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The Different Kinds of People That There Are

A Complete List

The Different Kinds of People That There Are

Top left: Kelly O / others: Mike Wilkes

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People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of "Hobo"

Am I making this up? I feel like every time someone uses the word "hobo" to mean "homeless person," somebody else has to climb waaay up on their high horse and don their semantics cap and start getting highfalutin all over town about how "a hobo is someone who rides the rails in the Great Depression, and is it 1934 right now? I don't think so! And I can't believe you don't even know what words mean. How embarrassing. Have you heard of Wikipedia? Hhhhhhhhhhhhh." Maybe I'm making all of this up, but if I'm not, I'd just like to say that I'm aware of what year it is, and I am going to continue using the word "hobo" however I please (within reasonable homeless- related limits, of course), thank you very much, and the way in which I please to use it is, "No thank you, hobo, I do not wish to go on a date with you." Also I will accept "transient."

People Who Are Mean to Hoboes

Lay off, man. Being homeless is terrible. Give the dude a dollar. (I'm still not going on a date with you, hobo.)

People Who Still Have Jobs

As bad as things are right now, this is still most people. Like, 93 percent of people. People with jobs are great, except for the few who talk shit to people without jobs (things like "Hey, get a job!" or "Where's your job?"). In such instances, these people need to be reminded that they, too, possess jobs vulnerable to layoffs and should probably shut the fuck up.

People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution

You have to hope it's going to be okay. This recession can't go on forever.

People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship

Just do something interesting with it. You already won. Don't be a douche.

People Who Care About "Tweet" Being the Verb Form of "Twitter" and Have Opinions About Its Usage

This includes people who think you should say "tweet" when you talk about the activity associated with Twitter and people who think you should just use the word "Twitter." These opinions are equally uninteresting. If you must use the Twitter, or not use the Twitter, just do it (or don't). Let's not bring grammar and logic and giving a shit into this.

People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns

These people (and they are numerous) are attempting to cultivate a cute quirk, but they are really just aping a cute quirk cultivated by thousands of cute-quirk-cultivators before them in a giant, gross, boring feedback loop. Yes, clowns can be mildly creepy. But come on. Among the many things that are scarier than clowns: fire, earthquakes, a guy with a knife, riding the bus, colon cancer, falling down the stairs (it could happen at any time!), rapists, people who just kind of look a little rapey and are standing too close to you in line at 7-Eleven, Marlo from The Wire, influenza, and scissors.

People Who Don't Watch TV

Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you're fucking talking about. Are we really still having this conversation? Television is a part of the cultural landscape at this point—a lot of it is good. A lot of it is bad, some of which is also good. You know, LIKE ALL THINGS MADE BY HUMANS? Obviously it is also a good idea to go outside once in a while. But the presence of a television in your home does not make that decision for you. You make it. Feel free to still go outside at any time.

People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You're Having

Please, please, please just order your own lasagna.

People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country

Congratulations.

People Who Are into Whimsy

You can't really be mad at people who send away for porcelain figurines of poodles wearing poodle skirts that they saw in the back of PARADE, or who enjoy movies in which impish children attempt to call grandma in heaven on the CB radio. That'd be like punching Helen Keller in the face. These people just want to be left alone with their extremely lifelike baby replicas—small false humans filled with pretend love, that can be asphyxiated with attention and never poop, cry, or grow up to make fun of anyone's stretch pants and doily collection. Forever-babies. (Note: Sometimes people who are into whimsy vote against things like gay marriage. In which case, fuck 'em.)

People Who Complain About the Printed Seattle P-I Going Under Even Though They Never, Ever Used to Read the Seattle P-I

You know what? That's called "heart in the right place." Don't even sweat it.

People Who Are White Who Call Black People "Brothas" When Talking to Other White People, as in, "A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas"

These embarrassing people have lots of black friends and are very comfortable around black people. They also aren't weirded out about being at the gay bar because their ex-girlfriend was bisexual.

People Who Are Old

Notable old people include: Methuselah, George Burns, Andy Rooney, an elephant, Dick Van Dyke, Slade Gorton the senator, Father Time, Slade Gorton the Gorton's fisherman, Chinese people (they kick white people's asses at not dying), John McCain's mom, the old lady who dropped it into the ocean at the end, Harrison Ford.

Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends

Listen, old people. Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love. They only have the capacity to desire croutons. And when you spread infinity croutons across the grass outside MY house, for the purpose of making pigeons love you (WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN), the only result is infinite feces. I now have to walk upon feces-encrusted streets through a feces-encrusted world. Because of you and your delusions of pigeon love. Stop it.

