BALLARD, WASHINGTON: A sleepy community of geriatric former dock workers and Scrabble enthusiasts. Possibly the last place one would expect a visitation from a higher power... or is it? Meet Mike Miller -- a currently unemployed Ballard resident, whose hobbies include science fiction; raising his two dogs, Tiberius and Kahless; and (since this is Ballard) playing Scrabble. According to his neighbors, Mike is a nice, albeit unremarkable, young man -- or was, until the day something very remarkable occurred.

"So my roommate Tony and I were sitting around watching The Twilight Zone," Mike says from his comfortable Ballard living room, "and on this particular episode there was a Satan-like character named 'Cadwallager.' I never heard the name, so I thought I'd look it up in the dictionary."

Though Mike never found a listing for the demonic "Cadwallager," something even more unusual caught his eye. As he flipped through the listings for the letter "C," he stopped at the word "Catholic," and discovered a large ink smudge -- a smudge which looks exactly like the Virgin Mary herself.

"At first I thought it looked like someone flipping me the bird," Mike replies. "I saw the splotch and said, 'Hey, Tony, lookit! This dictionary's giving me the finger!' and Tony was like, 'OH MY GOD! THAT'S NO FINGER! THAT'S THE VIRGIN MARY!'"

Perhaps to a lapsed Presbyterian (like Mike), the splotch would seem to resemble a gesticulating finger; but to the trained religious eye of Tony (who spent years squirming in Catholic school) and myself (raised a Southern Baptist -- a religion far more challenging than Catholicism), the image is unmistakable. Without a doubt, this IS the Virgin Mary. However, why would our blessed mother from whose unspoiled loins sprang the one true son of God, choose, of all places, Ballard to spread her holy message? And even more importantly, what does her appearance mean?

"Hmmm, that's a good question," Mike muses. "Well, as you know I've been searching for work for a few months now, and... I think this is God's way of telling me to stop looking. Think about it: These types of miracles attract thousands of people! I could potentially have lines around the block. I could sell Madonna coffee mugs, key chains, T-shirts, mouse pads.... This could be God's way of making me some good money!"

When I ask if he would ever consider donating this very important dictionary to, perhaps, the Vatican for further study, Mike is reluctant. "I don't think so," he says. "We use it practically every week for our Scrabble tournaments. Besides, if the Vatican wants a dictionary, they can pick one up for 20 bucks at Costco just like I did!"


The Scientist

Though Mike refuses to submit this discovery to the Church for further investigation, he willingly lets me, an unbiased reporter, borrow the dictionary and subject it to a battery of tests to prove this miracle's obvious authenticity. My first stop: Zymogenetics -- one of Seattle's leading biotech firms, and a lab brimming with some of the country's greatest scientific minds. One of these minds rests in the head of Virginia Mugford, a scientist who specializes in analyzing DNA. Her degrees in biochemistry and molecular biology, as well as over 10 years of biotechnology industry experience, make her uniquely qualified to render a fair and reasonable judgment of this case. Inside her lab, among tables filled with bubbling test tubes and weird, pinging machinery, Virginia agrees to examine this holy splotch. What follows is an exact transcript of our discussion.

Virginia (examining the splotch): It looks like an octopus wearing a robe.

The Stranger: No... see, it's the Virgin Mary. There's her head, and that thingy in the middle is her hands.

Hmmmm... I don't know if I would say I see that.

Okay, but you would agree that this splotch was probably caused by the blood of Christ.

Visually, I would have to say no -- the color index of the stain does not appear to fall within the "red" range of the spectrum. It looks more like graphite -- possibly an amateurish pencil sketch?

Really? Well, okay. Whatever. So ruling out "the blood of Christ," what else do you think it could be?

Well, maybe old blood looks like graphite, so I can't completely rule it out on a visual test alone. I could do a determination of whether it was made of human genomic material. But I would need a sample of the splotch that hasn't been touched by too many people.

Apparently, the owners use the book a lot during their Scrabble tourneys.

I see. So going on the assumption that Christ was Jewish, were any of these people who touched the picture Jewish?

Hmm... one was a Catholic.

No... you don't understand. See, we could take a sample and look for genomic markers that are present in the Jewish population, and if Christ were Jewish, then we would pick up those markers.

