The Major League Soccer season started this past weekend, in the shadow of Major League boring Baseball--the only sport where it's considered a good thing if the ball is hit out of play. And I'm not only talking about home runs. Witness the infantile fans who bring gloves to the stadium and beg the players to hit a foul ball their way. Yippee! A foul ball is a crowd-pleasing event only in a sport where a player can literally stand in the outfield and do NOTHING except scratch himself and spit tobacco for the entire game. If baseball is America's game, why did the season open in Japan? Because it needs to expand into new markets in order to keep making money. The truth is that soccer is America's game, and as the older generation of American baseball fans begin to finally die off, so will pro baseball. More kids play soccer than any other sport in America, and with the news recently that Freddy Adu turned down all offers from European clubs in order to stay in America and play for D.C. United, soccer might finally have a player whose star power will help sell tickets for the beleaguered MLS.

People who know me know not to ask me two questions: "Did you enjoy living in Connecticut?" and "Why is the MLS tanking?" I can't entertain either of those questions without starting down the Road of the Endless Rant. In short, no, I didn't enjoy living in Connecticut. Connecticut is hell. And as for the MLS tanking? Well what do you expect? America is full of unsophisticated sports fans who would rather watch obese men pretend to wrestle than attempt to understand the brilliance of the most beautiful game on the planet.

Freddy Adu is helping to bolster the recent trend of teenagers taking over the professional sports world. At 14, "Freddy," as he is called by his fans and teammates (using the affectionate Brazilian tradition of referring to their soccer players with nicknames), is considered one of the best young players in the world. He's got a million-dollar contract with Nike, stars in a Pepsi commercial with Pelé, and signed a deal with D.C. United for $500,000 a year. This in a league in which most players get $30,000 a year. But MLS official Don Garber said, "He is not our savior because soccer doesn't need to be saved." Yes it does, you asshole! It needs to be saved from fucking baseball.

jockitch@thestranger.com