Babies

The opposite of old people. They are like you and me, except smaller, more illiterate, and with less money.

People Who Are Secret Hookers

They're your friends, but they're hookers! Ssssh!

Recession Hookers

No judging. Sometimes these things happen. There but for the grace of writing a bunch of bullshit in the newspaper go I.

People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice

You probably want to hate these people, but why bother? They are absolutely wonderful, and all we can do is deal with it and hope to be charming enough that they will some day mate with us so that our children can absorb some of their impossible magic.

People Who Are Hot Greek Waiters

Once, my sister and I were in a restaurant in Greece, having a fight, and the hot waiter (all waiters in Greece are hot) took one look at our bleak, tear-puffed faces and said, "Ouzo power." He brought us two little glasses of cold, cloudy ouzo, and the ouzo cured our fight.

People Who Smile at You on the Street

It's always nice when any noncreepy stranger smiles at you. There is not enough interstranger smiling going on these days. I also appreciate it when people working in customer service behave in a genuinely nice manner. Thank you. Please enjoy this large tip for your wonderful smile.

People Who Don't Know How to Drink

Sometimes a person forgets to eat dinner, or sometimes they just didn't have time or money, and then they end up at the bar and the only snacks available are Rainier tallboys. And yes, sure, sometimes they grab your beard and tell you, "You are drinking the most successful sausage," even though that's barely even English, and then they lose their keys and have to sleep on your floor, where they wake up utterly bewildered and have to walk back to Capitol Hill and drink a Big Gulp of Sprite for breakfast on a Thursday. Be kind to these people. They mean well.

People Who Are Only Interesting When They're Drunk

This one is a bummer, but it's so much less depressing than its half brother, which is People Who Are Just Boring All the Time.

People Who Believe in Sasquatch

What's that? You couldn't afford your bunion surgery because you spent all your money on Sasquatch detectors? And now your bunion hurts? Bummer. A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that he'd discovered the secret to finding Sasquatch (he's a believer because once, in an Idaho forest, he "heard things" that he "couldn't explain") and called some cryptozoological society to announce his epiphany: "Just find out what it eats, and then go to where that is." He and I, we are not friends anymore.

People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics

Seriously? Either you believe in science or you don't. If you want to say sentences to me like "God made the earth 29 years ago out of Billy Graham's stool" or "Every time you take the morning-after pill, Satan has two orgasms," then go ahead and stay away from Dr. Syringey O'Medicine, MD, from here on out. Because you know that pill that made your strep throat go away? Science invented that. For you. Hey, why don't you just pray for God to take care of that root canal? I'll tell you why: Because God didn't go to dental school, because dental schools don't admit people who DON'T EXIST.

Wizards

Assholes with beards who do magic. In modern times, wizards look just like normal people, because they've learned to wear tracksuits and tuxedos over their robes. This means that wizards could be anywhere. Can you trust the people you work with not to be wizards?

Russians

Citizens of Russia. The sworn enemies of wizards.

Russian Wizards

Don't be ridiculous.

People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting-Board, Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws That Have Been Tramping Around That Shit-Filled Cat Box and I Don't See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You?

Well? Do you? ANSWER THE QUESTION.

People Who Don't Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection

Can a lady get a wave, please? Just a courtesy wave. That's all I ask. These people are under the impression that rules do not apply to them. They do not have to wait their turn because they are special. They are probably the worst people on this entire list, and that includes wizards.

Animals That Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch

These are people who got on the wrong side of a witch. Now they are turkeys and iguanas or some shit, and all they can do is cry (except not really, because emotional tears are a physiological phenomenon unique to humans and possibly camels). Don't loan these people money, because they obviously have bad judgment.

People Who Are Just a Down-to-Earth Guy, Who Enjoys the Little Things in Life Like Going for Walks, Lifting Weights, or Just Doing Whatever (LOL), Whose Friends Would Probably Describe Him as Honest, Truthful, Loyal, Affectionate, Compassionate, and Romanceful, and Is Looking for a Woman Who Is That Rare Combination of Stunning on the Outside and Beautiful on the Inside, and Most Importantly Down to Earth, Enjoys the Little Things in Life, Loves Children, Animals, Has a Passion, Laughter. I Especially Like Asians.

Can we just skip to the part where you gun down everyone in the Taco Bell?

