Hey! Are you new here? Welcome. Have a seat. Don't sit there, it's wet, sit there. Would you like anything? We don't have that. Would you like something else? Would you like some weed? We have plenty of weed.
One more question: Who are you again?
Just to make things clear, it's not like the rest of us aren't happy you're here. We're happy you're here. Ish. Happy-ish. We're not super happy about what's happening to our rents, but we're happy that we're a bigger city than Boston now, because of you. (Fuck Boston.) We're happy to be going to the Super Bowl. (Once again: Fuck Boston.) We're happy you chose Seattle over all the other places you could have chosen, but it's not exactly like we're surprised, because all of us chose Seattle, too. Seattle is better than other places. FACT. We're also happy you're here because everyone currently living here who's single was just going, 'God, we could really use some new people to choose from.' The dating pool was getting gnarly. Please have sex with as many of us as you can.
Now, as to your questions. "Oooh, the Seattle Freeze—what do you do about the Seattle Freeze!?" Please stop asking this question. Kindly click here and stop asking us this question.
As for, "Oooh, I don't know how to find restaurants on my own! Tell me food secrets only locals know!" That's a reasonable request. Pro tip: Angela Garbes, who is hilarious, writes about eating out in the city every damn week in The Stranger, and all the damn time on Slog, our blog (slog.thestranger.com), and she's gone ahead and written down some foodie secrets only locals know here. Read it, memorize it, and then keep everything you learn secret from the next wave of newcomers.
As for "What tourist things should I do?" We, uh... We had no idea, either, so we sent Sean Nelson, who's lived here for 23 years, to all those places, and he recommends the Underground Tour. He also has some tips on the Space Needle, Smith Tower, Pike Place Market, Fremont Troll, and Ride the Ducks here.
As for facts about Seattle music that only locals know, Emily Nokes has you covered. She includes a drawing of the bench by Kurt Cobain's house and a mention of Ben Gibbard's favorite Thai place.
As for what that new Starbucks palace is on Pike Street... we actually have no idea what that thing is. It's like 10 minutes old. So we sent one of our staff writers inside to find out. Key finding: $150 aprons. See here.
For those of you who just want to bitch and moan about how California is better than Seattle, or how New York City is better than Seattle, or how Vienna is better than Seattle, or how Spokane is better than Seattle, we have you covered, there, too. (Spoiler alert: Not even the person from Spokane thinks Spokane is better than Seattle.)
A whole bunch of newcomers to the city are living in micro-housing, aka apartments the size of closets, because Seattle is more lenient on developers building apartments the size of closets than any other city in the country, which we're quite proud of, because density is good, and people ought to be able to live in whatever shapes they damn well want to. But what is it like to live in one of those closets? Heidi Groover went and found out.
The other kind of newcomer to the city is living in a brand-new luxury building with a rooftop fire pit and boozy building-wide parties—and 9 times out of 10, this kind of newcomer works for Amazon or Microsoft. Brendan Kiley ascends to that world right here.
And then there are all the newcomers that people aren't writing trend pieces about, like the hundreds of refugees Seattle just welcomed from Iraq. Sydney Brownstone meets a few of them over here.
As for the rules of smoking weed, the reasons you're stuck in traffic, and all the other ins and outs of city and state government, Ansel Herz and Eli Sanders explain it all.
Anyway, welcome! Shop local! Don't forget to have sex with us! 
