STEVEN WEISSMAN

Dear family I nannied for: Thank you for firing me. Seriously. Because if you hadn't fired me for having my husband bring over a pizza (which he paid for with his own money) and our dog (which your kids love) for some Sunday night fetch, you probably would have fired me for some other ridiculous reason, like forgetting to polish the bars on the windows or neglecting to arm the land mines in the front yard after it got dark.

Just so you know: (1) I was GOING OUT OF MY WAY to do something nice for your children. I have worked with literally thousands of kids over the past 10 years, and not a single one of them has died or been raped or kidnapped while under my care. (2) I didn't invite a stranger into your house; I invited my husband of 10 years. Thanks for your faith in my taste in men. Clearly, I married him because he is a drunk, violent, murderous pedophile. (3) If you really think that I "betrayed your trust" and "invaded your home," then I truly feel sorry for you. You must live in a world so full of paranoia that you cannot sleep. If the bogeyman doesn't kill you, the stress certainly will.

In addition, I would like to thank you for chastising me so thoroughly by telling me that people "shouldn't do innocent things that appear devious." It's about time someone started treating me like the irresponsible 13-year-old that I really am. After all, I did sneak a "strange man" into your house... mostly so that my parents wouldn't find out that I was letting someone get to second base. Let me counter your comment with one of my own: "People shouldn't do devious things that appear innocent." So you may think that you have your children's best interest in mind and that you're keeping them safe, but all you've really done is deny them the opportunity to spend time with a great nanny and deny yourself the opportunity to learn to trust someone else in your community.

—Anonymous