6:00 a.m.: Wake up and go check to see what Super Bowl Santa left you under the tree. The answer is nothing: Super Bowl Santa isn't real. Go back to sleep.
11:20: Wake up. Start the day with a hearty breakfast. Go get a beer from the fridge. Oh shit, there's no beer! Where'd the beer go? Trip over a pile of empty beer bottles. Remember where the beer went. Make a quick trip to Safeway.
11:40: Arrive at Safeway. Realize this won't be a quick trip.
11:54: Grab last 18-pack of Rainier. Punch holes in every can of Coors Light in the store to "send a message." Allow the horrified crowd watching you to determine if the message is an anti-Broncos statement or something broader.
12:43 p.m.: Joke to person next to you in checkout line as you finally approach register, "Man, you'd think there was a hurricane, huh?" Ha-ha-ha.
12:55: Get home. Check pulse. Note elevated heart rate. Drink a beer.
12:57: Check pulse again. Drink another.
1:00: Turn on Super Bowl pregame show.
1:01: Mute Super Bowl pregame show. Remember that Super Bowls are a social situation. Call friend. Offer him nachos. Tell him to bring more beers.
2:36: Friend arrives. Ask him/her if he/she brought nachos. Impress each other with made-up football facts. Drink more beers.
3:25: National anthem time. Unmute TV and stand up for America for once in your damn life.
3:30: Kickoff! The Seahawks typically defer to their opponent, so the Broncos will likely have the first possession of the game. Check pulse. Consult WebMD. Learn you are having a heart attack. Drink more beers.
3:32: First quarter, 14:53, OH GOD PEYTON MANNING HAS THE BALL. WHY DID WE DEFER??
3:33: First quarter, 14:43, Peyton Manning completes pass to Wes Welker. Realize that winning the Super Bowl means beating Peyton Manning. Black out from terror.
5:05: Halftime, come to briefly. See Bruno Mars on television. Make Popeye in Space joke. See game is tied. Black out from terror.
6:45: Fourth quarter, 7:52, come to briefly. See giant talking baby selling car insurance. Black out from terror.
7:35: End of game. The Seahawks will have either won or lost. Regardless of result, yell and cry.
7:55: After losing both your voice and all the moisture in your body, remember that Super Bowls are a social situation. Sprint to Pike/Pine. DO NOT SET CARS ON FIRE. Do drink more beers and offer congratulatory/conciliatory hugs to strangers. DO NOT SET CARS ON FIRE.
8:25: SERIOUSLY, STOP SETTING CARS ON FIRE.
8:45: You didn't listen. Spend night in jail with a rock of nacho-type substance sitting heavy in your stomach. Consider it a metaphor for shame.
Spike Friedman is The Stranger's sports editor... so long as the Seahawks win the Super Bowl. If they don't... well, who can say? Things change. Newsroom budgets are tight these days and The Stranger doesn't really "need" a sports editor. Go Hawks!