People Who Try to Pretend Like They Already Knew the Story About Jimmy Stewart Smuggling a Yeti Hand out of Nepal in His Wife's Underpants

I do not believe you, unless your name is Jimmy Stewart's Wife's Vagina. And I'm pretty sure Jimmy Stewart's Wife's Vagina doesn't know how to read. So...

People Who Sit at Their Day Jobs All Day Anonymously Posting the Meanest Things They Can Think of in the Comments Sections on Blogs

These people are just mad because they all have herpes of the eyeball. And diarrhea of the heart. But just to save them some time: I am fat; I am a hipster; I am an idiot; this is the most boring, self-indulgent article ever written; I hate everything because I work for The Stranger, and if I ever say anything nice about anything I will be fired immediately because this is the policy; I should be fired right now; why don't I just go write in my LiveJournal; Dear LiveJournal, I am sooo cunty and fat; I am a "hiptard" who thinks that everything not on Capitol Hill is like that space desert in Beetlejuice with the giant sand worms, and I don't want to go there because I can't ride my fixie on the space dunes (and also I don't want to be devoured); anyway, I probably haven't even seen Beetlejuice because I'm too busy FIRING MYSELF FOR BEING FAT; Dan Savage supported the Iraq war; and something about pit bulls.

People Who Are Bill Paxton

I really enjoyed your work in Twister.

People Who Miss the Point

(See also: People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of "Hobo," People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns, People Who Don't Watch TV, People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You're Having, Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends, People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics, People Who Are Bill Paxton, and Babies.)

People Who Don't Miss the Point

I love you. recommended

Find Lindy West every day on Slog, The Stranger's big, beautiful blog.

 

Comments (412) RSS

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1
This was the best thing I've ever read on the stranger.
Posted by I am not being sarcastic on April 1, 2009 at 12:31 PM · Report this
2
You left out "People Who Don't Divide the World into Different Kinds of People", even though those people clearly aren't paying attention. They're out there, though. Probably watching Two and a Half Men.
Posted by breklor on April 1, 2009 at 12:47 PM · Report this
3
I love you too.
Posted by point getter on April 1, 2009 at 12:51 PM · Report this
4
people who type "first"
Posted by slack on April 1, 2009 at 12:59 PM · Report this
5
that shits funny. thanx for making temping bearable. u forgot about people who bite thier nails and stare at the calendar though.
Posted by FreeTIP on April 1, 2009 at 1:01 PM · Report this
6
Dear Fat Hipster,

This is the greatest Stranger article of 2009! Sorry, other Stranger writers. Even though it's only April 1 you've already lost.

Lindy, can I bear your children?

Sincerely,
Evil Clown Recession Hooker
Posted by MarkyC on April 1, 2009 at 1:03 PM · Report this
7
The line "There but for writing a bunch of bullshit in a paper, go I" sums up this piece.
Posted by sign of the times on April 1, 2009 at 1:05 PM · Report this
8
haha amen to the comment about television.

i was a mass communications major in college..obviously tv had to be a major part of my life. doesn't make me a moron. just like listening to npr doesn't make you smart.
Posted by x's as your eyes on April 1, 2009 at 1:07 PM · Report this
9
I *heart* you Lindy West. Really you are just buckets of kittens adorable. Thank you.
Posted by Tina on April 1, 2009 at 1:13 PM · Report this
10
I love you too, young Robert Benchley with boobies.
Posted by gloomy gus on April 1, 2009 at 1:23 PM · Report this
11
Ohmygod, I love you.
Posted by cedarthvader on April 1, 2009 at 1:49 PM · Report this
12
Lindy motherfuckin' West you are my HEROOOOOOOOOO. I bow to your genius.
Posted by Callie on April 1, 2009 at 1:53 PM · Report this
13
You also forgot "People who HAVE to comment on the snow and say how much they're looking forward to moving back to California." So? Move already. And what's wrong with Russian wizards? Have you read the Night Watch series by Sergei Lukyanenko?
Posted by turned the computer on for warmth today on April 1, 2009 at 1:57 PM · Report this
14
I love you. Marry me?
Posted by Sparky on April 1, 2009 at 2:00 PM · Report this
15
That was fucking obnoxious. So you've got some pet peeves. Its worth writing about? Isn't there something more write-worthy going on right now?
Posted by Hhhhhhhhhh on April 1, 2009 at 2:02 PM · Report this
16
You don't ride a fixed gear Lindy...?
Posted by knowitall on April 1, 2009 at 2:02 PM · Report this
17
That was amazing. The part about wizards slayed me. I cannot say with certainty that my coworkers are not wizards.
Posted by hrocket on April 1, 2009 at 2:09 PM · Report this
18
Isn't facebook for shit like this
Posted by Jason on April 1, 2009 at 2:46 PM · Report this
19
Good fucking God that was funny. Lindy, you are the master.
Posted by T Money on April 1, 2009 at 2:55 PM · Report this
20
soooo Seattle, sorry.
Posted by lindy west means well on April 1, 2009 at 3:04 PM · Report this
21
I didn't know you had a beard in addition to being a fat hipster, but if you wrote a column like this every week I'd read it. Who's your boss there? Can't he make this a regular feature?
Posted by The clown one was good on April 1, 2009 at 3:16 PM · Report this
22
Interestingly, the Seattle Times also published a recent article attacking|about people who post comments on blogs. It was the usual "live in their parents basement" aspersion.

