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I, Anonymous

I Made You and You Suck

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Steven Weissman

You would tell me all your troubles with your friends, and I would help you find solutions. When your best friend acted crazy and threatened suicide, I put you in touch with a therapist to talk over your feelings of guilt and manipulation. When you lost your housing, I helped you to get into an apartment and furnished it for you and encouraged you to get through college. When you wanted to start a design business, I bought you the machines you needed for a graduation present. When you were hitting your boyfriend over his online porn addiction, I recommended you get counseling and figure out if you could work this out or if you should let go. So when I was told that you might harm yourself if I talked to you, I was completely baffled and confused. At first I felt angry and betrayed. But I backed off and have not made any attempt to contact you or to know what is going on in your life for almost three years. Now you are making false accusations against me that are costing me thousands of dollars in attorney fees. And I found out only a few weeks ago the horrendous lies you told the courts about me years ago, just like all the lies you told over the years whenever you wanted sympathy to cover your bad behaviors. I may be a slow learner, but I have learned what to expect from you now. I have all the evidence: photos of you and your boyfriend smiling at my birthday party, the letters and postcards you sent me saying "Love always," etc. Your miserable life is your own doing, not mine. Love, Mom

—Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.
 

Comments (54) RSS

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Godzilla1916 1
Cut the cord!
Posted by Godzilla1916 on April 9, 2014 at 9:11 AM · Report this
2
Holy fucking SHIT I'm glad I'm childless!
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 9, 2014 at 1:48 PM · Report this
TCLballardwallymont 3
Pointless without a massive amount of further details.

Stranger Staff - you're really slipping on the quality of these invented IA letters.
Posted by TCLballardwallymont on April 9, 2014 at 1:49 PM · Report this
4
Blaw, blaw, blaw... COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR...
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on April 9, 2014 at 3:47 PM · Report this
freesandbags 5
I'm sorry mom..........can I have 10 bucks?
Posted by freesandbags on April 9, 2014 at 9:12 PM · Report this
6
Another "free range" child. Lifes a real bitch when you do a piss poor job of parenting, thanks "mom" for foisting another loser on society.The old saying "The apple does'nt fall far from the tree" sounds accurate in this case, no ?
Posted by Howie Feltersnatch on April 9, 2014 at 9:23 PM · Report this
7
Particularly nice was suggesting counseling, offering to pay, and then deciding not to help within hours of an appointment she could neither afford nor cancel. You said it was because she needed to learn to manage her money and not put herself in bad situations. Really it was that you didn't want her talking about the rape. The true story is in the details.
Posted by BeenWatchingYourMamaDramaFor10Years on April 9, 2014 at 11:14 PM · Report this
8
I really can't feel sympathy for breeders.
Posted by mizmojo on April 10, 2014 at 5:41 AM · Report this
9
YES. SYMPATHY IS WEAKNESS.
Posted by ROBOT POSTER on April 10, 2014 at 6:51 AM · Report this
10
My sisters did this to my mom for decades; people can hurt you but it takes family to really muck things up.
Posted by Tard on April 10, 2014 at 7:59 AM · Report this
11
My brother pulled this same shit. When our mom dies, I will have no proble kicking his ass out of the gathering if he has the balls to show up.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on April 10, 2014 at 9:23 AM · Report this
Simple 12
#8 Breeders? Wow are you not the coolest, hippest hater. Troll.
Posted by Simple on April 10, 2014 at 2:26 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 13
@11, I was just about to say something similar, Ziff. One of my longtime family friends is not on speaking terms with her mom, and it's a similar scenario. The mom has always been supportive and probably hasn't done too much wrong - I think it's the daughter who is a bit out of touch with reality. I have no problem believing this I,A is real.
Posted by Sea Otter on April 10, 2014 at 6:57 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 14
Sorry about your brother.
Posted by Sea Otter on April 10, 2014 at 6:59 PM · Report this
15
If you're going to always be there for every little problem, how's a kid to learn any coping skills? My ex-husband's parents were this "supportive" and they're still supporting him and his sisters. All the kids have moved back home (in their 40s and 50s), elderly mom cooks and chauffers, elderly dad pays all the bills while the kids bitch and moan, yell and pout. That's how they were raised.
Posted by lamebrain2014 on April 11, 2014 at 11:17 AM · Report this
16
As a parent, I can relate. Like the author, I never thought a kid would go that weird on you, but talking to others, it's not so uncommon.
Posted by Canoe52 on April 11, 2014 at 9:19 PM · Report this
17
Who raised this ingrate? Oh yeah, it was you, IA.
Posted by Trebor on April 12, 2014 at 8:55 AM · Report this
undead ayn rand 18
@3: Does sound like she's leaving quite a lot of context out, possibly for anonymity, possibly because it might change the narrative.
Posted by undead ayn rand on April 12, 2014 at 12:05 PM · Report this
Phoebe in Wallingford 19
@18: Indeed, there are a lot of gaping holes in that rant.
Posted by Phoebe in Wallingford on April 12, 2014 at 12:29 PM · Report this
seattlestew 20
*immediately gives self vasectomy*
Posted by seattlestew on April 12, 2014 at 12:34 PM · Report this
21
The alternative narrative, of course, would be that of my (non-Seattle) friend: mommy tried to buy her love, set her up with riding lessons and an apartment and tuition to a private college, then lost her shit when my friend grew a spine and cut the mom out of her life. Turns out that when you actually have a GOOD therapist (that you're paying for on your own), suddenly silence about a molesting father purchased by a thousand expensive niceties isn't worth it.
Posted by JustAThought on April 12, 2014 at 1:12 PM · Report this
22
Personality disorder - either in one, or both. Not a fun situation. My sympathies to all involved.
Posted by Jude Fawley on April 12, 2014 at 1:38 PM · Report this
23
I find it extremely suspicious that the mom thinks photos of people smiling at a party or cards signed saying love you always are evidence of anything. Abused kids will do that sort of thing for a long time, because it is what is expected of them. We have two halves of a story here, the letter writer and the anonymous commenter claiming the mom tried to cover up sexual abuse by the father. I have no clue what the real story is, but we certainly don't have enough info to judge it.
Posted by uncreative on April 12, 2014 at 1:44 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 24
@22 This screams "personality disorder" to me too. And yeah, it could also be the mom.
Posted by Sea Otter on April 12, 2014 at 4:45 PM · Report this
25
You know, I kind of wish you folks were around for my I, Anonymous. At the least it wasn't a diatribe of familial woe.

