Dear Reverend Buddy: The Bible says whoever commits adultery in his mind is guilty of adultery, right? I watch a lot of porn, and I would love to be able to tell my friends I've, like, ACTUALLY BANGED about 700 porn stars.
——Stay loose, Zak

Congratulations! According to Matthew 5:28, you have "actually banged" 700 porn stars. And according to Matthew 5:29, you should cut off your penis: "It is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body be cast into hell." If you do not wish to be dragged into the Outer Darkness by a white-hot cock ring, you must sever your sin wand.

Dear Editors: It would be great if you guys could do a story on how 107.7 The End gave up a show (The Morning Alternative) that gave so much love to local music for Adam Carolla who couldn't give a shit. PLEASE consider this.
—Thanks, Phil Trickbu

Hello, Phil. After executing your story request (see page 23), the editors passed your query to me. Matthew 5:43 says "love thy neighbor" not "love thy syndicated jackass." And does Deuteronomy 20:13 command us to suffer invaders? No, it says "smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword." Get thee to 1100 Olive Way, give them a Mourning Alternative, and "save alive nothing that breatheth." Amen.