Seriously, if you're going to have comments, why complain about what is posted? And if you don't want anonymous posting, why not use Gravitar?
Posted by Gravitar Anyone? on April 1, 2009 at 4:01 PM · Report this
23
Under People Who Are Old, you left out the "of Titanic" after "the old lady who dropped it into the ocean at the end"
Posted by Ianto on April 1, 2009 at 4:16 PM · Report this
24
You earned yourself an open invitation to dinner at my house. There will be cake.
Posted by au gout on April 1, 2009 at 4:16 PM · Report this
25
You've been to Saturn? Hey, I've been to Saturn! Whoa. Sandworms. You hate 'em right? I hate 'em myself.
Posted by Super Jesse on April 1, 2009 at 4:18 PM · Report this
26
Can we stop with the "I love you Lindsys" and "PLEASE bear my children, Lindsy" comments on every piece of drek this woman vomits on a page? Thanks.
Posted by We are not cookie cutter on April 1, 2009 at 4:18 PM · Report this
27
I love you Lindy!

(Suck it Cookie Cutter)
Posted by My Name Here on April 1, 2009 at 4:23 PM · Report this
28
Lindy is my hero.
Posted by Flying Pomeranian Enthusiast on April 1, 2009 at 4:24 PM · Report this
29
This just reminded me of the one thing that I didn't hate about FUCKING SEATTLE! when i ;lived there:
The Stranger!
Thanks
Posted by hatchetface on April 1, 2009 at 4:26 PM · Report this
30
Too bad you had to read all the way to here to see this comment.
Posted by James Early on April 1, 2009 at 4:32 PM · Report this
31
Lindy, I don't need TV. I have you!
Posted by snakes on April 1, 2009 at 4:33 PM · Report this
32
This is one of the best articles I have read. Although I would like to secretly still believe that "People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice" are secretly the devils spawn who only have hate in their hearts.
Posted by stankonit on April 1, 2009 at 4:34 PM · Report this
33
that was fuckin lame..... you don't know how sick i am of reading things that attempt to be witty (and its extremely obvious they're trying) and its just not. stop. and that jimmy stewart yeti smuggling shit was on boingboing a couple weeks ago.
Posted by thesearethese on April 1, 2009 at 4:36 PM · Report this
34
If "Tweet" is the verb, are "Twit" and "Twat" now proper conjugations of it ?
Posted by Stephen on April 1, 2009 at 4:40 PM · Report this
35
Hobo is a fun word which should be used as often as possible. Also, I would happily read any publication cover to cover if it were written entirely by the hilarious and wonderful you.
Posted by Baxter on April 1, 2009 at 4:59 PM · Report this
36
Lindy Lindy Lindy
Lindy all day long
We love Lindy so much
We sing the Lindy Song
HEY!
Posted by The Bailiff on April 1, 2009 at 5:03 PM · Report this
37
Lindy you are awesome. And I'm going to go use the word romanceful somewhere right now.
Posted by beatgrl on April 1, 2009 at 5:20 PM · Report this
38
Amazing.
Posted by Dougsf on April 1, 2009 at 5:41 PM · Report this
39
Yeah, I know i'm that person. I was laughing merrily until I got the part about ppl and evolution. Why do the ppl on the strnager think they are so avant garde and cutting edge when they hate on Christians? FYI, you are doing the same exact things you always accuse Christians of, i.e. puting them in a box, discrimanting against them, etc. Thre are all kinds of Christians and even if we were all fundies we would still have the right to our beliefs and opinions.

