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Knight and Day: Wait—Tom Cruise Is Awesome?

Knight and Day: Wait—Tom Cruise Is Awesome?
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While I know that in the past I have made much feminist hay over women doing womeny things in women movies, it turns out that I don't particularly like it when women do manly things either. To wit: In Knight and Day—a flashy, silly, formulaic spy thriller starring Tom "I Swear That I Am Not a Gay Pygmy Shark" Cruise—Cameron Diaz's big face plays a lady with a big face who restores classic cars for a living. Now, I'm sure in the actual universe there are plenty of ladies with faces of all shapes and sizes who lug around knapsacks full of carburetors and deliver lines like "the drivey crank is blocking the wheely parts!" with extremely convincing aplomb. (Clearly, I am not one of those ladies.) But if Cameron Diaz is a capable auto mechanic, THEN I AM A BABY OTTER. And believe me, I am not. I have looked into it. The surgery is decades away.

Films that require suspension of disbelief of this magnitude—such as, to indulge in that ancient overindulged-in example, believing Denise Richards as a smart person (haw haw!)—just feel SO condescending. They smack of tokenism and overcompensation, and they bait people into saying exactly the kind of misogynistic crap that I'm saying right now. Can't Cameron Diaz just be, like, a lawyer with a big face? Or a greengrocer with a big face? Or an underpants model with a big face? Does it have to be an auto mechanic—a role for which she is so awkwardly, preternaturally unsuited? The implication winds up being: "Look at the woman pretending to do real things! Cute! It thinks it's people!"

Anyway. Knight and Day is fun enough—something like a toothless Bourne Identity, in which a federal superagent (Cruise) is pursued through the streets of fancy olde Europe for a crime he only sort of committed. Some sort of magic battery is involved, and the FBI is not to be trusted! Diaz plays some lady he picks up along the way who screams a lot. Paul Dano plays a nerd. The dialogue is sometimes funny and sometimes so terrible that you want to punch the screen to death. And the ending is wiiiiide open—practically tattooing into your flesh a reminder to check back in 2011 for Knight and Day 2: Knight at the Museum and then in 2012 for Knight and Day 3: Plagued by the Knight Terrors! and in 2013 for the hotly anticipated Knight and Day 4: Citizens on Patrol. (I ran out of puns, so that last one is a Police Academy reference. You're welcome.)

Above all, watching Knight and Day is a journey of self-discovery. Apparently, as it turns out, I LIKE TOM CRUISE. Ever since he emerged from his wet little pupa stage as a vacant, grinning, 24/7 Scientology commercial, I had completely forgotten this fact: Tom Cruise is a famous movie star because he is very charming and handsome. Who knew? And I don't care how much imaginary alien corpse dust he thinks is clinging to his hair and clogging up his emotions with space evil or whatever. Okay, I kind of care. That shit is ridiculous. But not as ridiculous as Cameron Diaz fixing my goddamn car. Yeesh. recommended

 

Comments (39) RSS

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Josh Bomb 1
Steve Guttenberg and I both thank you for that Police Academy reference.
Posted by Josh Bomb http://www.satanosphere.com on June 23, 2010 at 1:43 PM · Report this
gnr8r 2
Knight and Day 5: Shanghai Knight
Posted by gnr8r http://www.plutosrevenge.blogspot.com on June 23, 2010 at 2:21 PM · Report this
gnr8r 3
I see what I did there...
Posted by gnr8r http://www.plutosrevenge.blogspot.com on June 23, 2010 at 2:22 PM · Report this
4
Knight and Day 6: Knight to C4. Checkmate
Posted by Capt. Chunkstyle on June 23, 2010 at 2:30 PM · Report this
5
i love you Lindy, you make me laugh so fucking hard!
Posted by pistolkitten on June 23, 2010 at 2:57 PM · Report this
6
In real life, does Tom Cruise look as much like an old man as he does in that picture? With his saggy face skin and prescription grandpa-sunglasses and also-old daughter played by Cameron Diaz?
Posted by Ger Kilmer. on June 23, 2010 at 3:05 PM · Report this
Toasterhedgehog 7
What possible reason could this movie have to exist?

