April 22, 2009

Film

On Screen

Crank 2: Electric Nipple Clamp Boogaloo

by Paul Constant

Hey! What's going on? That's the end of the last Crank movie! Oh, man, Jason Statham is totally dead... wait, what? What the fuck? He just blinked? He fell like 30 stories, bounced off a car, and now he's still fucking alive? That is so awesome! Wait, now these Chinese doctors are operating on him in a whorehouse. They just pulled out his heart! Now he's totally dead. Wait! They just set him up with an artificial heart. And now they're going to cut off his "big Amellican cock!" BAM! Jason Statham is on the run!

Wait, I forget: What's Jason Statham's name in this movie? Oh yeah! Chev Chelios! What a stupid name! That's totally fucking awesome! I'm gonna name my son Chev Chelios Constant. Holy shit, that Chinese hooker lady is racist. "No fucky suck!... You want sticky me?... You save my life, you own me long time." Every woman in this movie is a whore. And everyone who's not Chev Chelios is either a "beaner" or an "oriental" (or, alternately, a "slant-eye.") But oh my fucking god! Chev just clamped a jumper cable to his nipple because he needs electricity to survive!

Jesus fucking Christ! They just cut that clean off! Where did he just stick that shotgun? Wait, are those his testicles? Jesus! That's as close to horse porn as you're ever gonna get in an American action movie. Why is Chev Chelios whistling along with the soundtrack? What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Every time anybody starts explaining anything, Chev Chelios starts to drop dead. Tits! Tits! Tits! Oh my God, oh my God, I think I just went blind for a second. No, wait—the screen went black. I don't even know what's going on. Gunfight! Never mind. This is clearly the most pure action movie ever. It's like if Michael Bay and John Waters had breakup sex and made a little ADD baby who hated humanity. Awesome! Awesome! Where are my wraparound mirrored sunglasses?

...I'm horny. recommended

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Comments (27) RSS

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1
Best... movie... review... ever...
Posted by Big Sven on April 22, 2009 at 3:57 PM · Report
2
bing fucking crosby.

this was possibly the greatest movie i've ever seen and you summed it up perfectly! can't wait for crank 3!
Posted by ingopixel on April 22, 2009 at 4:00 PM · Report
3
That's what I expected. I saw the previews for this while waiting for "I Love You, Man" to begin. I felt schizophrenic.
Posted by Shelby on April 22, 2009 at 4:05 PM · Report
4
This brings a tear to my eye. If only someday, I could get paid to write movie reviews that aren't really reviews in the technical sense.

You're living the American dream, Paul.
Posted by iflurry on April 22, 2009 at 4:09 PM · Report
5
I want this movie inside me NOW.
Posted by gloomy gus on April 22, 2009 at 4:25 PM · Report
6
30 stories? If I recall, he practically fell from outer space.
Posted by Mr. Poe on April 22, 2009 at 4:30 PM · Report
7
I was bored enough to try to watch this online yesterday, and I only made it in about ten minutes or so, when Statham is wandering around shooting Chinese, uh, gangsters? henchmen?

What does it say about my level of ADD that this movie bored me?
Posted by may need help on April 22, 2009 at 5:00 PM · Report
8
Wait a minute! I am confused! How can Statham has a "big Amellican cock?" He's a Yankee imperialist!

I'm sensing there were some problems on the verisimilitude front with this movie.
Posted by TVDinner on April 22, 2009 at 6:46 PM · Report
9
@TVDinner not to mention that he's the only white, English man in an all latino crime syndicate in LA.
Posted by ingopixel on April 22, 2009 at 7:15 PM · Report
10
Heh, heh . . .

This thing is a Rorschach test. Is it a pan? A rave? Depends on your preconceptions.

This qualifies as an "only in a motel room while traveling and the alternative is sitcom reruns" movie, but I have to admire how game Jason Statham is for such tripe. I hope he's filthy fucking rich.

ingopixel--Will you feel violated if I use the expression "Bing Fucking Crosby" every day for the rest of my life? I enjoy the sound of it so very much . . .
Posted by thelyamhound on April 22, 2009 at 7:23 PM · Report
11
I will see this movie, just based on this review alone. I will see it and I will love it. The same way I loved and adored films like Transporter and Shoot'em Up.
Posted by au gout on April 22, 2009 at 9:37 PM · Report
12
you forgot the part where they turn into godzilla monsters from the '70's and fight. also corey haim.
Posted by G$ on April 23, 2009 at 5:57 AM · Report
13
He actually blinks at the end of the first movie too. Awesome.
Posted by Gloria on April 23, 2009 at 7:14 AM · Report
14
I really can't wait to see this movie, especially after reading this amazing review.
Posted by RobotRevolution on April 23, 2009 at 8:25 AM · Report
15
I just realized I may have sounded sarcastic in my last comment. I honestly mean it: this review was awesome and I can't wait to see the sequel to one of the best run-n-gun action movies made this decade.
Posted by RobotRevolution on April 23, 2009 at 8:26 AM · Report
16
YES. YES. YES. YES.
Posted by Christin on April 23, 2009 at 11:15 AM · Report
17
You've provided the film's publicists with so many good pull-quotes! I'm looking forward to seeing ads for it saying "Tits! Tits! Tits! --Paul Constant, The Stranger" right below whatever rave Peter Travers gave them.
Posted by Princess Sparkle Pony on April 23, 2009 at 12:31 PM · Report
18
For the love of God, people, see it at the Cinerama. It will BLOW YOUR ASS OUT WITH LOLZ.
Posted by Evan Stewart on April 23, 2009 at 2:03 PM · Report
19
I feel like we should pass a constitutional amendment banning Jason Statham from ever wearing a shirt. Perhaps we could sneak in a section that requires him to fuck me at least three times a week too.

Now that's a constitutional amendment I could really get behind... Under... On top of... Bent over the arm of my sofa...
Posted by Queen of Sleaze on April 23, 2009 at 7:15 PM · Report
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21 Comment Pulled
22
I'm horny after just reading this review...
Posted by spklpony on April 26, 2009 at 2:23 PM · Report
23
favorite bea arthur memory?
Posted by rilohburgee on April 28, 2009 at 4:44 PM · Report
24
That was fuckin'..er... friggin' hilarious!
Posted by thepoetryman on April 28, 2009 at 11:42 PM · Report
25
I was actually felt embarrassed for Statham after this movie ended. The scene showing him fucking in the middle of the race track made me loose whatever respect I had for him as a anglo Bruce Lee.

I don't even want to think about what kind of mentality the producers were shooting for that might appreciate this movie.
Posted by dsmith on April 29, 2009 at 4:11 AM · Report
26
that is by far the funniest movie review i've ever, ever read
Posted by aaawyeah on April 29, 2009 at 10:43 AM · Report
27
This is the best movie review I have ever read in my life. Ever.
Posted by moo on May 2, 2009 at 8:57 PM · Report

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