Steven Weissman

Attention, Yelpers: FUCK YOU. We understand that you have difficulty comprehending basic info, so we repeat: FUCK YOU. As long-standing members of the restaurant industry, we feel a moral imperative to reiterate on behalf of our community: FUCK YOU, Yelpers. Your asinine, masturbatory online hobby is literally fucking our livelihoods. We bet it's a bundle o' fun to pretend at being real restaurant critics. Sadly, all you're really doing is expressing an inability to communicate directly, verbally, and effectively with your fellow humans. Service slow? Order wrong? Waitperson's shoes too ugly? Would you like these things changed? Probably best to semianonymously post nasty things online that we'll read, like, four days later, right? WRONG, YOU FART-HUFFING IMBECILES. If you come to our restaurants and something goes wrong, and you tell us TO OUR FACES, we'll either fix the problem or give you free shit. Stop being such bratty fucking children, Yelpers of Seattle.

—Anonymous