MONDAY, OCTOBER 11 The week got off to a ghastly start today as Last Days wandered into the downtown Bon Marché and was immediately confronted with a small forest of garishly bedecked Christmas trees. After rubbing our eyes in disbelief and confirming by the calendar that it was indeed a full 75 days until Christmas, we turned on our heel and ran as quickly as possible in the opposite direction. Sometimes we wish Mary would have miscarried.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 12 Today: The tale of a remarkably stupid bank robbery, from Seattle's very own Capitol Hill. The festival of ineptitude began at 4 pm, when Seattle Police received a call reporting a robbery at Washington Mutual Bank, 301 Broadway E. Less than an hour later, police received a second call, this one from a "confidential informant," reporting that two of the robbers were hiding in an apartment building less than 50 yards from the bank. Police evacuated the majority of the building (at the corner of Broadway and Harrison), closed down a six-block area, and called in a SWAT team. Meanwhile, the robbers decided to go completely nuts. One attempted to quietly smash his way out a window; he was promptly arrested and identified as the robber on the bank's surveillance tape. The other took a more circuitous route, mingling with the crowd of onlookers before informing reporters that he was a friend of the suspects. Upon further questioning, the man -- whom bystanders report looked like he had shot at least 50 pounds of heroin -- offered confused and conflicting reports of how he'd spent his afternoon, and was soon hauled off to King County Jail (turns out the other suspect in custody had already ratted out the blabbermouth smackhead). Believing a third suspect was still hiding in the apartment, perhaps with firearms and hostages, police called in a professional hostage negotiator. When the negotiator's calls to the apartment went unanswered, they sent in the SWAT team, who found only a big pile of money. The money was returned, the police went home, and the dumb men remain in jail.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13 Over the years the combination of booze and coffee has been used to cure everything from mild hypothermia to low self-esteem. Today in Seattle, a bunch of neurologists learned of a potential new use for this cure-all combo. At an American Neurological Association meeting at the Westin Hotel, scientists from the University of Texas in Houston revealed that in studies done on rats, a mixture of alcohol and caffeine proved highly effective in breaking up the blood clots that cause brain damage after a stroke. The Lone Star scientists found that alcohol alone made stroke damage worse, while caffeine alone did nothing at all; however, the booze-buzz combo outperformed nearly all the stroke medicines available on the market today. Despite the smashing results, researchers face an uphill battle in securing funds to continue their study. As Dr. James Grotta told the Seattle P-I, "Obviously, no pharmaceutical company is going to fund a study of alcohol and caffeine since they won't be able to make money from those substances." Thankfully, heroic local company Starbucks is rushing to the rescue by introducing the Strokeaccino, a frozen blended Irish whiskey beverage debuting October 29.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14 Today a brand new edition of The Stranger hit the streets, featuring within its inky pages the essay "Worse Than Hitler," a short, glib diatribe excoriating the relentlessly lame rock star Lenny Kravitz, written by yours truly (under our ridiculous pseudonym David Schmader). Within hours of the paper's distribution, KeyArena announced that, due to a mysterious illness, Lenny Kravitz would be unable to perform October 15. Last Days was promptly swamped by e-mails and phone messages suggesting that our mean-spirited piece may have irreparably damaged Mr. Kravitz's "mojo," and we were accused of running the sensitive artist out of town with our heartless words. Last Days has nothing to say in response to these allegations. However, we would like to bring the Hitler comparison full circle by pointing out that never in his life did Adolf Hitler wuss out of a performance engagement -- except once, when he was busy blowing his face off in a bunker. Lenny Kravitz, please take note.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16 Today: The inside scoop on the shameful acts of maple syrup terrorism currently plaguing the Seattle Public Library system. Every day for the past week and a half, between two and four Seattle Public Library branches have been hit by a gang of sticky miscreants who get their kicks by venturing out in the dark of night and pouring maple syrup through their book drops. The latest victim: The Wallingford branch, who today received their first visit from the Maple Syrup Gang. Thankfully, the syrup missed hitting any library materials, soiling only a few free newspapers and a bit of carpet. Still, this is a crime even stupider and pettier than comparing bad rock stars to murderous tyrants, and one that has caused many libraries to protect themselves by locking their book drops at night -- thereby defeating the purpose of a motherfucking book drop in the first place. Anyone with information on these reprehensible criminals should contact Last Days and the Seattle Police ASAP.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17 Life imitated art today on the streets of downtown Seattle as a trio of friends walked home from Meridian 16's afternoon showing of Fight Club, the punch-errific new flick featuring the foxy Brad Pitt and the foxier Edward Norton. Upon exiting the theater, the strolling friends were nearly run down by a lady on a cell phone driving a black BMW. As the pedestrians quite plainly had the right of way (as always), one of them gave a cautionary thwack to the back of the would-be death car. In a flash the car screeched to a halt and spat from its passenger seat a furious Abercrombie & Fitch-clad meathead who began throwing vicious punches at the two girls and a guy. The slugfest was soon halted by one of the women (who happens to be a boxer), but the meathead insisted on detaining the three until police came to arrest them for touching his property. Thankfully a witness stepped up to confirm the BMW driver's complete culpability, freeing the pedestrians and leaving the car-driving duo to their lives of endless idiocy.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18 The week wraps up with this heartwarming tale of Bill Clinton's impending madness. Tonight, on an abandoned, rainy golf course in Arlington, VA, the soon-to-be former president spooked friends and advisors by playing a full round of golf, alone, in the dark. "It was odd," a long-time Clinton insider told the Drudge Report. "Maybe he is working off stress, or is using golf as a form of therapy or prevention. I'm worried." Whatever the prez's motives, witnesses report that he was swinging wildly and hitting balls everywhere. Last Days' calls to the White House press office to confirm the president's final golf score went unanswered.
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