Anybody?
Posted by Toasterhedgehog on June 23, 2010 at 6:50 PM · Report this
freesandbags 8
Knight and Day 6: Knight of the Iguana. Megan Fox + auto mechanic + Tansformers = Whaaaa??! I agree @7 I won"t see it. Thanks Lindy.
Posted by freesandbags on June 23, 2010 at 10:06 PM · Report this
duckgirlie 9
I feel the same way about Cruise. No matter how crazy he gets, my love of Top Gun, Cocktail, and Risky Business means I can never manage to dislike him fully.
Posted by duckgirlie on June 24, 2010 at 6:57 AM · Report this
10
Knight and Day 7: He has to prevent a blackout of the entire West Coast. (Dark Knight.)
Knight and Day 8: He has to prevent pirates from destroying a synagogue. (Knight Temple-Arr.)
Knight and Day 9: He enters a "Best Buns" contest. (Good Knight Moon.)
Posted by anon-DC on June 24, 2010 at 8:48 AM · Report this
11
I both agree and disagree with your reservations on having "big face" Diaz play a gearhead.

Obvious fantasy casting; but in Wonderland, Hollywood & Vancouver, they always have the so-called "brains" or "brainiacs" portrayed as far-sighted --- in other words, they always don their eyeglasses for reading and close-in work, when in reality virtually all inventors, geniuses, people who actually and actively create things at a higher mental realm, are nearsighted --- they may wear their glasses or lenses all the time, but they only require them for distance viewing.

THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE CASE -- and it infuriates me.

The point for the movie, #7, is that everything is fantasy, so any farce attempting to portray "real life" which is completely Wonderland-mode today in Wonderland-Fantasy America, where a rightwinger is president and the faux news (Foxtard, NPR, CNN, Airhead America [Stephanie Miller's family involved in privatizing oil & gas in Afghanistanland]) reframes everything ad infinitum and therefore so-called reality movies look infinitely farcical.

Also, I would like to officially proposition Lindy West.
Posted by sgt_doom on June 24, 2010 at 9:07 AM · Report this
12
@10 - Knights Templ-arr made me LOL. Thanks. I got a great image of Tom Cruise dressed up as Jack Sparrow running around a museum!
Posted by ariane on June 24, 2010 at 9:59 AM · Report this
13
How far down does Cameron Diaz have to squish in order to appear shorter than Tom Cruise on that bike?
Posted by Manos on June 24, 2010 at 10:02 AM · Report this
Lilliable 14
Knight and Day 10: Hard Days Knight
Posted by Lilliable on June 24, 2010 at 4:19 PM · Report this
15
OK, we know how you feel about Ms. Diaz and Mr. Cruise, now where's the movie review?
Posted by Marco on June 25, 2010 at 9:59 AM · Report this
16
Knight and Day XII: Knights in Rodanthe?
Knight and Day XXXIV: Do The Knight Thing?
Knight and Day CMMXVI: The Knite Runner? (The forced sodomy scene in that one is gonna be something!)
Posted by LimeLemminkäinen on June 25, 2010 at 11:20 AM · Report this
singing cynic 17
Knight and Day 46: Big Knight (co-starring Stanley Tucci as FBI bugged meatball)
Posted by singing cynic on June 25, 2010 at 11:41 AM · Report this
Meags 18
Knight and Day 32: Knight Cap (just a 90 minute montage of Cruise wearing different hats)
Knight and Day 49: Knight Moves (Bob Seger does soundtrack)
Knight and Day 71: Deadly Knightshade (all perish)
Posted by Meags on June 25, 2010 at 11:41 AM · Report this
Cook 19
Knight and Day 88: The Knight Sweats
Knight and Day 89: Knight at the Roxbury
Knight and Day 90: Knight (they travel in time and join Elie Wiesel in Auschwitz in order to free him! a hilarious buddy comedy)
Posted by Cook on June 25, 2010 at 12:08 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 20
I grew up with women who look like Cameron Diaz but who could repair an engine or transmission.

