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I, Anonymous

Dear Balcony Jacker

Multiple times per day, you come out to your balcony to smoke a cig, scroll through porn on your iPad, and jack off with your hand down your pajama pants rubbing ever so consistently and aggressively. (Except the few times you actually pulled out the purple monster in broad daylight because perhaps the sunshine was too warm? Or maybe the porn you found was extra special?) Just so you know, WE SEE YOU. You think nobody notices you in the private balcony cove of your overpriced corporate housing apartment, but all you need to do is look up. We're right here working in our office just a few floors above. We cannot help but notice and wonder how you are not completely chafed. You may want to consider lube or a quality lotion. Where does the stamina come from? And for Christ's sake, empty the fucking ashtray. The overflowing ashtray butts are totally disgusting.

—Anonymous

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Comments (31) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
Texas10R 1
Now, THAT'S a high-grade I, Anon! It would be even better, now that the "I, Anon" cherry has been popped, to out the location on the net, or put it on YouTube.
Posted by Texas10R on March 19, 2014 at 10:04 AM · Report this
2
Excellent. Especially that you're more disgusted by the ashtray.
Posted by portland scribe on March 19, 2014 at 10:24 AM · Report this
debug 3
This is what live webcams are for. Set one up so everybody can enjoy the spectacle.
Posted by debug on March 19, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this
4
Film the guy and post it on line, with his face clearly visible...DUHHHH!!!!
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on March 19, 2014 at 4:50 PM · Report this
5
This balcony guy is a voyeur. He wants you to see him. Try water balloons, loud laughing or just call the cops if it bothers you that much. Masturbating in full view of your neighbors is illegal, he could be a sex offender and the next step for him would be to show up at your door with his unit hanging out. Most of these guys have pretty low self esteem and a word from the coppers would probably do the trick. These behaviors don't go away it's like being gay, you are born that way and it's yours for life.
Posted by longwayhome on March 19, 2014 at 8:18 PM · Report this
6
longwayhome: Oh, thanks so much for lumping us gay folks in with the serial masturbators! Well, at least you didn't say something about the homosexuals and their homosexual "lifestyle".
Posted by DrummerGrrl on March 19, 2014 at 8:48 PM · Report this
7 Comment Pulled (Trolling) Comment Policy
Sea Otter 8
@5 He's an exhibitionist - the reverse of a voyeur.

I dealt with a guy jerking off in my proximity at the beach simply by yelling at him and telling him to leave. He acted very sheepish and surprised, like, "who - me??"
Posted by Sea Otter on March 19, 2014 at 11:28 PM · Report this
9
pictures please.
Posted by woofy on March 20, 2014 at 7:56 AM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 10
@8 YES! Get your kinks right!
Posted by TheMisanthrope on March 20, 2014 at 11:09 AM · Report this
Fnarf 11
A Super Soaker filled with a mild bleach solution.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on March 20, 2014 at 12:26 PM · Report this
12
Get a bullhorn and shout "empty the fucking ashtray you slob!". It gets the salient points across.
Posted by wxPDX on March 20, 2014 at 12:46 PM · Report this
Allyn 13
Yes; the cig butts are disgusting, but just not your business. btfo.
Posted by Allyn on March 20, 2014 at 12:48 PM · Report this
dwightmoodyforgetsthings 14
I'm just glad there's no office building near me.
Posted by dwightmoodyforgetsthings http://www.reddit.com/r/spaceclop on March 20, 2014 at 1:10 PM · Report this
15
Wait its purple?
Posted by dkjndmsahksdhksal on March 20, 2014 at 1:19 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 16
Some people are lucky when it comes to neighbors.
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay http://www.danlangdon.com on March 20, 2014 at 5:43 PM · Report this
Ballard Pimp 17
I wondered what Richard Conlin was doing with his spare time these days...
Posted by Ballard Pimp on March 20, 2014 at 8:59 PM · Report this
18
@6 Sorry to have offended you, I just meant that sexual behavior is not something that persons can change readily. I have a lot of gay friends and none of them would do something like Mr. balcony. My apologies to all the persons that I may have offended, I will go pick up trash on the freeway for 6 hours tomorrow to pay my debt to the Stranger.
Posted by longwayhome on March 20, 2014 at 9:03 PM · Report this
19
@6 I forgot to mention that if you would like to personally spank me I would be forever in your debt.
Posted by longwayhome on March 20, 2014 at 9:06 PM · Report this
20
Not that I'm a fan of internet "trolls" but, seriously, how does a comment get pulled for trolling on THIS thread?
Posted by worldcitizen on March 21, 2014 at 12:19 AM · Report this
Texas10R 21
@18

1) The cliché "I have a lot of (insert ethnic or cultural demographic) friends" is often a dead giveaway of negative cultural bias.

2) You have no conclusive knowledge whether one or any of your "lot of gay friends" would do "something like Mr. Balcony."

3) For safety reasons, unauthorized pedestrians in non-emergency situations are not generally allowed on the freeway. Please leave the Stranger out of it.
Posted by Texas10R on March 22, 2014 at 6:42 PM · Report this
22
@21 I have apologized for my first post. You have pissed me off by continuing to pursue my previous transgression. In retrospect I'm not sure why I'm responding to your post, except to say that you have wasted 8 minutes of my life.
Posted by longwayhome on March 22, 2014 at 8:43 PM · Report this
23
AND....If you are really from Texas, I can understand your ignorance of humor, human rights violations and common sense.
Posted by longwayhome on March 22, 2014 at 8:54 PM · Report this
24
I hate it when a poster challenges you and then disappears @18.
Posted by longwayhome on March 23, 2014 at 8:05 PM · Report this
25
I meant @ 21
Posted by longwayhome on March 23, 2014 at 8:06 PM · Report this
26
The times I get extra excited are when I know you are watching, thanks for confirming.
Posted by bakatya on March 24, 2014 at 12:12 PM · Report this
27
Photo of the balcony in question (no faces!) and a rolled up copy of the issue this article is in, with big arrow pointing to it. Will see if he actually reads it! http://imgur.com/kScGYjr
Posted by balcony view on March 25, 2014 at 11:49 AM · Report this
28
@27 We want EVIDENCE!
Posted by longwayhome on March 25, 2014 at 8:41 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 29
@27 Unless that picture was taken with a telephoto lens, that is an uncomfortably close view.
Posted by Sea Otter on March 25, 2014 at 11:25 PM · Report this
30
great I just looked out my office window and realized this is just across from me. Sigh, now I am going to be wondering about it, and I had just got over the naked lady with the Ipad every day two one apartment over. sigh.
Posted by raged44 on March 26, 2014 at 3:43 PM · Report this
31
@20 lol you said pulled
Posted by bob87ubb on March 26, 2014 at 9:16 PM · Report this

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