STEVEN WEISSMAN

For the past year, you have dated two guys without them knowing about each other. You often joke that you want to convince them to be "brother-husbands." You're a hot woman with lots going for you, but you're so fucking delusional.

You say guy #1 is "romantic, physically fit, funny, but just not the social caliber" you need, and guy #2 is an "East Coast socialite, witty, but not so hot." You say that you just need a little more time to decide which one you want to be with. "Do I want private jets with a husband always on the road or a humble life where I'm a working mom?" Reality check—you will get NONE, because lies don't last forever.

I've been there through the past year of bullshit excuses, and I deserve to be there when the chips fall and both guys leave you. I've earned the right to witness this spectacle. I just want to see the breakdown when you realize your "magic pussy" can't save you this time. When a whole year of karma slingshots back at you like jizz in the eye. Oh, this is going to be good! Someone pop some popcorn.

—Anonymous