Steven Weissman

Multiple times per day, you come out to your balcony to smoke a cig, scroll through porn on your iPad, and jack off with your hand down your pajama pants rubbing ever so consistently and aggressively. (Except the few times you actually pulled out the purple monster in broad daylight because perhaps the sunshine was too warm? Or maybe the porn you found was extra special?) Just so you know, WE SEE YOU. You think nobody notices you in the private balcony cove of your overpriced corporate housing apartment, but all you need to do is look up. We're right here working in our office just a few floors above. We cannot help but notice and wonder how you are not completely chafed. You may want to consider lube or a quality lotion. Where does the stamina come from? And for Christ's sake, empty the fucking ashtray. The overflowing ashtray butts are totally disgusting.

—Anonymous