Maybe you need to get out more.
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on June 25, 2010 at 12:12 PM · Report this
Will in Seattle 21
Knight and Day 99: Get Smart At Night
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on June 25, 2010 at 12:14 PM · Report this
Mittens Schrodinger 22
Who beat up Cameron Diaz and made her face all lumpy and swollen?
Posted by Mittens Schrodinger on June 25, 2010 at 12:15 PM · Report this
Reverse Polarity 23
Your are absolutely correct, Lindy.

The fact that Tommy is a batshit crazy scientologist, Oprah-kneeling, cradle-robbing closet-case does not negate for a second that he has more screen charisma than 80% of male actors in Hollywood today. There is a reason he was the top banking star for the better part of two decades.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on June 25, 2010 at 1:18 PM · Report this
elenchos 24
At the Walt's down the street, there's this cute young thing that I would hit so hard. She's basically the reason I had to go back to fixing my own car. I shudder to think what you'd turn up if you looked into how many women are working as mechanics in just Seattle alone. I remember a city photo of a rather easy on the eyes lady working in the city motor pool, too.

I grant you that Cameron Diaz can be a pretty unconvincing actress playing anything except a Cameron Diaz, but in general, Lindy, you've got a shit ton of internalized sexism you need to work out.

Funny review, as usual. I want to see this movie for the Ducati Hypermotard. That bike has been on my short list for a while.
Posted by elenchos on June 25, 2010 at 4:00 PM · Report this
25
Lindy - I particularly like the close proximity of your Police Academy reference to the phrase, "hotly anticipated". Excellent work, future otter lady!
Posted by YTAH http://ytah.wordpress.com/ on June 25, 2010 at 11:34 PM · Report this
26
Beautiful Cameron Diaz fit promise first love honors not herself because beautiful Cameron Diaz has nothing to prove so beautiful Cameron Diazs honors son of man, parents, Tom Cruise Great Nation, Knight and day movie cast, movie fan's, first love Joy in the presence of Angels of the LORD God of Israel. To honor is not just say to profit because i have nothing to prove who I honor such as movie " Knight and Day " to give Parents reader Digest Winning Steepstakes twice and give parents 2 winning pic six lottery wins or even some of your meat from you daily paycheck and a portion to your maidens and make that a tradition that does nothing to help them but all things and all the rest must be considered and as a baby needs everything so does a parent as they get older and have to be carried from one spot to another as there needs changes. The movie " Knight and Day " you realize it is the little things like keeping everyone safe and secure and cooking what is truely on there mind, glad to see and hear them, message song " Someday " is always today, and things change as parents face things that they depended on like there memory and health suddenly starts to fail because of bad nutritions so as myself fit promise the challenge is to reverse all concerns to honor son of man wisdom understanding and knowledge and then the Holy Spirit side of a person obtains all things even taken at a time when they might in the future face more suffering instead of obidience even unto dealth to transformation, and all the rest Joy in the presence of Angels of the LORD God of Israel happy men, happy friends, fabulous foods, Heaven Father skin coverings with array of sleep rise morning night fashion, private master's house private marster's beautiful Cameron Diaz into the bosom, private master's all things, private master's all the rest, grace mercy ascending promitions movie " Knight and day " beautiful Queen Cameron Diaz Rothschild Extravagant Private Balfour Declaration alive for evermore fit promise reverence Tom Cruise Great Nation, reverence Knight and day cast, reverence fan's, reverence first love Joy in the presence of Angels of the LORD God of Israel good lovingkindness in the morning and good faithfulness every night to beautiful Queen Cameron Diaz come after me
More...
Posted by QueenCamRothschild on June 26, 2010 at 9:01 AM · Report this
27
Agree completely with pistolkitten. Love Lindy! More laughter.
Posted by gn on June 27, 2010 at 9:27 AM · Report this
28
I don't think you need to bother coming up with names for a Knight and Day sequel, as it turns out to be a colossal box office bomb that no one saw.
Posted by Peter F on June 27, 2010 at 2:00 PM · Report this
Bub 29
I'd never noticed the sheer size of Cameron Diaz's face but, by God, you're right, it is LARGE. I suppose that's what earned her breakout role opposite Jim Carrey in The Mask, a complimentary face ratio. According to the TV trailers, "Tom Cruise is at his Jerry Maguire best!" Is this true?
Posted by Bub on June 28, 2010 at 10:33 AM · Report this
LogopolisMike 30
Julia Roberts talking about fixing cars in Pretty Woman worked because she was already a hooker with a heart of gold, so we didn't mind them just throwing another unbelievable, unrealistic contradiction in there.

