Layer Cake
dir. Matthew Vaughn
Opens Fri May 27.

Once one of the most dependable fixes in cinema, the British crime genre has taken some serious hits lately, with the no-nonsense grit of The Long Good Friday and Get Carter giving way to sub-Tarantinoid flash. Thankfully, the proudly retro Layer Cake serves as a sharp reminder of the gory glory days.

Based on screenwriter J. J. Connolly's cult novel, the narrative follows a nameless, square-shooting smack dealer (Daniel Craig) as he attempts to beat the odds and gracefully withdraw from the thug life. Things run awry, however, when the blowback from a failed Ecstasy deal attracts the attention of both the local Mr. Big (Michael Gambon), and the crazed Serbian mob. The shite quickly piles up.

The one-day-from retirement premise may draw cobwebs, but is given a new polish by director Vaughn's no-nonsense delivery and, especially, Craig's masterfully underplayed turn as a dapper businessman who is ultimately just smart enough to royally frig himself up. Of all the actors to attempt the patented McQueen cool (and haircut), he comes perhaps the closest to genuinely pulling it off. ANDREW WRIGHT

3-Iron
dir. Kim Ki-duk
Opens Fri May 27.

Kim Ki-duk's 3-Iron will either break your heart or leave you frustrated and annoyed. Ain't love grand?

The story involves a wanderer named Tae-suk (Jae Hee) who spends his evenings sneaking into homes while their owners are on vacation (he leaves fliers along neighborhood doorknobs the night before, then returns to see which ones are missing). Tae-suk isn't interested in theft, however-he'd much rather tidy up, giving the family a clean home to arrive back to, and giving himself a chance to live a wholly different life for at least a couple of nights.

On one break-in, Tae-suk stumbles across a former model named Sun-hwa (Lee Seung-yeon) who lives in a posh pad with her abusive husband. While the two find they have an immediate attraction to each other, the early rounds of their relationship are timid; never speaking to each other, they easily move into the comforts of familiarity that every good relationship provides. Unfortunately, Sun-hwa's husband comes home and Tae-suk, defending his new love, takes to the abusive louse with a handy 3-iron. The silent couple now find themselves on the run.

For romantic types, those who believe, or like to believe, that love is like a fever that springs without warning, 3-Iron may very well bring you to the brink of tears. For cynics, though, it runs the risk of sinking with a thud. Still, take a chance and go see it anyway-if it doesn't thaw that iceberg in your chest like I suspect it will, you can yell at me later. BRADLEY STEINBACHER

Mad Hot Ballroom
dir. Marilyn Agrelo
Opens Fri May 27.

Riding a gargantuan Sundance advance hype wave, this cluttered yet charming documentary, coproduced by Nickelodeon, explores a decade-old program in the New York school system where initially unsuspecting 5th graders are forcibly enlisted to perform the rumba, tango, and waltz for the amusement of their parents and teachers. Shockingly, the presumably rampant cootie epidemic is never addressed.

Focusing on three different schools (TriBeCa, Washington Heights, and Bensonhurst) of varying social strata and dancing ability, director Marilyn Agrelo follows a 10-week period leading up to the final citywide dance-off, with frequent digressions along the way to explore both the thoughts of the mostly enthusiastic kids and their scarily trophy-minded teachers. The levels of overly cute moments are certainly high, but the film also manages to score more than a few interesting points in regards to issues of class and competition. Any viewer who ever brought home a thanks-for-participating, we're-all-winners trophy may feel old, bitter wounds open anew.

In terms of scope, first-time director Agrelo and her writer Amy Sewell may have bitten off a bit more than they can comfortably chew, as their scenes of the actual contest come off as alternately long-winded and confusing. The ability to fashion anything even remotely comprehensible out of hundreds of hours of footage is admirable, but a slightly heavier hand in the editing bay could have worked wonders. Where their efforts ultimately soar, however, is in the rare moments between dances, as the camera is plunked into the corner and made privy to the unscripted and remarkably unselfconscious conversations between the students at home. Crammed around foosball tables and slouching off couches, these kids give off a sense of real life that transcends the mere feel-good. ANDREW WRIGHT

Madagascar
dir. Eric Darnell, Tom McGrath
Opens Fri May 27.