And that would make the Virgin Mary Jewish too, right?

(Pause) Well... yes. You're not Jewish unless your mother's Jewish.

Oh... right. I knew that. Right on. Right on. (Pause) Hey! That's a great test! 'Cause we could prove at the same time that it's not an octopus!

Yes, if I had any octopus DNA... sure, I could do that. Of course, the first test we'd need to do is some carbon dating to see how old it is.

Save your money. The guy bought it three years ago at Costco.

Okay... but if it's actually the blood of Christ, that would be somewhat older than three years, don't you think?

Oh. Yeah. Right. Hey! You actually know what you're talking about!

Thank you. Then we could do a thin layer chromatography, and separate out the pigments. From that we could determine whether they're the pigments found in blood. I would need to cut a large section for that... at least an inch.

AN INCH??? Jesus, we've got a potential holy relic here! An INCH?? NO WAY.

Well, there's also atomic absorbence spectroscopy where we burn a small sample, and by the emission of colored flames, we could identify what metals were present. For example, if it were blood, it would register a high amount of iron.

How small of a sample?

Five millimeters?

Five MILLIMETERS?? That's more than an inch!

No it isn't.

Look, five millimeters is a lot, and besides -- burning the blood of Christ?? FORGET IT.

Ohh-kayy... how about a PCR?

What's that?

Polymerize chain reaction. Basically you're getting a two-for-one deal here, because we can use Jewish genomic markers to determine whether it's blood, and if it is, if Jesus was Jewish. And all I would need for that is a scraping.

A "scraping?"

Yes, chafe the paper a bit, or maybe wet it.

NO WAY!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

(Pause) Look, Steve. That's all we can do here. If you won't let us take a sample, then all I can give you is a visual test.

Fine -- then that's all I want.

Okay, well if you ask me, this is not the Virgin Mary; this is not the blood of Christ; and what probably happened was that the dictionary's printer dripped some solvent on the paper while cleaning the machinery. And it's just dumb luck that it looks like anything.

(Pause) What religion are you?

I was raised an atheist.

Ha! I thought so.

(Getting up) Right. Now if there are no more questions....

Just one more: Can you get me one of those Zymogenetics pens, or maybe a T-shirt?


The Priest

On a personal note, I find it very sad when scientists are so blinded by their own logic that they cannot see what's right before their eyes -- but screw them, 'cause I got myself a priest. What's required for an actual authentication of a Virgin Mary appearance is someone who at least has a basic knowledge of the ground rules of organized religion (i.e., not a stingy atheist who hordes T-shirts). My next stop takes me to Seattle University, a Jesuit school taught by the finest minds Catholicism has to offer. Father Josef Venker has been a Jesuit for 25 years, and a priest for 12. His impressive resume includes a B.A. in philosophy, an M.A. in spirituality, a master's in divinity, plus TWO degrees in fine arts -- a specialty which would certainly be of use in this case. My first question is this: When a "miracle" is spotted, does the Catholic Church have a special "squad" (like tornado chasers) who mobilize quickly to check out the occurrence?

"Not... really," Father Josef replies. "Basically, this is how it works. Almost every day the Catholic Church receives letters about Virgin Mary appearances; on billboards, pizzas, or sometimes as smoke coming from chimneys. And almost every day, the Church actively ignores them. However, there are some rare instances when so many people travel to witness an occurrence that a traffic problem develops. In that case, the bishop might send someone out to investigate -- just to keep the crowd moving. But to my knowledge, there's never been an apparition in this country that's been proclaimed authentic."

This is a potentially depressing moment in our interview. Further research reveals that of the 21,000 instances of Mary sightings since the days of early Christianity, only seven have been authenticated by the church -- seven which, unfortunately, did not include the 1983 sighting in Clearwater, Florida, when Mary's face was spotted in a Salisbury steak.

"So what you're saying is," I ask rather desperately, "even if you know this blotch is really the Virgin Mary, you can't do anything about it?"

"Right. That's a job for the bishop. But hey, that doesn't mean I can't look at it and tell you what I think."

I decide to ask Father Josef the following thought-provoking question: "Don't you consider it thought-provoking that the Virgin Mary is choosing to increase her visits as the millennium approaches?"

