If you happen to stumble across Brad Pitt wandering around town in the next few weeks, don't get too excited. Take a breath, look down, and check for big fake tits.... Chances are that you're looking at Jennifer Aniston. (Ever since Brad grew his hair out I CANNOT tell them apart.) Jennifer will be gracing Seattle with her million-dollar-an-episode presence while she adds yet ANOTHER sappy romantic comedy to her repertoire. One of my most loyal snitches caught sight of the buxom babe (whose "tits looked fake"--they ARE, Blanche, they ARE!) filming right outside of his penthouse on Western Ave last Thursday. I also have it on good authority that Jenny will be holed up at the Alexis Hotel for the duration of her stay.
What ELSE is he putting in that handy-dandy notebook? Thomas Mizner was looking for more than Blue's Clues at Manray last week, where several informants spotted the blue-balled star of Blue's Clues Live "cruising" the queer bar's semi-popular Showtune Night--where he was recognized, and alienated, by veteran drag queen Mark Finley. Mizner (not to be confused with Steve Burns, the feral-rat-looking guy who hosts the TV version) was reportedly a good sport, very sweet, and "even cuter in person."
Last week I was dragged to see Just, Melvin--that "we're an entire family of toothless alcoholics cuz our greasy granddad put rotten hot dogs in our cooters" SIFF documentary EVERYONE has been raving about. I got up to piddle in the middle of the incest exposé, and who happens to be piddling right along side of me but Just, Melvin director/star/victim of hot-dog violation himself James Ronald Whitney. Of course, I was tempted to peek down and check out the goods, but I was far too afraid of winding up in his next overrated documentary.
Head? Lines? News? While we are on the subject of pseudo-famous wangers, a popular CNN newscaster has allegedly been spied doing a little Basic Plumbing on his frequent Seattle visits. A little birdie told me that the naughty newscaster is quite fond of broadcasting his cable, which is "very big," but lamentably ejaculates "far too quickly." How big or how quickly was not specified.
And even more celebrity schlongs! An unbelievably fortunate informant witnessed grunge rocker Chris Cornell using the loo at the Eddie Izzard show last week ("bleeding the lizard" at Eddie Izzard, ha, ha, ha). Although said informant was too tactful to reveal the grungy details of Cornell's penis, I had a wonderful dream about it in which it was uncut, big as a baby's arm, and curved slightly to the left. Cornell is encouraged to contact me to confirm or deny.
It's Spring Fashion of the Stars! The only thing more fascinating than celebrities' naughty parts is what they cover them up with. This week Dave Grohl was spotted at Fourth and Union, and again at the Five Spot Cafe clad in a chic Old Navy sweatshirt with the hood pulled up; Melissa Auf Der Maur, ex-bassist from Hole/current bassist for Smashing Pumpkins, was seen looking elegant in a vintage burgundy knit wrap with fringe and vintage corduroys; and Elliott Smith was seen on Pine (in front of Manray--what IS IT with that place?) looking very Casablanca with a fedora pulled low over his eyes.
Confidential to PIGGY: Please write adrian@thestranger.com or call 328-7101. I am sitting on quite the sordid little rumor about you and need you to confirm, deny, or set me up with David from The Real World, Seattle cast. Call! Quick!
I am watching you. Try to be interesting.