Madagascar is kiddie slop puffed and polished into a Pixar-wannabe sheen. Ben Stiller (unfunny even while animated) is a lion named Alex, the star attraction at the Central Park Zoo. Content to perform several times a day before his adoring fans, Alex has no desire to leave his cozy confines-until his best friend, a zebra named Marty (Chris Rock), hits the road in search of freedom. Cue a lame movie tagline: "Someone's got a zoo loose!" Alex and annoying friends give chase, find Marty, end up on a ship, arrive on the shores of Madagascar, and lessons about the wild vs. captivity, hunger vs. friendship, and how to build a plush tiki bar without opposable thumbs ensue. Too bad none of it is funny in the least.

Actually, I take that back; for all its lackluster content, there are six things funny about Madagascar: four penguins and two chimpanzees. The penguins are a devious lot, successfully partaking in their own military-style zoo-break with the goal of conquering the world, while the chimpanzees are dry Brits who take the opportunity of their unexpected release to make plans to see Tom Wolfe read-then throw feces at him. Both species elevate the film, however briefly, way above its general lameness. BRADLEY STEINBACHER

Ladies in Lavender
dir. Charles Dance
Opens Fri May 27.

At first glance, it may appear that the leading ladies, Dames Maggie Smith and Judi Dench, provide a reason to see this movie about two elderly sisters puttering about in picturesque 1930s Cornwall. In fact, they are the reason you should never see this film. You don't want to pollute your images of these fine actors with this insulting assemblage of implausible vignettes.

In Ladies in Lavender, Maggie Smith is the proper sister Janet, concerned with privacy and appearances. Judi Dench plays Ursula, a fragile little biddy stuck in a permanent state of childish desperation because-this is actually in the script-she's never been properly fucked. They like to garden and knit, and the camera likes to follow gulls as they soar majestically over the beach.

Then, a hot teen boy (Daniel Brühl) washes up on the shore. Ursula goes crazy; Janet huffs and acts a little weird herself (her husband died long ago). The kid doesn't speak a word of English, and there's a brief moment when someone suspects he might be a German spy, but then that tangent trails off, and he's actually a Polish violin prodigy. Luckily, the sexy Franco-Russian girl next door has a famous maestro for a brother, and the movie ends with a rousing concert, which (like everything else in this film) is flimsy and unintentionally sad. ANNIE WAGNER

The Longest Yard
dir. Peter Segal
Opens Fri May 27.

This remake has Adam Sandler playing the role that Burt Reynolds, who is also in the film, played in the original. Reynolds is now the mentor of Sandler, who has fallen from the comfortable world of a former football quarterback to the very bottom of society, prison. Sandler is less a criminal, and more a public nuisance; he drinks too much beer and is mentally and sexually impotent, which is why he steals his glamorous girlfriend's glamorous car and wrecks it.

In prison, Sandler meets Chris Rock, who plays a resourceful convict named Caretaker. The warden of the prison, the prolific actor James Cromwell, wants Sandler to assemble a team of convicts that can adequately challenge his semi-pro team of guards. Like all Texans, the warden is of the opinion that the two most important things in the world are God and football. Sandler is forced into doing the impossible: transforming a bunch of criminals and madmen into noble athletes.

Sandler is never funny, Rock is sometimes funny, Nelly (the rapper) is very funny (not intentionally, however), and Burt Reynolds is always sad. You can tell he doesn't want to be in this picture, that he has better things to do with what remains of his life (he'll soon turn 70)-but there he is, on the sidelines of this remake, watching the stupid game, and watching what amounts to a mockery of the powerfully handsome man he was 30 years ago. CHARLES MUDEDE