We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

I know condos represent urban density and that pro-city-slicker bullshit. I know that after Dale Chihuly blew into Seattle Center, I just didn't "fit in" anymore. I probably looked (and definitely smelled) like a sweaty, filthy GG Allin in a sea of Justin Bieber–looking tourists. But I'll say this, and mark my words—you're gonna miss me in 2013, fuckers! You might not miss seeing my big goofy clown head leering at you when you drive down Fifth Avenue—but when it comes time to see a real, rowdy rock 'n' roll show, where are you gonna go? No other Seattle club is gonna let your new scrappy (totally unknown) band play on the same bill as that big, crazy, awesome band from out of town. No other club is gonna let you play wearing just your dirty underwear while you smash beer bottles on your own head and make out with some hot chick in the front row. What other bar is gonna let you install a fucking skate ramp for your fundraiser? Where are you gonna have your pizza-eating and wet T-shirt contests? Where are you gonna play basketball while a punk band plays 15 feet away? I was legendary. I was Seattle's own CBGB. But like NYC, Seattle is getting wiped squeaky clean by rich bores and corporate whores. Enjoy your 150 billionth new condo, Seattle! And like GG Allin (RIP) once said, "Death is a very important part of life." recommended