Our hosts are celebrating their birthdays, so they're throwing a Piradonkamonkacorn party. There's a guy in a Santa suit talking to a man in a sombrero over by DJ Broadus and the strobe light, but most of the celebrants are wearing an eye patch or head scarf or hook hand, presumably in honor of the horrible sequel to the horrible sequel to the surprisingly fun pirate movie that came out a few years ago. I missed the band—the Dumpster Hoodlums played a trash-pop set including "The Make-Out Song," which inspired everyone in the basement to make out. "It worked so well that we played it twice," explains a Hoodlum.

I chat with a woman in fairy wings who's writing a novel, but there are a lot of distractions. The man in the sombrero runs out into the backyard in search of the barbecue that went cold hours before. Instead, he staggers into some bushes and passes out for a minute. When people in the house start shouting his name, he bursts out of the bushes, his pants around his knees, and runs backward across the yard and through the house, mooning every single person at the party.

In other nudity, two women are making out on a couch. Soon enough, they've torn each other's shirts off and partyers are throwing blankets on top of the topless, humpy couple. "She's my best friend, but I just don't want to see that," someone explains. People are swaying and singing and falling onto each other, but they make awful pirates—they just can't keep their booty hidden.

Want The Stranger to overhear the drunken exclamation: "I can't make out with you, you're my sister!" at your house party? E-mail the date, place, time, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.