Excuse me. Excuse me.

Eck.

'Scuse.

Me.

Moviemakers, I am confused. This is your movie? Your movie is this? Your movie is Alien Trespass—a painstakingly meticulous reconstruction (at great expense, no doubt) of a 1950s science-fiction B movie, complete with opening newsreel, subhuman special effects, small-town waitresses, a grouchy sheriff who's just two days from retirement (attention, sheriffs: do not put your feet up on the desk and stretch and say, "In two days I'm retired," unless you want some serious alien shit to go down), sassy kids sassing over their malts at the diner ("Cool it, Dickie—it's his job to suck eggs"), and an oozing foam-rubber alien blob? It's basically spending weeks and weeks digitally animating a flying saucer that looks precisely like a cheap model of a flying saucer dangling from a string, and making sure to also include a fucking CGI string, just to make it look extra non-CGIed and crappy.

Sooo... you spent eleventy-bajillion dollars on a facsimile (not a parody) of a thing that, first of all, already exists in about eleventy-trajillion different original incarnations (you know, from the actual 1950s) and second of all, is famous (and beloved) specifically for being super low-budget and shitty? That is what you did? To make money? This intentional re-creation of unintentional hilarity is not just pointless—it is bona fide INSANE.

That's not to say that Alien Trespass is not passably entertaining. We all know that 1957 flows through Eric McCormack's veins instead of blood (have you seen the man's posture?). As a gawkily dashing astrophysicist-turned-earthly-vessel-for-a-dapper-space-cop, McCormack is the leader of an impeccably selected cast. (Wait, dad from The Wonder Years—are you a for-real time traveler?) Everyone is shiny, everything is Formica, and the whole thing presents a reasonable reconstruction of a big, greasy B-movie ham. Animatronic ham. Hamimatronic. Whatever.

Alien Trespass makes me feel like this: "Hey, guess what, America? It's me, Dr. Scientist. Through long years of diligent, expensive hard work, I've discovered how to create synthetic feces. Yes! Almost indistinguishable from real feces! The only difference is that it cost a million dollars instead of just coming out of your butt for free." Yes, Dr. Scientist, but that's still just poop in your hand. It's poop. Poop.