On that topic, I can certainly imagine my borderline mother writing something along these lines to me, because that's how disproportionate her sense of reality is. She insists I owe her thousands of dollars because she closed on a house sight unseen and I didn't mail the inspection to her.

That said, the moment "threatening self harm" comes into the conversation, I lose all sympathy for the kid. It sounds like the emotional manipulation is a learned behaviour.

Better not to spawn. Get a plant.
Posted by stilettov on April 12, 2014 at 6:06 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 26
When you were hitting your boyfriend over his online porn addiction


Sounds like the daughter is the abuser, not necessarily the mother, although it is somewhat telling that the mother recommended counseling to the abuser and not getting the hell out of dodge to the boyfriend.

@23,

#21 is almost definitely talking about someone else. #7 seems to be claiming actual knowledge about this situation.
Posted by keshmeshi on April 12, 2014 at 6:59 PM · Report this
27
@8: "I really can't feel sympathy for breeders." And we have no pity for you and your barren, pointless, self-centered existence.
Posted by Billy Chav on April 12, 2014 at 7:28 PM · Report this
Sandiai 28
My mother has a personality disorder (some combo of Borderline/Narcissistic) and a mood disorder. She keeps track of things exactly like this, including everything she's ever done for us kids (even when we were minors). And she is a big collector of "evidence" that she's a good mother and otherwise well-liked (esp by "young people" the same age as my brothers and I). When she controls the narrative so tightly, she comes off looking pretty good. But the truth is she is extremely manipulative and parasitic. I give her money and gifts and tokens of affection (honestly, she prefers the cash) just to avoid her tantrums/threats of suicide. The weird thing is, coerced gifts and coerced affection seem (in her mind) as good as the real thing.

I get a little bit of a similar vibe from this IA mother.
Contrast that with my father: he does things for us kids because he loves us and he's our parent (paraphrasing him). Naturally, we children respond back with genuine affection and are eager to help him out when he needs it as well.

People who feel things normally don't need evidence about the nature of a relationship, they just perceive it correctly.

