From the Jan 8 – Jan 14, 2004 issue

Columns

Last Days

by David Schmader

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29

Coming in just under the wire, today brought the worst story of 2003, courtesy of the mercilessly thorough folks at the Associated Press. Taking place in the beige wasteland around Holdenville, Oklahoma, today's saga was set in motion about one month ago, when 37-year-old Effie Goodson was introduced to and became friends with 21-year-old mother-to-be Carolyn Simpson, an employee of a tribal casino patronized by Ms. Goodson. The six-months-pregnant Simpson was last seen on December 22, when investigators believe she left her job at the casino in the company of Ms. Goodson. The next day, Goodson appeared at a Holdenville hospital, telling doctors she had miscarried and handing over a dead, six-month-old fetus. Further investigation determined Goodson could not have given birth, and she was taken into police custody. Meanwhile, on December 26, a hunter found Carolyn Simpson's body in a field near Lamar, OK, with a bullet through her head and evidence that a baby had been cut from her womb. Today Oklahoma prosecutor Linda Evans announced her intent to file two murder charges against Effie Goodson in the slaying of Carolyn Simpson and her six-month-old fetus. Goodson's motive: Police have offered nothing conclusive, but the AP reports that Effie Goodson had falsely told several people that she was pregnant, including her husband, who believed she was expecting, and her friends, who threw her a baby shower. Eep, and stay tuned.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30

Today the Bush administration took time off from its busy ruining-the-future schedule to announce the U.S. government's first-ever ban on a dietary supplement (if you don't count Ecstasy, cocaine, or crystal meth). Starting early next year, U.S. retailers will be forbidden to peddle ephedra, the popular, amphetamine-like herbal weight-control supplement whose heart-rate-increasing, blood-vessel-constricting properties have been linked to the deaths of roughly 155 people. "The time to stop using this product is now," says Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson, who told the Associated Press he chose to announce the ban in advance in hopes of discouraging ephedra use among diet-prone New Year's resolutioners. "I don't want people turning to ephedra thinking they could lose weight," said Thompson. (As for those who turn to ephedra to drive trucks, cram for exams, or dance dance dance, you have three months to legally stock up.)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31

Today was the final day of the year, widely popularized as the last, best hope for terrorists to wipe America off the face of the earth in 2003. Thank God nothing horrible happened, thus liberating Last Days to report this featherweight item about Disney's tone-deaf choice of float for this year's Rose Parade, scheduled to roll down Pasadena's Colorado Boulevard tomorrow morning. Designed to advertise the launch of a new thrill ride at Anaheim's Disneyland, the "Twilight Zone Tower of Terror" depicts a 100-foot hotel tower that's struck by lightning during an earthquake, and features an elevator full of stunt performers that plunges to the ground. Parade officials told the Associated Press that Disney's float "went through the same rigorous process" as every float, but any relationship to 9/11 "did not come up" during the evaluation period. In addition to the flaming tower of death, Disney's float will also feature such characters as Mickey Mouse and will be covered with roses, carnations, and daisies.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 1

Nothing happened today (thank God).

FRIDAY, JANUARY 2

Speaking of God: Today Pat Robertson shared the news that God has informed the tubby televangelist that President Bush will be reelected in a landslide. "The Lord has just blessed him," said Robertson of Dubya. "It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad; God picks him up because he's a man of prayer and God's blessing him." Undoubtedly, God is spinning in his grave.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 3

Hot on the heels of last week's story of a reputed mobster behaving exactly like an actual mobster comes today's tale of two down-and-out Caucasian Americans behaving exactly like sketch-comedy trailer trash. The tragically stereotypical pair was spotted this morning in Ravenna by Hot Tipper Jeremy, who was strolling down Northeast 65th Street when he witnessed a screaming match between "a weathered woman with a brown mullet and her scrubby boyfriend." According to our ear- and eyewitness, the match began with the woman--who was walking down the middle of the street--warning the man that "he'd better not spend the last of his money at Denny's." The man responded by ordering the woman to "get out of the fucking road." "If you try and come home to the truck," screamed the woman, "I'm not going to fucking let you in." "Fuck off, whore," responded the man before storming off. Last Days thanks Jeremy for his account of this richly messy human scene, and curses the undoubtedly cruel twists of fate that denied this pair the dignity of a private place to fight.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 4

Last week, Last Days wrote of the Christmas Eve plunger, the middle-aged Caucasian woman who, on December 24, leapt from a downtown edifice to collide with Metro power lines before hitting the pavement. In our initial account, we made some factual errors, and we posed some questions. Today, both errors and questions were addressed in a letter from Teresa, an employee of the flower shop in the Bon-Macy's parking garage lobby. "The woman actually jumped from the Bon-Macy's parking garage, not the Nordstrom parking garage," writes Teresa. "My coworkers and I watched the firefighters work on the woman for maybe 10 minutes or so. I went to ask a police officer how the woman was doing, but I didn't need to. The ambulances weren't going anywhere in a hurry and the police hadn't cleaned up the scene yet--they'd left one of her shoes behind next to two large pools of blood. After Christmas, I found out that the woman had a 13-year-old son, whom she'd taken downtown with her and left at the Bon while she crossed the street to jump.* A parking attendant told me this is far from the first time someone has jumped from the garage. She also said that the local news rarely covers stories like this so as to prevent other despondents from 'scouting locations.' Much to my disbelief, however, in the midst of all this chaos, KOMO's Eric Johnson walked through the lobby with his family. Bizarre. On a personal note, this whole experience was weirdly affecting. I must have seen this woman walk through the parking garage before she jumped. A few weeks ago, you talked about how child abuse came to your doorstep in the form of that little girl. At the risk of sounding trite and clichéd, I feel like she was at my doorstep looking for help and I turned her away without realizing it. It sounds ridiculous, but I still think about her all the time."

*This heartbreaking fact was corroborated by reader Mandy, a Bon employee who identified the boy as an 11-year-old whose mother said she had to go out to her car and for him to meet her in the furniture department in half an hour. "An hour and a half later he approached a sales associate and said he couldn't find his mother," writes Mandy. "She did not survive."

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