June 26, 2009

Pullout

Michael Jackson Moved Me

Posthumous Ruminations of One Pissed Angel

by Farrah Fawcett

Michael Jackson moved me, all right—all the way to page 10D!

Ten fucking D!

You know what? Someone up there—I mean, someone up here—must really hate my fucking guts. Ever since Charlie's Angels, I have struggled to be paid the goddamn respect I deserve. Do you think it's easy propping up the lust of an entire generation with only a one-piece swimsuit and professionally feathered hair? IT IS NOT.

Three years ago, I come down with anal cancer. (ANAL CANCER. I told you someone up here hates my guts.) Anyway, I fight against this fucking disease for three fucking years and hold on as long as I can and seek alternate treatments and go on TV to buck up other cancer victims and amaze my friends with my bravery and tenacity and then my body finally gives out and I die. And while it sucks to be dead, at least I know I'll be memorialized up what's left of my wazoo—AP stories, prominent obituaries, the full Larry King treatment.

BUT NO. Michael Jackson—that freaky little attention whore—has to drop dead on the SAME FUCKING DAY, taking my dreams of posthumous respect with him. He gets the giant, full-color picture on the front page of USA Today. His obit starts on the cover. What do I get? A box on the upper right-hand corner directing people to my obit—which begins on page fucking 10 of section fucking D! And guess what else? There's a box on the upper left-hand corner of USA Today. Who got that box? MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON.

I can't fucking win. Honestly, I would go up and slap the white off that bitch's faces if I could. But I can't. BECAUSE HE'S NOT UP HERE. Someone go tell that to all the weeping fatties who seem to think that a string of hits in the '80s excuses a string of sex crimes in the '90s. That's right, I said it: He raped kids. HE DID IT. You know he did it. And we can say it now because you can't libel the dead, fuckers, and that goes double if the person doing the libeling is dead herself!

Oh, shit. Gotta run. Aaron Spelling just saw me. How the fuck did he get in here? recommended

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Comments (12) RSS

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1
Who wrote this? I'm guessing Lindy by the LIBERAL use of CAPS. Thought you had more class than this.
Posted by Oh my god the Stranger sux these daze on June 26, 2009 at 11:42 PM · Report
2
I'm French, and this looks smart, class and funny to us.
Posted by Ryan Erevan on June 27, 2009 at 2:14 AM · Report
3
Whoever wrote this is my favorite!
Posted by ding dong the paedo's dead on June 27, 2009 at 3:13 AM · Report
4
Whoever wrote this is my favorite!
Posted by ding dong the paedo's dead on June 27, 2009 at 3:13 AM · Report
attitude devant 5
Oh god, you KNOW it's true!
Posted by attitude devant on June 27, 2009 at 7:34 AM · Report
6
There's no evidence Farrah was some kind of megalomaniac obsessed with fame or anything. If you're not a fan of hers, cool, either was I. But disrespecting somebody who just died of cancer right after they died is not only distasteful, but kinda just makes YOU look like the one who's the attention seeking whore!
I love insult comics and sarcastic humor as much as the next guy, but everyone needs to have an asshole line they don't cross. You probably think you're just sooo punk rock, huh? Humorless twit...
Grow up, get some class and stop picking the corpses of people you don't know like a journalistic vulture! Asshole...
Posted by aquanaut37 on June 27, 2009 at 9:41 AM · Report
7
@ 6, get a sense of humor will ya? This does NOT cross the asshole line. Only some uptight asshole thinks it does.
Posted by Don't be a humorless chump on June 27, 2009 at 12:48 PM · Report
8
It's the Stranger, folks.
If you're not being a total douche to someone, it's NOT FUNNY.
Posted by Casual_Observer on June 27, 2009 at 2:25 PM · Report
9
If you're going to be a total douche and make fun of an old lady painfully dying of anal cancer, it better be witty and funny at least, that's all I'm saying.

It reads like something you'd find crumpled up in a wastepaper basket in the offices of TMZ.

Posted by aquanaut37 on June 29, 2009 at 5:15 PM · Report
10
You know, Farrah, black men beat white women to the vote, to Congress, to the presidency. Get used to it -- eternity is hell.
Posted by idaho on June 30, 2009 at 11:56 PM · Report
gore138 11
I was just thinking this, as much as I love Mikey, couldn't he have waited a week (shit, a day) to overdose??? Taking away all your lime light, I didn't even know you died until the next day! I LOVE YOU FERRAH!

And #10, Would he reeeeally be considered a black male? Come on now!
Posted by gore138 on July 1, 2009 at 9:53 AM · Report
12
I couldn't care less about Farrah's death--sorry; it's sad but people die all the time from cancer, and her work means nothing to me.

But I get that her family must be cursing to themselves the coincidence of MJ's death, so I get where this article was trying to go.. until I read the part about Michael raping kids. HOW COULD YOU WRITE THAT!? I'm sorry, but he DIDN'T. Did you watch the trial on TV with that little lying brat and the money-hungry mother? They were money-sucking dirtbags.
Sure, Michael was a little strange and wished he was still a child (or wanted to make all children happy, because he wasn't, or something...) but I resent you saying he did something wrong as fact. ACQUITTED!!!!!
I find it ridiculous that every media outlet has something interesting and new to say about Michael or his death, and I come to the Stranger online and all of its articles just pisses me off. And THIS is supposed to be the best Seattle has to offer!? Guess not.
Posted by SaraJean on July 6, 2009 at 2:08 AM · Report

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