Music

Sound Check

Deranged Clown Rapper Ronald McFondle Diagnosed by Shrink

by Trent Moorman

John P. Dunnigan

RONALD MCFONDLE Doc says his “act seems to be a cry for attention and help.”

As Summer Fest 666 came to a close at the Funhouse, the event's celebrity wet T-shirt "splasher" Ronald McFondle got in the Dumpster next door and shot low-light iPhone porn. His subjects were a stripper named Delyla and a height-challenged Nigerian man with a neon-green gimp ball in his mouth. Olfactory senses close to the scene were reportedly smacked with birth canal, rotten guacamole, and Polo cologne. McFondle is a deranged Seattle clown and rapper who has been dabbling in amateur wrestling and lowbrow shock-value cabaret for seven years. His rapping and music are horrible, obvious, and blocky. And they're supposed to be horrible. It's sociopathic sleaze-niche humor aimed at high and intoxicated people who like violence. But is the humor effective? Is putting fake blood on your fingers and joking about giving women "the Shocker" funny? McFondle is an entertainer, but is he entertaining? Shortly after he exited the Dumpster porn shoot, we spoke. Then a Washington State–licensed psychologist analyzed him.

What are you doing?

Spreading McDiseases to anyone he pleases.

Who is the Nigerian man?

He calls me about once a month and gets me to film him getting banged by women twice his size. He gets me to call him François [laughs]. He has a tattoo on the inside of his bottom lip that says "Sukiyaki" and a grasshopper tattooed right on his underarm. And he pays.

Why are you the way you are?

My parents abandoned me in a Dumpster behind a fast-food restaurant. I grew up eating old french fries and giving drive-through sexual favors for drug money.

Rap for me.

Drugs is good, titties is better/Enough with the questions, just take off your sweater.

Are you worried about offending people? Like women?

I offend more than women, trust me. But who gives a shit? I'm just getting fucked up and having fun. I'm not hurting anyone. It's just jokes.

What's with the blood on your fingers?

I have a bad habit of force-feeding people Shockers. Men, too. Two in the urethra, one in the stink. Want one?

What's an average day in the life of Ronald McFondle?

Yawn, wank, dump, smoke rock, whiskey, get money, pills, boobies, fisting, ride the white horse, public defecation, indecent exposure, county jail.

What are your hopes and dreams?

That in the end, I will have had more good times than bad. That I can continue to meet new people and build more amazing friendships. My dreams are another story. When you eat Adderall and smoke rock as much as I do, then shoot H into your flaccid cock and take roofies to go to sleep, you have crazy dreams. Last night, I was running down a spiraling tunnel with blood running up the walls, naked except for pasties and red eight-inch stiletto heels. I got sucked out and fell into a pool of piss and had to grab a passing turd to not drown.

Are you working on new tracks?

I'm working with DJ Martini. And I'm sure I'll work with Billy the Fridge again soon. I've been working on a country album with Gary Gloryhole.

You're a clown who raps, and you do country? Is it hard to cross over like that?

I'm a performance artist. When I get inspired to do something, I make it happen. Whether it's a wrestling match, a rap song, a country song, a comedy bit, or a snuff film.

What do you think of Dan Savage?

I'm a huge fan. I've read weekly since the late '90s and have been trying to get him to acknowledge my single "Keep Abortion Awesome."

What do you think of the pope?

I wish I could get away with half the sexual depravity as the church. Seriously, the pope and the Catholic Church are archaic institutions the human race needs to evolve past.

What do you do in your downtime?

I am a graphiter in World Extreme Pencil Fighting Championships. Every month at the Re-bar, we have pencil-fighting competitions. A bunch of my crazy-costumed friends and people from the audience compete to see who has the best pencil-fighting techniques. We also do ketamine lines off of girls' titties.

Are you a Juggalo? What do you think of Juggalos?

No. I judge people on a personal basis, not as groups. There are some shitty, retard, inbred Juggalos. Then there are a few really great people in my life who identify as Juggalos. We are all individuals and should be taken as such.

What makes you sad?

When I was about 10 years old, there was a fire at the circus. The blaze went up in an instant. The trapeze act was on, and I watched as every member fell flaming to their death. I made it out of the tent just in time to see the last stragglers run out and burn, with their skin melting. 1,200 died.

What makes you happy?

I was the one who started the fire that day [laughs].

What are your thoughts on the Higgs boson, the "God particle"? The hypothetical elementary particle predicted by the Standard Model? You've got integers and spin quantum numbers and quarks. There was recently a big discovery. They may have just proved how mass is formed.

I would need an eight ball of meth and 48 hours to think about that. Let's get back to talking about me. Fuck quarks. Who wants a Shocker?

What is the Ronald McFondle version of who God is?

I believe in science, not fairy tales. God is a man-made coping mechanism for dealing with how shitty life can be. You ever put a gimp ball in your mouth? That'll help you discover mass.

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Patricia Landers (not her real name) is a Washington State–licensed practicing therapist with a PhD in clinical psychology from the University of Washington and an MA in forensic psychology from Harvard. She reviewed this interview, watched the video for "Pinwheels," and gave the following evaluation:

Ronald McFondle is sociopathic with antisocial personality and borderline psychotic features. He displays narcissistic inclinations with signs of trichotillomania (the involuntary pulling out of hairs—in his case, pubic hairs). His global assessment of function (GAF) score is a 1 on a scale of 0–100. I recommend a course of Haldol and inpatient treatment for substance abuse. His act seems to be a cry for attention and help. Violence, drugs and alcohol, innuendoes of sexual activity with minors, defecation, and prostitution in areas meant for garbage disposal: I don't find this humor to be humorous. Ronald McFondle is not the direction I think we should be going. With help, maybe he could stop with the clown suit and abuse. He would need to learn to love himself. Sorry to be a downer.

Ronald McFondle's response to Landers's evaluation:

Life is hard and full of awful shit. Sounds like Dr. Uptight McPantybunch needs to do a line and a shot and lighten up. If you don't think sexual activity is funny, you've never fucked a clown.