MONDAY, JANUARY 28 This week of good news, bad news, and news that makes one want to never stop throwing up kicks off with the latter in Brazil, where an evangelical pastor stands accused of tricking his religious adherents into sucking his penis. Details come from the Spanish news website Qué.es, which identifies the tricky pastor as Valdeci Sobreno Picanto, who allegedly told members of his flock that the Holy Spirit secreted from his penis in the form of "sacred milk." As one alleged victim told the press, "Often, after worship, Pastor Valdeci would take us to... the back of the church and asked us to have oral sex with him until the Holy Spirit would come through ejaculation." This pastor is in jail, and this whole story is fucking ridiculous, but after the Catholic Church's recent couple of decades, we can't put anything past them.
•• In far less goofy news, today Seahawks linebacker Leroy Hill was arrested on investigation of unlawful imprisonment and third-degree assault after he allegedly punched his girlfriend a dozen times, struck her with a bottle, stood on her chest, and effectively held her hostage for six hours because she reportedly misplaced her keys. Six hours later, she was able to escape and alert police while Hill was in the bathroom. "On Thursday, a King County Superior Court judge [will] set Hill's bail at $150,000," reports Seattlepi.com.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 29 In much better news, today brings this heartening sentence from Reuters: "Foes of same-sex marriage are laboring to pay the tab for an epic legal case now before the US Supreme Court, as the movement suffers from fundraising shortfalls that could sap its strength in future battles." Here's another: "ProtectMarriage.com, the advocacy group defending a California gay marriage ban now under review by the high court, showed a $2 million deficit in its legal fund at the end of 2011—the third year in a row that expenses exceeded donations, federal tax records show." Reuters-identified reasons for the fundraising falloff: "donor fatigue, the dramatic rise in public support for gay marriage, and the softening of some major gay marriage opponents."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30 In much worse news, today brings this galling sentence from Seattlepi.com: "Ex-UW frat president charged with rape, again." Here's another: "The charge marks the second time in three years Edwin 'Kevin' De Boer has been charged with sexually assaulting a young woman following a night of drinking." As Seattlepi.com reports, De Boer's first sexual assault charge came in 2009, when he was an undergrad serving as president of a University of Washington fraternity, where he allegedly raped a 21-year-old student during a party. For this first rape charge, De Boer took a plea deal that allowed him to avoid registering as a sex offender or even admitting to rape, and required him to perform 15 days of community service. Which brings us to De Boer's current sexual assault charge: "King County prosecutors contend De Boer, 26, spiked the woman's drink with a sedative during a date, then raped her at his apartment," reports Seattlepi.com. "Police contend De Boer denied drugging [the woman] but admitted to sexually assaulting her while they were together." Having pleaded not guilty to charges of second-degree rape, De Boer is currently jailed on $300,000 bail.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 31 The week continues with a day of sentencing. The subject of the first sentence: Gavin J. Haggith, the 30-year-old man in Ferndale who was today found guilty of getting out of his car and punching a jogger in a bout of "road rage," for which he was sentenced to more than two years in prison for assault. The subject of the second sentence: Donald McNeely, a 55-year-old Bothell man who today pleaded guilty to fatally shooting his wife, who, as the Associated Press reports, was dying of brain cancer but was ineligible for legal physician-assisted death due to dementia. After pleading guilty to second-degree murder, McNeely was sentenced to two years in prison. The subject of the third sentence: Army Specialist Patrick Myers, the 27-year-old soldier at Fort Hood, Texas, who today pleaded guilty to accidentally and fatally shooting his friend while trying to relieve his hiccups. "Myers told police he thought the weapon had dummy rounds and was trying to scare his friend so his hiccups would stop," reports the Associated Press. After pleading guilty to involuntary manslaughter, Myers was sentenced to three and a half years in military prison.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1 In lighter news, the week continues in Los Angeles, where today a man wanted on suspicion of drunken driving led police on a slow-speed chase, which ended after the man pulled over to inhale the contents of a balloon and was yanked out of the vehicle by cops. "The suspect was identified by his father, who was at the scene, as 24-year-old Jorge Leonardo Sanchez," reports NBC. "The man's father told NBC4 that Sanchez had problems in the past with nitrous oxide, an inhalant typically known as laughing gas that when huffed creates a feeling of euphoria."
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2 In worse news, the week continues at a gun range in Erath County, Texas, where today Chris Kyle—best-selling author, former Navy SEAL, and mental-health advocate for military veterans with PTSD—was fatally shot by a man he'd taken to the gun range to "aid his recovery," as police told ABC News. "A second man, identified by police as 35-year-old Chad Littlefield, was also shot at point-blank range and killed," reports ABC. "The suspect, identified by police as 25-year-old Eddie Ray Routh, is a veteran who served in Iraq and Haiti, and who police say may have been suffering from some type of mental illness from being in the military." Routh will be charged with two counts of capital murder.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Super Bowl, the Puppy Bowl, the Beyoncé Bowl, or the deadly attack on a police station in the northern Iraqi city of Kirkuk, which resulted in the deaths of at least 33 people.