MONDAY, MARCH 14 The week kicks off with some world-historic good news, as San Francisco Superior Court Judge Richard Kramer ruled that California's ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. Wisely likening the gay-marriage ban to laws demanding racial segregation in schools, Judge Kramer dismissed the state's existing "domestic partners" law as a continuation of the loathsome notion of "separate but equal," concluding that there appears to be "no rational purpose" for denying marriage rights to gay couples. But whoever accused the anti-gay marriage movement of being rational? "For a single judge to rule there is no conceivable purpose for preserving marriage as one man and one woman is mind-boggling," said Liberty Counsel President Mathew Staver to the Associated Press. "This decision will be gasoline on the fire of the pro-marriage movement in California as well as the rest of the country." But as Judge Kramer's ruling reiterates, the "fire of the pro-marriage movement" is kept burning by discrimination, from subtle and secular (civil unions) to gross and Godly ("Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve"). So thank God for the constitutional separation of church and state, an ever more tenuous mandate still capable of enabling such heroically lucid rulings as today's by Judge Kramer, which drove home the thrilling evolution of human consciousness. Once a radical fantasy, the notion of equal rights for gay people has grown into a cultural ideal, at least in the blue states, where "don't be mean to gays" has joined "racism is bad" and "women deserve respect" in prime-time television's stock arsenal of morals. Hurrah, onward and upward, now brace yourself for the appeals.

TUESDAY, MARCH 15 Speaking of good news: Today brought another freakishly mild late-winter day to Seattle, where lucky citizens have been luxuriating in what history will recall as the region's nicest winter in history, starring above-average temperatures and below-average precipitation. But every globally-warmed rose has its thorn, and Governor Gregoire has already declared a statewide drought emergency, girding her state for a dry, burny summer by instructing the National Guard to buff up their wildfire-fighting skills and requesting an additional $8.2 million for "drought-related appropriations." As for city-dwellers, drought preparation is simple, requiring the return to the three-minute shower and the statewide reinstatement of Operation If It's Yellow, Let It Mellow.


WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16 From discussion of the weather we turn to the fascinating world of finance, as today the House of Representatives approved $81.4 billion for "defense-related expenses," undercutting the Dubya-butt-suckingness of the bazillion-dollar bill by forbidding any of the funds to be used to build a sprawling U.S. Embassy in Baghdad.


THURSDAY, MARCH 17 Hot on the heels of yesterday's jaw-dropping acquittal of Robert Blake--who was officially declared not guilty [sic] for the murder of his whacked wife, Bonny Lee Bakley--today brings another tale of shocking celebrity justice, as 29-year-old Kimberly Jones--best known as internationally adored hiphop hoochie Li'l Kim--was convicted of perjury and conspiracy after being found guilty of lying to a federal grand jury. Kim's incriminating lies were delivered during 2001 grand jury testimony, during which the Li'l one denied having seen two of her close friends at a 2001 gun battle outside the offices of NYC hiphop station Hot 97 (also known as the deadliest patch of land this side of the Gaza Strip). Unfortunately for Kim, the two friends she'd lied to protect promptly turned on her, earning reduced gun charges and lenient sentencing for their testimony against the rapper, whom each man swore under oath to have seen at the shootout. Caught in an obvious lie (there were photos), Kim now faces up to 20 years in prison--a harsh-as-hell fate for a lady who only wanted to get her friends' backs. Still, if the imprisonment of Martha Stewart taught us anything, it's that the government doesn't like being lied to--particularly if the lies are spoken under oath before a federal grand jury. Condolences to Li'l Kim, who faces sentencing on June 24.

•• Meanwhile: Having come to the conclusion of the proceedings against Robert "White O. J." Blake and Li'l "Beige Martha" Kim, Last Days no longer has to pretend to care about any celebrity trial other than Michael Jackson's, the outcome of which might be hinted at in today's revelations. As the acquittal of Robert Blake demonstrates: Reasonable doubt is a tenacious motherfucker, and the sketchiness already displayed by Jackson's accusers may be enough to support an acquittal. But as the conviction of Li'l Kim displays: Sometimes juries know how to see through the bullshit. Stay tuned.


FRIDAY, MARCH 18 The week continues with a blast of international intrigue, courtesy of Hot Tipper Laura, a former Seattleite residing in El Salvador. "There aren't many Hot Tips here that can beat those of Seattle," writes Laura, "although the practice of kissing your hand after touching a male baby's testicles still freaks me out. Still, I wanted to share the story of the naked man of Morazán, who can be found all over--sometimes in Jocorro lounging and reading a newspaper on the sidewalk, sometimes on the side of the Pan-American Highway, always naked. We don't seem to have any public indecency laws here, because he is always roaming around freely. If only Seattle could work out an exchange program, so the Naked Guy Wandering Around Westlake Center could enjoy an unbothered life in the nude."


SATURDAY, MARCH 19 Speaking of international intrigue: After months of billion-dollar bloodshed, today the Iraq war entered the Terrible Twos, as Operation Iraqi Whatever celebrated its second anniversary. To voice their disapproval of the ongoing war, several thousand Seattle citizens--including church groups, labor unions, stinky hippies and enlightened war vets--marched from Seattle Center to Westlake Park and back in the rain. Meanwhile, several thousand other Seattle citizens--including well-meaning but wussy newspaper columnists--chose to register their disapproval by staying inside and watching the entire second season of Popular on DVD. Down with Bush, up with Mary Cherry.

SUNDAY, MARCH 20 Nothing happened today, unless you count Hot Tipper Dean's sighting of a collision between a young Asian woman and a large African-American man on a motor scooter (which we do) or the ferocious minute-by-minute congressional battle over Terry Schiavo's now-it's-in-now-it's-out feeding tube, which we don't. (If only the government cared half as much about feeding the non-brain-damaged.)

Have you witnessed something amazing, entrancing, or oddly beguiling? A fully dressed bride being pushed out of a helicopter? A soiled baby sock floating in a puddle? How about a three-chambered peanut? If so, send word of your sighting to lastdays@thestranger.com, Remember: If it's worth repeating, it's worth repeating to Last Days.