is in the sack—yet you complain that he wants sex more than once a week. He has taken you on vacations, dinners, dates that sound amazing—but when we all hang out, you spend half the time avoiding him. If I didn't know you two were together, I wouldn't even think you liked him. When you do spend time with him, you constantly shush and restrain him, like a prudish Victorian who has a child she wants seen but not heard.

You are a beautiful, shallow twat with low self-esteem. You keep tearing him down so he won't notice that, besides good looks, you don't have much to offer. He's witty, goofy, sweet, gentlemanly, good-looking, and loyal (I've flirted with him a few times, and he's never responded).

He's starting to see through your bullshit and manipulations; cracks are appearing in your hollow shell of a relationship. I'm doing all I can to hasten the day that liberates him from you. When the time comes, I'm going to be all the things for him that you never were. I'm going to cherish all the little things that make him unique and endearing, the things that you ridicule and deride him for. I'll thank my lucky stars every day if he and I can be together.

So why am I giving away my plan, giving you a heads up so that you can thwart me? You don't read The Stranger. Your boyfriend does.

—Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.
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Comments (26) RSS

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1
You’re making a lot of assumptions about this guy’s relationship, but the reality is that you are in no position to know anything about it. You come off sounding like just another relation wrecking bitch. Go drown you bitchiness in COCAINE and MALT LIQOUR and leave this guy and his girlfriend alone.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on September 5, 2012 at 9:27 AM · Report
2
They're all "great guys" being treated badly for no reason by their mean, rotten girlfriends or wives...until you're the one who has to live with them. Do yourself a favor and skip it or at least wait until the relationship ends on its own.
Posted by Been the "mean wife" on September 5, 2012 at 9:42 AM · Report
3
Her boyfriend is with her and not you for a reason. Deal with it.
Posted by suddenlyorcas on September 5, 2012 at 9:43 AM · Report
Fenrox 4
Oh come on, Lets hear a crazy plan! I think you should destroy the girl and manipulate the guy into loving you.
Posted by Fenrox on September 5, 2012 at 10:58 AM · Report
5
Am I correct in assuming you want this guy to read your "confession"? And then you out yourself as a manipulative bitch of a "friend" that happily schemes to end a relationship for personal gain without a second thought? And to top it off, in describing the guy there isn't a single word that even hints at any love you feel for him, your listing of his "assets" make him sound more like a prize to be grabbed.

You'd better hope he does *not* realize who you are and that you're talking about him. Pardon me for rooting for him to do so, though, and to dodge a bullet.
Posted by ElaineS on September 5, 2012 at 12:26 PM · Report
6
sounds like he's the one with low self-esteem. Good luck.
Posted by ggg on September 5, 2012 at 12:37 PM · Report
7
If you tried to flirt with him and it failed, what makes you think he'll want you?
Posted by Diagoras on September 5, 2012 at 4:23 PM · Report
Breklor 8
Anyone who uses the phrase "steal your boyfriend" unironically has the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old. Grow the fuck up. (Although, your "friend" should too, and her boyfriend should leave you both in the dust.)
Posted by Breklor on September 5, 2012 at 4:28 PM · Report
9
In this comment thread: Lot's of insecure women hoping it isn't them in the article.
Posted by WarezPunk on September 5, 2012 at 4:32 PM · Report
10
What's she got to lose? Go for it.

Worst case scenario: another IA from one of the other two, right?

Here, I'll give you the lede: "OK bitch, you tried to steal my boyfriend and it all blew up in your face. Ha! You think I don't read the Stranger? Stupid twat."
Posted by Paddy Mac on September 6, 2012 at 6:42 AM · Report
11
To the boyfriend reading The Stranger right now, I give you the best advice you will ever receive in your entire life:

DON'T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY.

And this bitch is most definitely, without a doubt crazy.
Posted by the_spiral on September 6, 2012 at 6:52 AM · Report
monkwild 12
Rabbit boiler!!!!!!!!!
Posted by monkwild on September 6, 2012 at 7:01 AM · Report
13
if they break up, i doubt the first thing he would do is get with you. You sound jealous and obsessed with trying to save a guy that doesnt need to be saved. Focus on yourself instead of trying to ruin someone else's relationship.
Posted by mnamiki on September 6, 2012 at 11:02 AM · Report
14
Maybe he doesn't respond to your flirting because he's not into you...
Posted by Gigi99 on September 6, 2012 at 11:29 AM · Report
15
Why is twat an insult?
Posted by anatole on September 6, 2012 at 3:15 PM · Report
16
sounds like to much cocaine and malt liquour
Posted by yesidid on September 6, 2012 at 3:59 PM · Report
17
She told you how good he is in bed?

I'm thinking she's trolling for a threesome. Worth a shot. The girlfriend certainly sounds hot.
Posted by Cletus on September 6, 2012 at 4:33 PM · Report
18
Don't listen to the comments here. They're all made by twats with low self esteem that live in terror of the day their good-as-gold boyfriend kicks them to the curb. Good luck!
Posted by Go for it on September 7, 2012 at 12:54 PM · Report
19
This I, Anonymous would make a great country song.
Posted by Joe Glibmoron on September 8, 2012 at 12:28 AM · Report
20
...motion picture soon to be filmed.
Posted by intolerantor on September 8, 2012 at 7:55 AM · Report
21
I can totally hear the country song. It's being sung to the tune of "Concrete and Barbed Wire" by Lucinda Williams. Only it's called "Cocaine and Malt Liquor" instead.
Posted by jack chandelier on September 8, 2012 at 4:28 PM · Report
22
You wouldn't even need to change the lyrics except for "concrete and barbed wire" to "cocaine and malt liquor" - the "wall" is the other girl, aaaand DONE.
Posted by jack chandelier on September 8, 2012 at 4:32 PM · Report
23
As much as I love Monsieur Zifferelli, it's #11 FTW.
Posted by Ryvok on September 8, 2012 at 8:41 PM · Report
24
Isn't this "I,A" basically just a rewrite of "Sk8er Boi"?
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on September 9, 2012 at 12:43 AM · Report
25
The I, Anon writer is exactly the kind of vicious twat that gives scheming shrews everywhere their deserved reputation. I pity the man if he takes up with this psycho bitch, the sex will be great for the first few weeks, then this mental case will attach herself around his neck like a dog collar.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on September 12, 2012 at 7:57 AM · Report
hexalm 26
...attach herself like an obnoxious AZ post...
Posted by hexalm on October 28, 2012 at 2:29 PM · Report

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