Tools
"Douce France, Cher pays de mon enfance, Bercée de tendre insouciance, Je t'ai gardé dans mon coeur!" --Charles Trenet
Stranger Personals
Le Poète Incompris/Ballard/Fri Dec 15/5:55 pm: The manager of a greasy yet great American institution informed police authorities about verbal threats made by an undesirable patron referred to as an "[all too] frequent troublemaker." When asked to leave the premises, the suspect allegedly replied in these blunt terms: "How about I knock all your teeth out?" None too pleased, the victim explained to l'insolent he would then be forced to call the police. Sentant le roussi, the suspect à la verve fleurie headed toward the door, while emphatically repeating, "How about I knock all your teeth out?" Upon arrival, Officer Jones immediately identified the man wearing a leather coat with military signs all over it as the "frequent troublemaker." When questioned about the alleged threats to punch the victim's teeth out, the "obviously drunk" suspect replied, "I was kidding." To Officer Jones' immense surprise and the victim's great dismay, the suspect did not have any outstanding warrants. Feeling it was his duty to do something about this "frequent troublemaker," Officer Jones issued a "trespass admonishment."
L'Arme :tait en Plastique/Northgate/Sun Dec 17/2:25 pm: Today, Officers Tietjen and his partner were dispatched to Northgate to investigate a pen assault. Upon arrival, the officers met with the 23-year-old victim of the odious crime, and he explained that his former roommate was the "fucking offender." This is how the story went: They had shared the same room for approximately a month, but because of big differences, they had separated just last week. Today, the victim was outside enjoying a cigarette when his former roommate approached him and asked for a cigarette. The victim refused to faire obole, which led the ex-roommate to walk away. But the ex-roommate suddenly stopped and readdressed his desire for a "smoke." Offered another negative answer, the disgruntled roommate replied, "Okay, blackie," and, after exchanging a few more heated but less racial words, stabbed the smoker's chest with a plastic pen. The smoker then grabbed his attacker, threw him up against a wall, and asked, "What the fuck are you doing?" Tout penaud, the pen-packing "whitey" apologized and left. Officers checked the victim's chest for any visible injuries or possible marks but did not find any. However they both observed a hole in the victim's sweatshirt.
Esprits Frappeurs/Rainier Valley/Tues Dec 19/12:30 am to 4 pm: This afternoon, the manager of an apartment building in Rainier Valley called police to report that his female tenant was suffering from a mysterious face injury. This was her story: She went to bed at 12:30 am last night, and woke up this afternoon on the floor between her bed and the dresser. As if this weren't enough, her left eye was badly bruised and swollen, and she discovered multiple abrasions on her forehead. She did not remember being hit by anyone nor did she have the slightest idea how she got injured. The building manager added that the victim had repeatedly complained--for the past two years!--that "someone had been going into her apartment." En bon Samaritain, this kind-hearted man stated he even "changed her locks" and in spite of this act of noble mansuétude, "she still made the same [goddamn] complaint." As far as he was concerned, he "didn't believe anyone had been going into her apartment." Aurait-on affaire à des esprits frappeurs? Officer McRae arrived at the spooky scene shortly after the call, evaluated the victim, and then transported her to Harborview Medical Center. He conscientiously concluded this report, which he appropriately classified under "suspicious circumstances," with this observation: "There were no signs of forced entry and the apartment did not appear to be disturbed."
Police Beat guest Natacha Polaert is from Paris.
RSS
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (0)