Also, like @25 said, could be the kid as well.
Posted by Sandiai on April 12, 2014 at 8:02 PM · Report this
Sandiai 29
Quoting @23, "I find it extremely suspicious that the mom thinks photos of people smiling at a party or cards signed saying love you always are evidence of anything. Abused kids will do that sort of thing for a long time, because it is what is expected of them."
Posted by Sandiai on April 12, 2014 at 8:10 PM · Report this
TVDinner 30
@28: From the offspring of one borderline mother to another: fucking a, I witness you. If you ever find a way to peace with yours, let me know. I struggle mightily seeking peace with mine.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on April 12, 2014 at 8:20 PM · Report this
31
All she did were the standard mom things. I would think her a shit if she didn't (with the possible exception of buying the business equipment). Why does she give herself a martyr badge? You raise a crazy kid, usually parents are the reason. Sometimes outside trauma, but even then often parents play a major role.
Posted by gnot on April 12, 2014 at 8:25 PM · Report this
32
@28 and @30

My mother to a T, down to the threats of suicide and the accounting of good deeds and the inability to let go of the past. I've given up on peace and now rely on the geographical distance between Vancouver BC and Ohio. That woman has taken years out of my life. I don't really know that there's any formula to repairing a relationship that began broken- just being the good person in the situation takes all the effort. I generally took my cues by behaving the opposite of her.

It really frightens me for the kid described in this I, Anonymous if she herself did not develop an independent identity from her troubled parent. One of the most horrifying things about the idea of parenting is raising up a mirror image of your fucked up self.

Posted by stilettov on April 12, 2014 at 8:58 PM · Report this
Sandiai 33
@30 and @32, therapy as a teenager actually helped a lot (although it was EXTREMELY painful).

I generally took my cues by behaving the opposite of her.


(sad laugh) Works perfectly well for almost every social situation, right?
Posted by Sandiai on April 12, 2014 at 9:59 PM · Report this
TVDinner 34
@32:
One of the most horrifying things about the idea of parenting is raising up a mirror image of your fucked up self.


On the hopeful side: we fuck up our kids in new and interesting ways?

In all seriousness, I'm pretty sure just having the fear of that guarantees you'll do better. It's rational to fear parenthood because of its terrifying responsibility, but you can still be a decent parent even if you yourself were raised by wolves. Therapy -- good therapy -- helps.

At least, I hope it does.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on April 12, 2014 at 10:14 PM · Report this
35
@Impromptu Slog Children of BPD support group (of which I am a member - my comment @22 was based on experience):

If you have not, read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" or the "BPD Survival Guide" by Randi Kreger OR

"Loving Someone with BPD" (Manning)

Kreger gets the terrible feeling of living with this issue better. Manning makes the picture seem rosier than it is, but her skills (based in DBT) are good and helpful.

Also there are some Family of BPD support groups online - https://www.bpdcentral.com/support-group…

In my experience, self care, setting limits, and effective communication go a long way in improving relations, but they won't give you the parent you wish you had.
Posted by Jude Fawley on April 12, 2014 at 10:40 PM · Report this
36
Also, I agree with @34 - you don't have to pass on negative patterns to your kids - they can stop with you if you can be aware of what you've picked up along the way and willing to make changes. Good therapy helps with this though.
Posted by Jude Fawley on April 12, 2014 at 10:42 PM · Report this
RainMan 37
@28, 30 and 32: I also have a narcissistic borderline personality mother. I have spent a great deal of time wondering about the different ways my two sisters and brother and I have dealt with our childhood experience now that we are middle aged adults. One sister is openly hostile toward Mom; the other sister is in complete denial, believing that we were Ozzie and Harriet growing up. My brother is literally trying to buy her affection, flying from his home in California back to hers on the east coast 3-4 times a year and while there spending hundreds of dollars on food, gifts, furniture, repairs to her house and car, and so forth. I, on the other hand, bury my head in the sand 3000 miles away out here in Seattle and have as little contact with her as possible. On the rare occasions when I speak with my mother I am polite and civil but I could win an Oscar for my acting performance.

Interesting that none of us have had children. And since I am turning 52 next week it's safe to assume that ship has sailed. I don't have the looks or the money to attract a potential wife of childbearing age.