p.s.- for the all the bs i know is coming blah blah blah yeah some Christians discrimate, some hatemonger, some are hypocrites. Isn't some of everyone?
Posted by Christians have feelings (and rights) too on April 1, 2009 at 5:51 PM · Report this
40
Fanfuckingtastic.
Posted by Rotten666 on April 1, 2009 at 6:01 PM · Report this
41
Just read the comments. Man, there are a lot of humorless shits out there.
Posted by Rotten666 on April 1, 2009 at 6:06 PM · Report this
42
As always, good stuff, Lindy. I am beginning to think that you and Paul Constant are the reasons I read this blog.
Posted by Horrible Person on April 1, 2009 at 6:13 PM · Report this
43
the bit about TV was stupid.
there are some people who don't watch tv because...they just don't. not because they are "symbolically" trying to make a statement.
in the last ten years, i've owned a tv for only one year. this is because i just like doing other things, is because i'm busy, is because i'm cheap, and is because i don't like the space it takes up and so on and so on.
it's not symbolism.

where's the section in the article about People Who Blather On About The Most Important TV Show EVAR ...and Then Can't Deal...OMG You Haven't SEEN That? You've NEVAR Seen Lost or Battlestar Galactica or 24 or Project Runway blah blah blah...
Posted by onion on April 1, 2009 at 6:16 PM · Report this
44
Lindy, as a token of my creepy Interwebs love for you, I recommend you watch the feast in the movie "Big Night." Seriously... it is really nice.
Posted by Lindy fan on April 1, 2009 at 6:50 PM · Report this
45
I love you, too. That was wonderful.
Posted by MichaelPgh on April 1, 2009 at 6:52 PM · Report this
46
lindy won funniest person in high school. she's also one of the nicest person you'll ever meet. (in other words, that person who is pretty and smart and funny and so super friendly and thoughtful.)
Posted by ishmelda on April 1, 2009 at 7:02 PM · Report this
47
"The Different Kinds of People That There Are" is one of the best headlines that there is.

My only complaint -- and it's a wee one -- is that all of the pictures are of basically The Same Kinds of People, except maybe for the Smoking Man, but the others could easily become him eventually.
Posted by thisscreenname on April 1, 2009 at 7:26 PM · Report this
48
Hey, I AM scared of clowns, it goes back to reading "It" in seventh grade and the subsequent clown nightmares. But you're right, not all of them are scary, how could you not like Krusty?!
Posted by Clown phobia on April 1, 2009 at 7:32 PM · Report this
49
Part of me agrees with you just the slightest bit, and another, much larger part of me thinks that you're a condescending bitch who acts like a fucking hypocrite by dividing up people into one of three groups (lovably dopey, people who make you hot and bothered, and blasphemers who are neither), then subtly dropping hints as to who you should and shouldn't be nice to.

Oh, here's the best part. This is you: "Hi, I'm Lindy West. Here's some people who I like and don't like. Don't bother with the fact that I'm kind of being a bitch by doing this, and the fact that to me, difference of opinion is a nice way of saying that they're beneath me. Really, try to focus on the jokes. Hey, look, here's a joke about a wizard, please try to pay attention to that instead!"

God, shut the fuck UP now and then, please? Every time I turn around there's another Lindy West story that I half-like and half-hate her guts for.

This particular article is one of her most revealing. It's like Lindy West soup: A joke now and then sprinkled on top of rich, chunky self-righteousness and a healthy dose of condescension. How's it feel up on your pedestal? Does it feel good? I bet it does. Go get herpes.
Posted by Alex on April 1, 2009 at 7:33 PM · Report this
50
"Can we just skip to the part where you gun down everyone in the Taco Bell?"

That line made my day. Thank you.
Posted by Eagle Eye Smith on April 1, 2009 at 7:55 PM · Report this
51
My GOD, this was so amazing. Totally made my day. How do I put the way I feel into words? I just can't. I just. Can't.
Posted by catiekat on April 1, 2009 at 8:32 PM · Report this
52
Also, may I remind some people to not take life SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY.
Posted by catiekat on April 1, 2009 at 8:33 PM · Report this
53
I don't watch the teevee. Does that make me not-not-dumb? No! Screw you, all you hipster fatties! SCREW you. So what if you can beat me in Trivial Pursuit.
Posted by rtw on April 1, 2009 at 9:21 PM · Report this
54
oh Lindy, my heart pumps for you and your writing. but i do hate clowns.
Posted by Stephanie on April 1, 2009 at 9:23 PM · Report this
55
I love Lindy West so much.
Posted by Christin on April 1, 2009 at 9:33 PM · Report this
56
i think you try too hard. it must be tiring. but at least you get paid for it.
Posted by milktoast on April 1, 2009 at 9:49 PM · Report this
57
Oh Lindy, your writing is wonderful. Thank you!
Posted by greendyke on April 1, 2009 at 9:56 PM · Report this
58
I laughed out loud! This was funny and entertaining.
Posted by carey on April 1, 2009 at 9:58 PM · Report this
59
I only don't watch TV because I am too neurotic to pay attention to a video for a half hour because oh my god there's so much else I could be doing and I can just watch it on Hulu later and anyway there's nobody to watch it with me and I have to keep up with my Google Reader, and listen if I watch TV, the universe? It's totally going to explode.

