I Love Television
2011: The Year in Stuff I Said
Here are some things I said in 2011. Providing "context" doesn't really help my case.
On Batman: Attaching a cape to a cowl is the stupidest thing ever. One step on your cape, and NECK SNAP! Stephen Hawking is teaching you how to use your fancy new wheelchair.
On I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant: It's filled with dramatic re-creations of women who had no earthly idea they were preggo, until one day, whoopsie! Plop! Heyyyyy... why is my toilet crying?
On Tom "Smallville" Welling's Nipples: Where once these teats were a model of structural perfection—a luminous coral hue, areolas 1.2 inches (30 mm) in circumference, and nipples five-stacked-quarters high—they are now a sad leathery shade of brown, cracked around the edges, and drooping in unceremonious defeat. ARE WE TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE NIPPLES OF A SUPERMAN??
On My Nipples: Observe the nipples of a god!! As you can plainly see, MY nippolinis are the stuff ancient sculptors would spend their lives trying to re-create. My areolas? A hot 25 mm in diameter. The color? That of a glorious sunrise. At their most erect, they rise (majestically, I might add) to a whopping 14 mm—long enough to hang your average hat or participate in a ring-toss competition. They often cause those who are five-foot-four to receive ocular damage. Why, yes—they DO have the ability to cut glass. And if I fall forward, it's unnecessary for me to put my hands out to catch myself—THAT'S how perky my nipples are!
On Murdering Zombies: There is nothing funnier than an angry donkey kicking a zombie in the face. Simply point the donkey's hindquarters at a zombie. When the zombie shambles into range, use a long stick with a feather attached to tickle the donkey's anus, and three... two... one... KABOOM! (Bring extra underpants—you may pee yourself laughing!)
On Weenie Dogs: Weenie dogs are the worst. The worst dogs, yes. But also the worst anything. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races—except the weenie dog race. There's only one weenie dog race I love... and that's when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It's HILARIOUS!!
Also on Weenie Dogs: Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) The Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!
On Billy Goats: Here's the problem with billy goats: They don't discriminate. As it turns out, billy goats don't give two billy craps whether they're eating unwanted credit-card applications, last week's paycheck, a pot of spaghetti you left on the stove all week, or your genitals while you're asleep. In short, billy goats are baaaaaaaahd. (Sorry. In fact... I'm sorry for everything.)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28
8:00 FOX RAISING HOPE
In this hilarious repeat, Jimmy learns he was once a musical prodigy—until suddenly he wasn’t.
9:00 TLC EXTREME CHEAPSKATES
Documenting extreme measures some people take to save money. (Five bucks says someone reuses toilet paper!)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
The must-see repeat of Community’s holiday special/absolutely vicious parody of Glee!
10:00 TLC HOOK, LINE AND SISTERS
Debut! Three sisters run a commercial fishery in Alaska and… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30
8:00 NBC CHUCK
Sarah fears for the life of her mom—who luckily is former kick-assy Charlie’s Angels star Cheryl Ladd!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK’S NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE
Featuring a special guest appearance from the corpse of Dick Clark.
10:00 NBC NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH CARSON DALY
Featuring a special guest appearance from the corpse of Carson Daly.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 1
9:00 FOOD RACHAEL VS. GUY CELEBRITY COOK-OFF
Debut! Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri compete to see who can be the most loathed person in the world.
10:00 HBO ANGRY BOYS
Debut! Chris Lilley (of the hilarious Summer Heights High) plays multiple men in this docu-parody about dudes.
MONDAY, JANUARY 2
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
Season premiere! Another douchebag, another gaggle of desperately lonely women. Enjoy!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 3
8:30 ABC WORK IT!
Debut! Two bros dress up as women to get jobs. Misogyny and the inability to get a single laugh ensue.
9:00 ABC WIFE SWAP
Batpoop-crazy Gary Busey and gay-shamed pastor Ted Haggard trade wives! (OMIGOD! I never want to stop watching this!!)
“Follow @WmSteveHumphrey on Twitter,” and you can quote me on that.