MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26 This week of smooth-jazz grinchiness, criminal comedic outbursts, and the dazzling intersection of alligators and marijuana kicks off in Florida, where, as we reported last month, a couple dozen contestants showed up at Ben Siegel Reptiles in Deerfield Beach for the chance to win an $850 python. As CNN reports, the contestants competed in a roach-and-worm-eating contest, with the person who consumed the most roaches and worms claiming the prize python. The "winner": Edward Archbold, a 32-year-old man who gobbled down dozens of bugs to win the python, then dropped dead. Addressing the tragic accident today, Broward County medical officials named the cause of Archbold's death as "asphyxia due to choking and aspiration of gastric contents." The medical examiner's office "said his airway was obstructed by bug body parts, and ruled his death was an accident," reports CNN.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Speaking of reptiles tossed into dramas beyond their knowledge, the week continues in nearby Thurston County, where last night sheriff's deputies responded to a report of a shooting at a house near Olympia. As the Seattle Times reports, police were greeted by a 41-year-old man who lives at the home, who contended the shooting was done in self-defense after someone tried to run him over outside his home. "While inside the home, investigators found a floor-to-ceiling brass pole and talked to an exotic dancer," reports the Times. "When detectives tried to walk into another room they were met by two five-foot-long alligators hissing at them from the floor." Beyond the reptiles: a marijuana grow area that the gators were there to protect. "They were just crawling around on the floor," said sheriff's spokesman Lieutenant Greg Elwin to the Times. After helping officers corral the gators into a bathroom, the 41-year-old suspect was arrested for investigation of attempted murder. (Impressively, neither the weed nor the alligators have inspired any criminal complaints as of this writing.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 Nothing happened today, unless you count the already legendary freak-out by someone claiming to be Kenny G's manager, which is covered in this week's New Column!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29 Nothing happened today, unless you count the United Nations voting to recognize the sovereign state of Palestine, which will be upgraded by the UN to "non-member state" status.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30 The week continues with Katt Williams, the diminutive comedian previously best known for his standup comedy specials and performance in the film Friday After Next. But thanks to his recent shenanigans, he's now the diminutive comedian best known for coming to your town and fucking shit up. The recent history: At a November 16 performance in Oakland, Williams stayed onstage for only 10 minutes, during which he allegedly "confronted a heckler, took his clothes off, and attempted to fight at least three audience members," according to a lawsuit filed by a disgruntled audience member. The weekend after Thanksgiving, Williams was involved in a police chase through Sacramento before allegedly slapping a Target employee (on camera!) in Woodland, California. Which brings us to this past week, when Williams was scheduled to perform two shows at Seattle's Paramount Theater. Last night, Williams didn't show. As the LA Weekly reports, "[We have] learned that his Thursday no-show was caused not by an arrest, as audience members were told, but by an episode in which Williams's Hummer ran out of gas on the way to the event and the comedian allegedly slashed its tires and rammed it with a backup vehicle." Tonight, Williams deigned to perform at the Paramount, after which "some fans alleged that Williams attacked them after they tried to take a photo with him," reports the Seattle Times. "Williams denied those allegations, police said, and no arrests were made." For the conclusion of Katt Williams's Seattle freak-out, see Sunday.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1 The week continues with a glorious gift to the millions of Americans made queasy by the unique combination of smarm, disdain, entitlement, and gracelessness that was GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. The source of this gift: The Washington Post, which today published Philip Rucker's story "A Detached Romney Tends Wounds in Seclusion After Failed White House Bid," which was packed head-to-toe with schadenfreude-rich text. Three highlights:
"The defeated Republican nominee has practically disappeared from public view since his loss, exhibiting the same detachment that made it so difficult for him to connect with the body politic through six years of running for president."
"By all accounts, the past month has been most difficult on Romney's wife, Ann, who friends said believed up until the end that ascending to the White House was their destiny. They said she has been crying in private and trying to get back to riding her horses."
"After Romney told his wealthy donors that he blamed his loss on 'gifts' Obama gave to minority groups, his functionaries were unrepentant and Republican luminaries effectively cast him out. Few of the policy ideas he promoted are even being discussed in Washington. 'Nothing so unbecame his campaign as his manner of leaving it,' said Robert Shrum, a senior strategist on Democratic presidential campaigns. 'I don't think he'll ever be a significant figure in public life again.'"
Thank you, Washington Post, and good riddance, Mitt Romney.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2 The week ends with another blast of Katt Williams craziness, as this afternoon the 41-year-old comic visited the World Sports Grille near Ninth and Westlake, where he allegedly argued with patrons and brandished a pool cue at the bar's manager. "Police also allege that Williams followed a family out of the bar, flicked a cigarette through the window of the family's car, and threw a rock at the vehicle," reports the Seattle Times. "The cigarette hit one of the family members just below her eye." By nightfall, Williams will be arrested and booked into King County Jail for investigation of assault, harassment, and obstruction. By sunrise, Williams will have been bailed out of jail by Suge Knight. Stay tuned.
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