This week, a combination of work and family duty (see Saturday's item) forced Last Days out of the office and onto the road. Denied access to our beloved Internet news wires, Last Days was once again forced to rely on the world of glossy periodicals. In honor of Independence Day, we drew items from only those magazines featuring the letters "u" and "s" or some variant of "America" in their titles.

MONDAY, JUNE 24

This month marked the 30th anniversary of the Watergate break-in, when D.C. police arrested five men found inside the Democratic National Committee office with surgical gloves on their hands and sequentially numbered $100 bills traceable to President Nixon's re-election committee in their pockets. To commemorate, U.S. News & World Report published an essay by Roger Simon, who eloquently riffed on the legacy of the 26-month slapstick tragedy known as Watergate. Along with kicky catch phrases ("enemies list," "I am not a crook") and pervasive mistrust of the government, the true legacy of Watergate, Simon says, is "a celebrity culture in which fame and infamy are virtually indistinguishable." For proof, Simon cites the busy speaking-gig schedules of such Watergate felons as H. R. Haldeman, as well as the enduring, mysterious charisma of batty Richard Nixon himself. For insight, Simon turns to celebrated historian Gary Wills, who notes the burgeoning movement of those who would recast Nixon as a martyred hero. "But then they release a new batch of tapes and we see what a son of a bitch he really was," says Wills. "The revisionists are having a harder time with him than most."

··Speaking of the power of personality and the shaping of history: Tonight brought the broadcast of the American Film Institute's tribute to Tom Hanks, who, at 45, became the youngest person ever to receive an AFI Lifetime Achievement Award. By bestowing this award upon the eternally honored Hanks, the American Film Institute has handily transformed the phrase "President Hanks" from pop-savvy punch line to historical inevitability.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25

Today Last Days turns to the pointy-headed patriotism of the monthly Scientific American, which in its latest issue features a very long article about arrested development in adolescent orangutans.

··Speaking of arrested adolescents: This week, thousands of homosexual men (along with gay women and bi and trans folk of both genders) will celebrate Gay Pride, the annual commemoration of all things queer, marked by raucous partying, passionate marching, and criminal littering.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26

For those out of the Hebrew mysticism loop, the kabbalah is the ancient system of wisdom based on esoteric symbols believed to hold the mystery of God and the universe. Traditionally, kabbalists have been Jewish males who devote their lives to intense study and contemplation of sacred scriptures, in hopes of one day divining mystical, nearly impenetrable secrets. But as Us weekly reports, the days of lifetime scripture study may soon be over, as Guy Ritchie--a.k.a. Mr. Madonna--is said to be penning (at his wife's urging) a kabbalah children's book, which "a source" says "will be geared so that young kids can understand it." For an inside view, we consulted a real-live Jew named Nancy, who admitted she hasn't read the kabbalah, but was happy to share what she knows. "Well, you can't start studying it until you're 40 years old. It's supposed to be so intense and profound that its power would fry the brain of anyone younger. It's certainly not a 'fun for the whole family' sort of thing. I'm convinced that the recent interest of celebrities is based on watering it down to hogwash." Well said, Nancy. While we concede that Ritchie's book is an insult to legitimate kabbalists everywhere, Last Days is thrilled that Madonna--the creative force behind the "Act of Contrition" remix, the field-of-burning-crosses dance backdrop, and the Pepsi-ad stigmata--has found a novel way to keep the orthodox squirming.

THURSDAY, JUNE 27

Today brought the publication of the latest issue of The Stranger, America's Hometown Newspaper, featuring the results of last week's thrilling Last Days poll, in which readers were asked, "Where do you think al Qaeda is least likely to strike next?" The answers, as always, were deeply illuminating. "In my pants," said both Robert Puggyboy and John Perreault, two men who obviously should be best friends (or more) for the rest of their lives. Thankfully, other answers actually came close to being funny ("the barber shop"; "Boston's Gay Pride Parade"; "the Nordic Heritage Museum") while a small handful made us swoon: "Ironworld Discovery Center in Chisholm, MN, 'where the heritage of northeastern Minnesota is preserved, celebrated, and showcased for visitors of all ages'"; "Nevada's Berlin-Ichthyosaur State Park"; "'Joy's Comedy Corner' on The View." The most detailed answer came from garrulous New Yorker Leila Walker, who wrote, "The place I least expect to be attacked is in my old apartment, because it is the place that most deserves to be attacked. This apartment featured a perpetually broken elevator; a woman who was always, always on the front stoop, sharing with the world such gems as (and I quote), 'I don't know about these Depends; I think I need the extra absorbency'; the upstairs neighbor who blasted Britney Spears at five in the morning all summer long; the kid who stood in the hallway at 2:00 a.m., yelling at her doll, 'Mi nina! Mi nina! Five! Seven!'; the ice cream truck that parked on the corner between 11:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m., its one song blaring over and over while the owner ran drugs; the graffiti carved into the wall by the elevator, still visible beneath a pathetic paint job: This building should be blown up. Because there is no justice in this world, this apartment building will not be attacked. After watching the towers collapse in September, this sad excuse for a home was the only place in Manhattan I felt safe. God bless America, where the poor can at least sleep soundly knowing that no one cares enough to kill them." Last Days appreciates Ms. Walker's eloquent response. However, the correct answer to Last Days' question is Arby's. Thanks to all who weighed in.

FRIDAY, JUNE 28

The periodical responsible for today's item fails to meet our criteria requiring a patriotic title. However, the magazine is so thoroughly suffused with the spirit of America it may as well be a star-spangled apple pie baked by the Statue of Liberty herself: Guns & Ammo, which this month features an etiquette lesson for American gunfolk. Penned by Tom Gresham, the article bemoans the snootiness of some sport shooters (refusing to share trap ranges, judging those with camouflaged guns as "low-lifes") before calling for renewed emphasis on the fact that guns are fun. "That's our secret weapon," writes Gresham on cultivating a friendly perception of deadly weaponry, "and we should use it at every turn."

SATURDAY, JUNE 29

Today Last Days drove a rented Kia from Washington, D.C. to Charlottesville, Virginia to attend the beautiful outdoor wedding of our older brother Wally and his smart and pretty girlfriend, Ronda. Food and drinks were plentiful, the bride looked gorgeous, and the union seems to be a good one. To quote Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Hurrah for everyone."

SUNDAY, JUNE 30

Nothing happened today (unless you count the March of the Gay Litterbugs).

Hope you all had a frank and productive Pride. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.