From the Apr 12 – Apr 18, 2001 issue

Columns

Last Days

by Tamara Paris

MONDAY, APRIL 2 The week began with a blistering e-mail message from a Hot Tipper accosted by a proselytizing Christian--in a Jewish gym! "In the Stroum Jewish Community Center, a fellow member got on a treadmill next to a Jewish man. Pretty soon she's asking him to come to a 'dinner and a movie' event at the Mercer Island Covenant Church. Then she tries to pull me into it: 'Are you ready to hear the word of God?' This is why I and so many others hate fucking Christians. The nerve of her to come into a Jewish community center and try to recruit new members for her fucking Jesus church. I've never seen anything like it!" Though Last Days sympathizes, might we suggest that this anonymous Tipper do as our Lord Fucking Jesus would do and turn the other fucking cheek?

· · Also today, more religious lunatics raised holy hell in Kentucky's Bible belt, Reuters reported. U.S. District Judge Juanita Coffman decided not to hold local officials in contempt for allegedly defying her order to remove a display of the Ten Commandments from the walls of schools and county courthouses. Supporters of the displays had maintained that they had met any constitutional restrictions by including the Declaration of Independence and the Magna Carta. The American Civil Liberties Union countered that the displays still violate the constitutional principle of the separation of church and state. In a remarkably sensible ruling, Coffman gave the opposing sides 30 days to try to work out a mutually agreeable solution.

TUESDAY, APRIL 3 The U.S. Postal Service announced today that in order to offset a $2 billion to $3 billion loss this fiscal year, it will study cutting back to a five-day schedule that would eliminate mail delivery on Saturdays, the Associated Press reported. Last Days was strangely saddened by this clear sign that the world is going to hell in a hand basket.

· · Also today, the first online "Back the Net" rally was held in order to boost appreciation for beleaguered dot-coms, the Associated Press reported. Organizers encouraged people to buy shares in their favorite online company and donate online to charity, which--when you ponder it--are really the same thing.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4 What's a week without a little weird meat in the news? Two people have been arrested in the Moldovan capital, Chisinau, on suspicion of selling human remains from a hospital as dog meat, Reuters reported today. "The question is how human body parts left over from operations at a cancer clinic somehow ended up being sold on the street," said Tudor Suveica, a Chisinau prosecutor, in televised comments. Police in the impoverished eastern European country believe the remains had been dumped in a municipal litter bin near the hospital, which beggars then rummaged through. Hmmm... does this dog taste sorta funny to you?

· · Also today, the dog formerly owned by Anastasia Solovieva King, slain mail-order bride from the impoverished nation of Kyrgyzstan, found a new home, the Associated Press reported. The body of 20-year-old King was found on December 28 in a shallow grave north of Seattle. When King's American husband was arrested in connection with the slaying, the two-year-old dog was left to fend for himself. Mook, a 55-pound black-brindle Akita mix with a floppy ear, was adopted Saturday by Teresa Carey, just days before he was to be put to sleep. Carey said she had seen a story about Mook on television last week: "In the last minutes of [King's] life, I could imagine her thinking, 'Who's going to take care of my beloved dog?'"

· · Also today, while Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan destroyed two immense statues of Buddha, art historians in the neighboring Muslim country of Tajikistan were meticulously restoring a huge reclining Buddha from the same era, Reuters reported. Like its Afghan cousins, Tajikistan's "Buddha in Nirvana" is enormous: 42 feet long and nine feet high. With this restoration, Tajik officials are striving to draw a sharp distinction between their country and Afghanistan, where the ruling Taliban militia has been, like, totally ruining Islam for everybody else.

THURSDAY, APRIL 5 A 16-year-old boy who was barred from wearing a sweatshirt bearing the words "Straight Pride" to a suburban school near Minneapolis has filed suit, arguing that his free-speech rights were violated, Reuters reported. The mother of student Elliot Chambers said on Wednesday that her son's First Amendment right to free speech was "trampled on" when Woodbury High School forbade him from wearing the sweatshirt, which depicts male and female stick figures holding hands. Representing Chambers in the suit is the American Family Association Center for Law and Policy, a Tupelo, Mississippi-based group that says on its website that it is opposed to "the radical homosexual agenda." Last Days wonders why boring straight people want so badly to dress like boring queer people? What's next? Frat boys in hot pants?

FRIDAY, APRIL 6 A homeless man shouting about God attacked the 249-year-old Liberty Bell with a hammer in front of a group of astonished tourists, Reuters reported. The suspect, identified as Mitchell Allen Guilliatt, was wrestled to the ground and arrested inside the small glass Liberty Bell pavilion near Independence Hall. Park officials said Guilliatt, dressed in several layers of clothing and carrying a guitar and bamboo pole, was part of a regular public tour that had just ended when he withdrew a small hammer from his jacket. The pavilion was closed for about three hours while preservationists examined several blemishes and hammer imprints left by the attack. A National Park Service spokesman said the last time the Liberty Bell was attacked was in the early 1970s, when an inspired percussionist was arrested for beating it with a car's tailpipe.

SATURDAY, APRIL 7 Police investigated reports that pupils at a Cincinnati elementary school were swapping sexual favors for soda and candy, Reuters reported. The allegations surfaced this week when a fifth-grade girl at Mount Airy Elementary School told the principal that at least five other girls and 15 boys were involved in sexual activity in school closets and other secluded places, according to school district spokeswoman Janet Walsh. The girls allegedly received soda, snacks, and some jewelry in exchange for performing sexual acts, the fifth-grader said. Finally, the schools are teaching our children skills they can really use.

SUNDAY, APRIL 8 Today we walked to the store. Which reminds us, we would like to sincerely thank each and every Hot Tipper who called in with their condolences concerning our stolen van, especially Matt, who actually had his own late-'80s Toyota van "removed by infidels" from in front of his Ballard home just this last January. Though Last Days is always grateful for a brief glimpse of a vast conspiracy, we've grudgingly come to realize that our beloved vehicle was probably not spirited away by aliens or a crackerjack team of disgruntled lovers. Any dumbass who knew that any car key--hell, even a freakin' pointed stick--would start the damn thing could have driven it off into the sunset. Aww, who cares? The moon was as bright as a bulb; the cool breeze smelled of warming earth and opening flowers; and we weren't dead. Who could ask for anything more?

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