Previously in New Column!

You Guys Suck

After receiving countless complaints about our flawlessly brilliant "Stupid, Stupid" column series (including "Stupid, Stupid Baby," "Stupid, Stupid Kitten," and "Stupid, Stupid Crouton"), we issued our readers a challenge: Come up with a column worth a rat's ass and we'll run it -- and pay you $25. Eagerly we awaited our gifted readers' pearls of wit and wisdom, but as the responses poured in, we were forced to concede that you guys suck.

A few words on the "New Column!" criteria: Any entry that did not include the exclamation point after the words "New Column" was automatically disqualified; if you do'nt have respect for punctuation, you got no place at The Stranger. Same goes for all entries employing the phrase "Stupid, Stupid" anything -- if we wanted more of those, we would've written them ourselves. Lastly, any entry involving poetry and/or the inherent hilarity of adding the words "in bed!" to the phrase found inside a fortune cookie was instantly ground to dust.

You'd think that out of nearly 200 responses we'd find at least one winner, but even the "best" of readers' pitches made our worst ideas ("Hairy, Hairy Ass Crack," "Sexy, Sexy Five-Year-Old") look like masterpieces of sass and style. And while Stranger staffers are traditionally a self-hating lot, after reading the crap you guys sent in, we're all strutting around like a bunch of Pulitzer Prize-winning swells. Thanks for the strokes!

In closing, we'd like to acknowledge that although we found no workable columns, we did find a small handful of near-misses, including Leah Weathersby's insightful "Freddie Prinze Is No Kirk Cameron," Johnny B's poignant "Dead," Matthew Pidgeon's creepy photos of embalmed baby animals, and Scott Lamb's passionate celebration of fire, "Christ! That Fucking Burns!" Our congratulations to these promising young upstarts, who will be splitting the $25 cash prize.

Dear Furious Vegetarian:

What ever happened to Carnie Wilson? She was my favorite member of Wilson Phillips, the talented trio whose hit song "Hold On" took them to the top of the charts in the early '90s. The other two girls may have had models' figures, but Carnie had soul. I loved her talk show a few years back. What's she been up to since then?

-- Trisha Wharton, Ames Lake, WA

Dear Trisha:

Eating meat is wrong. It perpetuates violence against all living things; it makes people fat and stupid; and it depletes our natural resources. Did you know that the amount of grain fed to a single beef cow is enough to feed every orphan in America for four weeks? Of course not. You're too busy listening to Wilson Phillips and eating bloody, murderous meat. As for Carnie "Carnivore" Wilson, she recently recorded a duet with fellow meat-nazi James Ingram for the soundtrack of Cats Don't Dance, a film I will certainly picket, as cats most certainly do dance, and are our equals in every way. In August, Carnie had her big, fat, meat-packed stomach surgically stapled, with footage of the operation broadcast live on the Internet -- something that should happen to every meat-eating monster in America, right before they're herded up and shipped off to the slaughterhouse, where they will be butchered like the innocent animals they all hate so much.

P.S. Boycott The Stranger.

SAVE OUR KINGDOME!

It has come to the attention of The Stranger that a radical group of Maryland-based extremists is planning to blow up a local landmark sometime on or around March 26. Although Seattle has not fully recovered from the damage done to our city and our civic pride during the World Trade Organization conference -- damage inflicted by a small group of Oregon-based extremists -- we must meet this new challenge head-on. We must let the world know that Seattle's citizens will not let terrorists or fear or even bombs ruin our quality of life!

While we can't divulge our sources at this time, a high-ranking member of the Schell administration told The Stranger that police and FBI agents believe the Kingdome is the likely target. When terrorists threatened to blow up the Space Needle on New Year's Eve, Mayor Schell cancelled the Millennial Celebration at Seattle Center, and once again Mayor Schell has decided "to err on the side of caution." On March 26, hundreds of square blocks surrounding the Kingdome will be declared a "restricted area." First "protest-free zones," and now "restricted areas"?!? Apparently Mayor Schell hasn't gotten the message: WHOSE STREETS?! OUR STREETS!!!

If we cave in to terrorists now and allow them to blow up our beloved Kingdome, what will they blow up next? Our beloved downtown library? The Municipal Building?

Citizens! We must stand up to violence -- not just the violence of bombs, but the violence of "restricted areas" and "no-protest zones." We must stand up to out-of-state extremists and fight to save our Kingdome! On Sunday March 26, hundreds of activists, anarchists, and puppeteers will gather in Pioneer Square for a March to Save Our Kingdome. Coffee will be served. We will rally at 7:00 a.m., and the March to Save Our Kingdome kicks off at 8:00 a.m. Please join us. Bring bells, whistles, drums, your passion, your courage, and your heart.