MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
The week begins with a thrillingly creepy Hot Tip from Hot Tipper-by-proxy Ismael, who wrote to tell of a friend's brush with perverted fame. The incident occurred last Saturday night outside of Fadó Irish Pub on First Avenue, where Ismael's friend was working as a doorman and was approached by three "dumpy, Bon Jovi-haired" girls, who announced in panicked voices, "That man is following us!" After offering the frightened lassies asylum in his pub, the doorman caught sight of the alleged stalker, described as "a slight Asian man" dressed in a "red, puffy, knee-length parka." As it began to dawn on the doorman just who this man might be, a car pulled up and one of its occupants began hollering, "Hey, you fucking pervert, put that thing away!" Only after the perv had run away did the doorman realize who he'd just seen--the legendary "mosh-pit masher," the widely reviled (and occasionally arrested) sick fuck who has repeatedly pressed his exposed-and-engorged wang against unsuspecting ladies at a variety of rock shows. "I just saw the Asian penis man!" the doorman crowed to his coworkers, all of whom were astonished and impressed. "It was like a Bigfoot sighting," writes Ismael, handily cementing the Asian Penis Man's stature as the Northwest's first celebrity criminal since Ted Bundy. (Confidential to the SPD: Please get this freak off the streets and in treatment ASAP; may we suggest staking out the upcoming Sleater-Kinney shows at the Showbox? Confidential to everyone else: If the police falter, feel free to take the law into your own hands.)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
Speaking of hideous invasions of personal space: Today Last Days received another creepy Hot Tip, this one from Hot Tipper Kate, who was stretched out on a blanket on the sunny banks of Green Lake when she heard footsteps right above her head. "Before I can look to see who it is," Kate writes, "this hand jams its way down my tank top and grabs my right boob! I was in shock, thinking it had to be one of my friends--and that I was going to kill him." But when Kate looked up, all she could see was a thin young man running away with his shirt over his head. With her impromptu trip to second base safely behind her, Kate left with an array of nagging questions. "Have I created so much bad karma for myself that this is how I'm being repaid? Or is there really a serial boob grabber out there?" If anyone has answers to either of these questions, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
Speaking of manhandled body parts: Today Reuters reported the horrifying story of the methamphetamine-packed man in Sydney, Australia, who responded to an argument with his wife by chopping off his little finger, his scrotum, his penis, and finally his left hand with a carving knife. Lucky for Choppy McSpeedfreak, the entire ordeal was witnessed by a crew of Australian ambulance officers, who prevented the man from bleeding to death and packed his recovered body parts in ice, in hopes of future reattachment. The man was then flown to a Sydney hospital, where he underwent emergency microsurgery and has been listed in stable condition.
··Speaking of idiots: Today Last Days received another cut'n'paste postcard from the anonymous reader intent on proving the inherent inferiority of nonwhite races by mailing us news reports of crimes committed by minorities. (Confidential to our bigoted pen pal: Don't you have anything better to do with your time? And have you considered suicide?)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
Speaking of suicide: Tonight in Tacoma, the Commencement Art Gallery was celebrating the opening of Soundings, the new exhibition by Seattle painter Saul Becker, which seeks to "examine the relationship between identity and origin." Unfortunately, across the street at Tacoma's Winthrop Hotel, an apparently desolate man was seeking to examine the relationship between body mass and gravity by plunging from a fifth-story window onto the street below. "Two Sound Transit workers and I ran over to aid the damaged individual," reports Hot Tipper J. Bennett Thurmon, who, when he's not rushing to the aid of suicide jumpers, serves as the Commencement Art Gallery's executive director. "Unfortunately, there wasn't much we could do except monitor his breathing until the fire department arrived." Despite everyone's best efforts, the jumper died later at the hospital. Thanks to Hot Tipper J. for helping and for tipping.
··In other unfortunate news: Today the Washington State Supreme Court ruled that, while it may be "disgusting and reprehensible," filming up women's skirts isn't actually against the law. According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the high court unanimously agreed the state's voyeurism law "does not apply to actions taken in purely public places," and overturned the convictions of two men previously found guilty of camera crimes and sexual deviancy. (One was arrested while shooting up the skirt of a woman at the Bite of Seattle; the other was caught plying his pervy trade on women at the Union Gap Mall.) Rightfully disgusted by what the law required them to do, the state senate is now making strides to alter Washington's voyeurism law to include a broader range of voyeuristic behavior, including but not limited to "upskirt photography."
··In a tiny bit of good news: Today the Seattle P-I reported the busting-up of a notorious Northwest prostitution ring, which for years has promised destitute young women better lives in the U.S., only to make them "virtual sex slaves" in brothels in Seattle and Portland. In a 49-page complaint, Seattle-based FBI agent Cory Cote offered details on the excessively creepy international smuggling and prostitution ring, whose first station was in Asia, where "brokers" offer to help impoverished young women from China, Vietnam, Korea, Malaysia, and Thailand obtain temporary or student visas to enter the U.S.--for a cost as high as $40,000. Once in the country, the women would be forced into prostitution as a way to "repay the debt," working out of brothels as far south as Portland, and as close to home as Seattle's First Hill, where two or three women lived and worked out of an apartment in the "new, nicely appointed" Vantage Park Apartments at 1010 Alder Street. On Tuesday, five Seattle men, a man from Portland, and a man and woman from Los Angeles were arrested and charged with conspiracy and transporting individuals to commit prostitution. Meanwhile, 14 former sex slaves are being held in federal custody, and "more arrests are expected."
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
Today Newsday.com ran a fascinating story on the allegedly rampant pot-smoking of the New York Mets, featuring this thrilling photo of a real live Met smoking from a real live bong. Other highlights included the revelation of certain Mets' secret smuggling tips (bags o' pot shoved in jars o' peanut butter) and stealthy paraphernalia maneuvers (bury bongs in hotel shrub patches for E-Z access next time through).
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
Today in Jerusalem, a 91-year-old man died after his caregiver mistakenly spread the old man's toast with a pastelike detergent instead of hummus. The caregiver has told police the mistake was caused by his inability to read the Hebrew writing on the detergent's container. Police are investigating.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
Nothing happened today.
Send your Hot Tips to email@example.com.