Unfortunately, lazy script writers have kept going back to that dried up well ever since.
Posted by LogopolisMike http://logopolis.typepad.com on June 28, 2010 at 11:35 AM · Report this
nocutename 31
Oh who cares whether Cameron Diaz is believable as a mechanic? Did you go to this movie for strict realism?
I went to see CD's and TC's very attractive faces (no matter how big or little) and watch silly, fluffy, escapist entertainment.
I'm not going to quibble about any of the myriad ridiculous implausible things in it. I'm just going to remember lines like "I've been trained to defuse a bomb armed with only a paper clip and a junior mint," and laugh.

Posted by nocutename on June 28, 2010 at 12:57 PM · Report this
32
Making statements about the unbelievability of Denise Richards as an intelligent person has nothing to do with misogyny, it has do with the fact that none of us believe she is. And none of us--with a modicum of intelligence--think that extends to any other woman beyond Denise Richards.
Posted by aggregate sexual relations on June 28, 2010 at 1:54 PM · Report this
33
Lindy,

check out the song "Lindy, Really" by Dana Cooper. A gorgeous singer/songwriter thing by a genius guy, and it's got your name all in it!

www.danacoopermusic.com
Posted by HRH on June 28, 2010 at 2:25 PM · Report this
34
Actually, Cameron Diaz constantly talks about how she races cars and does her own stunts and is some kind of extreme sports junkie, so I bet she knows something about fixing cars.
Posted by I'm a wealth of useless information on June 28, 2010 at 3:55 PM · Report this
fannerz 35
good knight and good luck?
Posted by fannerz on June 28, 2010 at 9:34 PM · Report this
hurdygurdy 36
That's some good shit, Lindy. Maybe we are smoking the same stuff up here in the north end; it just came around.
Posted by hurdygurdy on July 1, 2010 at 10:09 PM · Report this
37
haha ive never seen anyone make fun of tom cruise's sexuality before
Posted by seahawksuck on July 4, 2010 at 8:02 AM · Report this
38
Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are gorgeous, energetic people by any standards. Lindy, have your eyes checked. I loved this movie. I've seen it three times and could see it again. I laughed all through it. It was a fast paced action movie with lots of humor sprinkled throughout. Diaz is a genius of comedy. Tom Cruise is pretty good at comedy, too.

Have you analyzed the heck out of the Twilight movies with series after series of melancholy teenie bopper vampires? Those movies are annoyingly unbelievable plus which why would anyone over 21 want to watch teenie vampires?

Tom and Cameron appeal to adults, not kids. Could adults please have a little entertaining fare at the movie theaters once in a while? I for one could not stand watching even 5 minutes of the vampire twilight series. I think Hollywood has vampired intelligent men & women to death with this nonsense.

Anyway, I still find Tom incredibly handsome, sexy and thrilling to watch in any kind of movie he wants to make. I enjoy Cameron because she is a brilliant comedienne. Please, Hollywood, send the kids to vampire nursery school and provide movies for adults.
Posted by australiana en roma on February 1, 2012 at 2:18 PM · Report this
39
Tom Cruise is AWESOME and f*** the haters.

Knight and Day is awesome!
Posted by June66 on May 29, 2013 at 11:52 AM · Report this

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