Also it keeps people from telling me 'oh you need to watch this one show that everyone else is watching' when I'm just like 'meh, do you want to just get lunch and talk about kittens or something? Some coffee? No?' because I don't want to disappoint anyone so I just pretend I am part of the weird anti-TV movement when really I just don't want to commit to getting into a series, because I am afraid of everything.

But seriously. Getting lunch and talking about kittens. It's the next market trend, I can feel it.
Posted by mason on April 1, 2009 at 10:03 PM · Report this
60
I officially love you, Lindy.

It's true. Why?

"Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you're fucking talking about."

I'm mentally sending you all the Ranier (and breakfast Sprite) you can handle.

Fools go drink the haterade, she is funny.
She is damn funny.

I *heart* LW.
Posted by Bhammer on April 1, 2009 at 10:05 PM · Report this
61
This just made my night! Such truth and comic. LOVE IT!

XOXOXO
Posted by blush photo on April 1, 2009 at 10:15 PM · Report this
62
Dear Lindy West,

A+ piece. Also, I love you too. But please tell Paul Constant that I love him more.

Nothing personal or anything. He's just more my type.

Love, Jocelyn.
Posted by Jocelyn on April 1, 2009 at 10:31 PM · Report this
63
hilarious...made my day way better
Posted by pin-up12 on April 1, 2009 at 10:45 PM · Report this
64
Uhm, Lindy, I love you. I swore off posting for The Stranger for a while--maybe you should add a category of "People who think Dan Savage is racist for blaming Black people for Prop. 8 and therefore pretend not to read The Stranger until Lindy posts the best article ever."

My fav part is about the cats walking across the cutting board with their shitty paws.

You delight me!!!!
Posted by Papayas on April 1, 2009 at 11:06 PM · Report this
65
Lindy, you are quickly replacing Adrian! as the love of my Stranger-influenced life.
Posted by Soupytwist on April 1, 2009 at 11:13 PM · Report this
66
lindy
...you know i heart you too. ? right.. always...
but where IS adrian ?..
just axin..
Posted by reverend dr dj riz on April 2, 2009 at 12:38 AM · Report this
67
I've managed to stay up until 4:30 a.m. and not beat it.
Posted by ah, now 2 tug on April 2, 2009 at 4:27 AM · Report this
68
Stephen: You can use "Twit" and "Twat" only if you are a "Twink".
Posted by Sorry I'm Not Wittier--It's Early on April 2, 2009 at 5:08 AM · Report this
69
Awesome. This article is the reason I'm bookmarking this site, right now.

