It was totally out of line for me to come into your apartment with the keys you gave me, look at your computer monitor, and allow my eyes to fall on the open chain of e-mails you were sending to the girl you were cheating on me with. That was a total invasion of your privacy. Oh, my bad. And how awful of me to use the word "cheat" to describe you spending the night with some girl and then talking with her about what to do with "your situation" since your friends were on to you. You're right, you didn't do anything wrong. The nerve of me to confront you! And I was acting like a totally psycho "ex" girlfriend when I came back the next day to get my stuff and saw three open condom wrappers around your bed from the night before. And yes, it was a totally criminal act on my part to dump out the massive booze collection you had so wisely chosen to invest your insurance-settlement money in. I know how important alcohol is for your lifestyle, but hey, maybe your friends and new fuck buddy will still like you without it. And on the bright side, you don't have me getting you down anymore with any of that long-term, serious-relationship bullshit.