My point is there are many ways of dealing with a dysfunctional parent. The strength required to forgive is the only thing preventing me from completely cutting my mother out of my life, and it certainly isn't easy. My sincere best wishes in coming to terms with your unhappy childhood. You are definitely not alone.
Posted by RainMan on April 12, 2014 at 11:18 PM · Report this
38
Bitches be crazy.
Posted by madcap on April 12, 2014 at 11:49 PM · Report this
Sandiai 39
^Not helpful.
Posted by Sandiai on April 13, 2014 at 5:35 AM · Report this
40
Yup, borderline was my first thought too.
Posted by durango on April 13, 2014 at 7:27 AM · Report this
TVDinner 41
@35: I just bought both those books. I think they, and the online community you recommend, will be helpful not only to me but to my father as well, who's trying to extricate himself from forty-plus years of marriage to my mother. Thank you so much.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on April 13, 2014 at 7:58 AM · Report this
42
My mother also has narcissistic personality disorder and some borderline traits. Our relationship is okay right now, but I always keep my guard up. I live across the continent from her and don't accept favors when I do see her -- not even a pickup from the airport. She's collected a laundry list of "evidence" against me over the years and I don't want to add to it. She's the same way with my brother and sister and has been doing this since we were kids.
Posted by Amanda on April 13, 2014 at 8:23 AM · Report this
43
Dear mom, Maybe you shouldn't have spent all those years attempting to live this other person's life for them.
Posted by treehugger on April 13, 2014 at 9:28 AM · Report this
44
I'm surprised the IA isn't crying "parental alienation syndrome" against the father, therapist, or somebody else. I would love to hear the kid's story here... @23, @25, tho score-keeping of "proof" was a big red flag for me too. Narcissists can't or won't accept any blame, so it has to be someone else's fault.
Posted by portland scribe on April 13, 2014 at 2:41 PM · Report this
45
After reading the piece and the comments, I can only say...Jesus what a shitstorm.

I hope you both run very far away in opposite directions and stop posting about this crap on the interwebs
Posted by Bob7t87687 on April 13, 2014 at 8:32 PM · Report this
46
@27: "Barren, self-centered existence"

Perfectly describes breeders. Glad you agree!
Posted by treehugger on April 13, 2014 at 9:22 PM · Report this
47
Good heavens, I had no idea that mothers were so horrible. And everyone suffers from their childhoods all their lives, and if those sufferers dare to become parents, they will raise their kids to suffer also? How deterministic. How remunerative to therapists.
Posted by sarah70 on April 13, 2014 at 11:40 PM · Report this
48
@47 - No one said that mothers are horrible. Sometimes fucked up people choose to have kids and don't make the greatest parents. Your mother might be awesome, which is wonderful for you.
Posted by Amanda on April 14, 2014 at 3:38 PM · Report this
49 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
Sandiai 50
Thank you, Jude. I will order both of those.

@48, thanks. Not sure why 3 women talking about their BPD mothers elicited such (rather mean) sarcasm. My mother's mother herself is a wonderful intuitive person; my father's mother is natural and warm and funny. My sisters-in-law are wonderful mothers. We who have been exposed to such personality disorders in intimates are extra-sensitive to the "signs;" that's all this is. I guess I should have fleshed-out my response a little better. Perhaps Sarah would like "better" examples of the extreme abuse that resulted in my father getting full custody of us kids.
Personality disorders are pretty rare; no one is generalizing any of this behavior to "all" mothers.
Posted by Sandiai on April 15, 2014 at 12:31 AM · Report this
51
#8 very insightful, after all 'breeders' gave us you, and don't we wish it wasn't so.
Posted by Riveras on April 17, 2014 at 4:50 AM · Report this
52
Sorry, I'm not buying it. If your kid is this crazy, how did you not recognize it while she was still a kid and you could get her some help? Either you are the crazy one and the accusations are true or you failed to get her help when she was young enough for you to still have control over. Either way, parenting fail. You get the kid you raise.
Posted by Diagoras on April 17, 2014 at 10:30 PM · Report this
53
I just wonder why the courts are being dragged into the sorry situation. What does the kid want? Apparently Mom's backed off. Is the kid suing her for something? Huh? What?

Impossible to figure out and point fingers because it's all so murky....oh ha, derrr... this is the internet. OF COURSE finger pointing and blaming based on nothing much is possible and probably required.
Posted by kate r http://katerothwell.blogspot.com on April 19, 2014 at 5:25 AM · Report this
54
You all are almost better than therapy! It's nice to know that i am not the only one with a BPD mother that I have chosen to no longer have in my life. I , myself just try to be the mother I always wanted and hopefully raise two children who don't grow up to kill women that look like me.
Posted by BigNoseLover on April 23, 2014 at 1:34 PM · Report this

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