Matt
Posted by Matthew Glennon on April 2, 2009 at 5:47 AM · Report this
70
you can't hate nambla the clown... he's not scary... unless the acid is just kickin in... but people who wear cat-eye contacts... they is scary... and people who use too many elipses...
Posted by more people on April 2, 2009 at 6:14 AM · Report this
71
i love you too :)
Posted by stranger on April 2, 2009 at 6:20 AM · Report this
72
FINALLY. someone who shares my annoyance at people who say they're afraid of clowns. you expressed my feelings quite accurately. bravo! then again, i'm one of those douchebags who doesn't watch TV... go figure.
Posted by whirlybird on April 2, 2009 at 6:21 AM · Report this
73
Lindy,
You won my heart months ago with "Type 1 Fly-abetes!"
This whole article just confirms it: You're my favorite.
Posted by Fuck Wizards on April 2, 2009 at 6:48 AM · Report this
74
My father always said there are only forty two people in the world. I always thought that was pretty accurate. Your archetypes are much funnier. Thanks for the laugh this morning.
-n
Posted by -n on April 2, 2009 at 7:10 AM · Report this
75
Seriously, this article is made of win and awesome
Posted by venantius on April 2, 2009 at 7:16 AM · Report this
76
Thank you SO much for writing this. Hilarious and brilliant - you're a genius. :)
Posted by groovyuv on April 2, 2009 at 8:04 AM · Report this
77
OK, OK, OK, I know this is starting to get kinda old now, but I just gotta say: I LOVE THIS!!! You and Savage Dan, Lindy! You guys made my day. Lindy, think about this: If you did date a "hobo", could it potentially turn into a "bum lay"? (Sorry--that's an old joke I read in Playboy in the 1950's, I think.) Also, don't forget Bill Paxton was pretty good in that vampire movie, and also in that movie where that old lady throws the jewel in the ocean at the end. I don't watch TV except at other people's houses. Not a political statement, but for almost 20 years I lived beside a lake, in a valley, where reception was almost nonexistent and I was/am too cheap/poor to get cable. Best wishes from northwest Pennsylvania, and keep up the great work!--Tim
Posted by Timmytee on April 2, 2009 at 8:28 AM · Report this
78
I like how everyone either blindly loves this article or finds something to passionately hate about it.
Posted by Orla on April 2, 2009 at 8:35 AM · Report this
79
Fat + Hipster is much better than skinny jeans + ANYTHING!!!
Posted by Get it, got it, good on April 2, 2009 at 8:40 AM · Report this
80
@ gloomy gus- seriously? Robert Benchley? How old are you? 95? 96?
Posted by I had to wiki that one, a hole. on April 2, 2009 at 8:41 AM · Report this
81
I read lists like these at least weekly from all over Internet.
Is this really new stuff to all you folks? It seemed pretty "meh" to me.
Sorry Lindy.
Posted by Amn on April 2, 2009 at 8:41 AM · Report this
82
love it!
Posted by nicole on April 2, 2009 at 8:53 AM · Report this
83
This is pitiful. Nice try at seeming witty.
Posted by invisible on April 2, 2009 at 9:03 AM · Report this
84
I much prefer the classical-Linnean style of "Cherohonkees / Food Court Druids", as opposed to the "Dear Diary" style that $100-Away-From-Recession-Hooker has employed here.
Posted by turingcub on April 2, 2009 at 9:31 AM · Report this
85
that was great! And I am afraid of clowns but I watch TV.
Posted by Ian on April 2, 2009 at 9:43 AM · Report this
86
This article is made entirely of AWESOME.
Posted by Sally J. on April 2, 2009 at 9:58 AM · Report this
87
the fun-high i got from reading that was so great it totally sustained me through reading all the comments that were (as i'm sure you anticipated when you wrote this) just examples of what you were talking about. i know you're probably past reading comments right now, but sometimes i have so much fun (laughing out loud on my couch so hard i had to put down breakfast) i just have to thank the person. so thanks, lindy. and ha ha to all the people who think their burn really matters to her. she's so much cooler than you.
Posted by anna on April 2, 2009 at 10:05 AM · Report this
88
I thought it was funny and agree with most of it, but why do you still think religion and science are mutually exclusive. It's as old and stupid as the abortion debate. Why can't you just be cool to people with beliefs?
Posted by Christine on April 2, 2009 at 10:09 AM · Report this
89
This is the best thing I have ever read.
Posted by marye on April 2, 2009 at 10:37 AM · Report this
90
Listen, old people. Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love.

Is my favorite line ever. Thanks for making Thursday a little better!
Posted by J in Vancouver on April 2, 2009 at 11:11 AM · Report this
91
In regards to "People who are Old".

