MONDAY, DECEMBER 31 The week begins with a year's end, an event allegedly commemorated by one Seattle man by robbing a bank and then masturbating in public. Details come from Seattlepi.com, which identifies the robbery site as the U.S. Bank near the intersection of Broadway and East John Street, where today a "robber claimed to have a bomb and fled with an unspecified amount of cash." Police will hunt for the suspected robber until tomorrow, when bystanders will alert authorities to a man seen masturbating in the entryway of the Capitol Hill Ferrari dealership. "Officers found the man sitting in the doorway, and realized he looked a lot like the guy from the bank robbery," reports Seattlepi.com. "During a search of his person, they found money crammed into his pockets and hidden in the soles of his shoes, according to the police statement." The alleged bank-robbing wanker has been booked into King County Jail on suspicion of robbery.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 1 Happy New Year! Nothing happened today, unless you count the New Year's Day celebration-turned-stampede that killed 60 people in Ivory Coast, most of them women and children, or the car collision that killed a photographer trying to take pictures of Justin Bieber in Los Angeles.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2 The week (and month and year and era) continues in Washington, DC, where today, as CBS News reports, "House Speaker John Boehner met with criticism from both sides of the political spectrum for his sudden decision to pull the plug on the vote for desperately needed aid for Superstorm Sandy victims." Among Boehner's most vociferous critics: New Jersey governor Chris Christie, who today blasted GOP leadership's failure to approve the $60.4 billion bill as "disappointing and disgusting to watch... We respond to innocent victims of natural disasters not as Republicans or Democrats, but as Americans. Or at least we did until last night. Last night, politics was placed before our oath to serve our citizens." Christie continued: "There's only one group to blame for the continued suffering of these innocent victims—the House majority and their Speaker, John Boehner." On Friday, the House of Representatives will vote to approve a $9 billion package to help fund post-Sandy recovery, against the wishes of a full quarter of Republican congress members—including vice-presidential nopeful Paul Ryan—who will vote against the legislation. "Friday's vote indicates that there could be a fight looming when a larger package for $51 billion of reconstruction aid comes before the House on 15 January," reports the Guardian. "There is now a real prospect of an ugly debate over the details of that package." Stay tuned.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 3 In dopier news, the week continues in Rocklin, California, where a teenage girl stands accused of drugging her parents so she could use the internet. Details come from the Sacramento Bee, which reports the alleged drama went down last Friday, when a 15-year-old girl was hosting a sleepover with a 16-year-old female friend. As the Sacramento Bee reports, "internet access at the Rocklin home was routinely shut off at 10 p.m.," a fact that allegedly inspired the girls to drug the internet overseers. "[The] 15-year-old girl... offered to pick up milkshakes from a local fast-food restaurant for her parents," reports the Bee. "The parents drank about a quarter of the milkshakes but didn't finish them, saying they tasted funny and were grainy..." Nevertheless, the parents drank enough of the shakes—which were loaded with prescription sleep aids—to quickly fall asleep. Upon waking in the morning with headaches and grogginess, the parents gave themselves over-the-counter drug tests. When the tests turned up positive, the parents called the cops, and the teens were arrested on charges of conspiracy and willfully mingling a pharmaceutical with food. "The girls wanted to use the internet, and they'd go to whatever means they had to," said Rocklin police lieutenant Lon Milka. "If they were adults, they could be facing prison time."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 4 In better news, the week continues with Tammy Baldwin, the new Democratic US senator from the state of Wisconsin and the first openly gay senator in US history. "I am proud to have the honor to have been sworn in just... an hour or so ago as the first woman from the state of Wisconsin and as the first openly gay member to serve in the United States Senate in our nation's history," said Baldwin at her reception in the Russell Senate Office Building, to what the Huffington Post described as "loud, sustained applause." Congratulations to Tammy Baldwin and the United States of America!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 5 In lesser news, the week continues in Baton Rouge, where today flash mob–inspired chaos led to the evacuation of the Mall of Louisiana. "The fight broke out in the mall food court, where 200 teens had gathered for a flash mob," reports ABC News. "Employees at the mall were ordered to abandon their cash registers and evacuate immediately. No injuries or weapons were reported."
•• Meanwhile in Aurora, Colorado: Six months after a gunman fatally shot 12 people at a midnight screening of some fucking Batman film, today another gunman fatally shot three people before being fatally shot by police.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 6 The week ends with Seattle in the news. First up: the Seattle Seahawks, who continued their winning streak by today triumphing over the Washington Redskins, earning themselves a spot in something called "the second round of the playoffs." However, the blissful whooping of Seahawks fans was soon drowned out by the bloodthirsty shushing of Downton Abbey viewers, with PBS confirming that Seattle had the highest viewership for tonight's third-season premiere of the BBC's immaculately appointed soap opera, with Boston, Austin, and New York City coming in second, third, and fourth, respectively. Despite the blockbuster numbers, it must be acknowledged that tonight's Downton Abbey episode was, for the most part, a howlingly ridiculous parade of world-class actors speaking some of the worst dialogue ever found outside a soon-to-be-canceled daytime soap. More, please.
But if I hear one more simpering word about stupid dead Lavinia, I'm killing everyone. Send hot tips to email@example.com.