"Actually," Father Josef replies, "I don't believe in the millennium. I think it's a completely arbitrary date that just happens to come about because we're operating off a base-10 mathematical system. In the natural world, there's no such thing as a 'millennium.' See, this is just another reason for people to get distracted from life's real issues. If you put all your energy into something that's bullshit, you can't concentrate on the hard work the gospel asks you to do: Feed the hungry, house the homeless, and clothe the naked -- things the Catholic Church and other religions have been trying to do all along. Getting hung up on these peripheral things? It's self-inflicted subterfuge."

Wow, I think to myself. I can't believe the priest just said "bullshit." I quickly change the subject by asking Father Josef to look at the splotch and tell me what he thinks.

"Okay," he says, and after a moment's examination, he delivers his verdict: "What you've got here is an ink smear on a dictionary."

"It's not made from blood, or burned into the paper by some type of holy flame?" I ask.

"Nope. That's clearly a printing mistake, and since I teach print-making, I know a little about it. My guess is a dab of ink dripped on the press roller, which pushed it down like a squeegee. Look, I'll make one for you...."

Father Josef quickly pulls a ruler and a bottle of ink from his desk. After dropping a dollop of ink on a piece of paper, he slowly pushes it down the page with the straight edge. Disappointingly, the resulting image is almost identical to the smudge in the dictionary.

"But... but..." I stammer, pointing to my Virgin Mary, "This one's right next to the word 'Catholic!'"

"Yeah, and that's another thing. Mary had no concept of herself as a Catholic. If it were real, wouldn't it be under 'J' for Jewish... or maybe 'B' for Blessed Mother... or 'M' for Mary... or 'V' for Virgin...?"

"Okay! Okay! I get the point!" I snap, feeling like I should be listed under 'J' for Jackass.

"Sorry to disappoint you," the Father says soothingly, "but like I said, it's the job of the Church to keep people on track and adhere to the gospel. Hey, and so what if it isn't real? It's still a quaint coincidence, and would be perfect for that Ripley's Believe It or Not! comic you run in the paper. They might even pay you 50 bucks to use it!"


"Miracle" Mike

Returning to Ballard, I deliver the dictionary to Mike, as well as the bad news: He better start looking for work again.

"Hey, no problem," Mike says with a shrug. "I've been thinking about it, and if it were a real miracle, I'd have to readjust all my belief systems."

"How so?" I ask.

"Well, if it were actually Mary, that would mean she's a ghost, and if there's a ghost, that means there's such a thing as a soul, which means there's an afterlife, and probably a God, and... jeez! See? It never stops!"

Regardless, I still feel the need to apologize.

"Really, don't worry about it," he says. "I'll be fine. I've had a lot of good luck, which always beats being skilled or talented."

Maybe a real miracle will be just around the corner, I tell him.

"Whatever," he says. Then, while pointing to his not-really-Mary splotch, he adds, "But if I do get one, I hope it'll be clearer than this. I mean, if God really exists, why doesn't He just tell you what to do? If God came down and told you to do something, you'd do it, right? If some burning bush appeared, and it was speaking to you, you'd either (a) question the quality of your drugs, or (b) bloody well do what He says! So while I appreciate His interest, next time I just wish He'd speak up."

"So anyway..." he says, closing the dictionary, "wanna play some Scrabble?"

O, HOLY SPLOTCH

A MIRACLE

IN BALLARD

Where have all the miracles gone? As we reach the end of yet another century, "miracles" seem to have become as common as chickens who can peck "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on a tiny piano. In this cynical day and age, "miracles" are often dismissed as the deluded scrawlings of drunken biblical authors, or the brain-tumor-induced delirium of trailer park believers. But! Could there possibly be something more to this phenomenon? Could miracles actually be... real?

O, HOLY SPLOTCH

A MIRACLE

IN BALLARD

Where have all the miracles gone? As we reach the end of yet another century, "miracles" seem to have become as common as chickens who can peck "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on a tiny piano. In this cynical day and age, "miracles" are often dismissed as the deluded scrawlings of drunken biblical authors, or the brain-tumor-induced delirium of trailer park believers. But! Could there possibly be something more to this phenomenon? Could miracles actually be... real?