George Burns, and Andy Rooney aren't old. They're dead.
Posted by Brando on April 2, 2009 at 11:19 AM · Report this
92
OMG Lindy I love you so much I think I just came in my pants. Christ. You Lindy loving twats make me sick.
Posted by suckit douchebags on April 2, 2009 at 11:37 AM · Report this
93
nicely written. you're a bitchy dave barry. but funny.
Posted by chillywillyhaha on April 2, 2009 at 11:38 AM · Report this
94
This is one of the greatest features in The Stranger ever, and it is hands-down the funniest. I was reading it on the bus, and I was totally laughing - not just on the inside, but on the outside too. And people were looking at me, but it was ok. And I love you too.
Posted by Lindsay on April 2, 2009 at 11:39 AM · Report this
95
My GOD woman, you've touched me in ways I've never thought possible for a woman to touch a man! Probably because I thought women were only supposed to touch my rugged manliness located in the midst of Firecrotch Forest. That's gross, I'm sorry, what were we talking about? No I Will Not Make Out With You! I'm Here To Learn, People, Not TO Make Out With You!
Posted by W. Axl Rose on April 2, 2009 at 11:48 AM · Report this
96
I love this article. You forgot nothing.
Posted by Soren on April 2, 2009 at 11:57 AM · Report this
97
awesome! so going to read your stuff from now on!
Posted by t on April 2, 2009 at 11:58 AM · Report this
98
Hilarious. Thanks for actually making me laugh out loud several times.
Posted by heatherly on April 2, 2009 at 12:05 PM · Report this
99
i am DYING. this is so HILARIOUS.
Posted by BigDCahill on April 2, 2009 at 12:23 PM · Report this
100
This is love. Love you.
Posted by Non-Hippy on April 2, 2009 at 12:28 PM · Report this
101
I love you, Lindy. It's just too bad you're not Asian.
Posted by Scott F on April 2, 2009 at 12:48 PM · Report this
102
regarding clowns: I fell down the stairs a few weeks ago and sprained my ankle! perhaps I will re-think my position on clowns.
Posted by clown on April 2, 2009 at 12:58 PM · Report this
103
I don't know the Jimmy Stewart story, but I *do* know the story about Errol Flynn and the duck necklace, which he made by feeding fat-covered string to a series of ducks in a chain, then feeding the string again to the first duck.
Posted by andoodoo on April 2, 2009 at 1:24 PM · Report this
104
AhhhH! This was hilarious!!
Posted by leeluu63 on April 2, 2009 at 2:10 PM · Report this
105
How much overweight are you?
Posted by YoYo on April 2, 2009 at 2:43 PM · Report this
106
OK, this is just brilliant. Thank you SO much!
Posted by Jim on April 2, 2009 at 2:56 PM · Report this
107
Boring and unfunny.
Posted by culture critic on April 2, 2009 at 3:11 PM · Report this
108
That was fucking grand.
Posted by BombasticMo on April 2, 2009 at 3:13 PM · Report this
109
Forgot -Hipsters who just wannabe ---
Posted by l.a.Libby'sFatAss on April 2, 2009 at 3:13 PM · Report this
110
lindy, you are my favorite person of ever. please publish your every thought in the stranger. i will not complain.
Posted by yes please on April 2, 2009 at 3:24 PM · Report this
111
I love this! I'm only about $100 from total financial devastation and homelessness! Hooray! And hooray for you! This shit is funny.

Posted by Notarecessionhooker...yet on April 2, 2009 at 3:29 PM · Report this
112
Have you met Gabe Morgan? If not, it's probably time...
Posted by WindowRoom on April 2, 2009 at 3:36 PM · Report this
113
Hey there are some pretty scary clowns in this town though. It is possible that one could become genuinely traumatized by them.
Posted by tbone on April 2, 2009 at 3:43 PM · Report this
114
A lot of that was good but too much of it was "quirky for the sake of being quirky" which kinda poisons the well. SECRET HOOKERS LOL OMGZ HAHAHA nope.
Posted by JesseJB on April 2, 2009 at 3:51 PM · Report this
115 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
116
Yeah, WTF about the clowns, huh? Tacky, sure. Unfunny, yes, usually. Scary? Please.
Posted by glossolalia on April 2, 2009 at 3:59 PM · Report this
117
I'm the new president of the Lindy West fanclub. Who's in?
Posted by TC on April 2, 2009 at 4:01 PM · Report this
118
I love you too, but in a platonic way because I'm not having sex with fat chicks...

...for at least another 2 months.
Posted by Vinowen on April 2, 2009 at 4:07 PM · Report this
119
I feel compelled to point out that 7% unemployment does not imply that 93% of people are employed.
Posted by Dan on April 2, 2009 at 4:41 PM · Report this
120
Oh this was so damn good! Hands down the best thing Ive read in the stranger-ever.
It killed me..you maam are a funny fuck.
Posted by cherry on April 2, 2009 at 4:43 PM · Report this
121
Lindy West you always make me smile.
Posted by matt! on April 2, 2009 at 4:51 PM · Report this
122
Funny stuff.
Posted by DOUG. on April 2, 2009 at 5:04 PM · Report this
123
This was awesome and made me laugh more than once. Thanks!
Posted by Erik on April 2, 2009 at 5:07 PM · Report this
124
thank you for making me laugh tears, which burned as they rolled down my dried out face. hurts so good.
Posted by shewasaprism on April 2, 2009 at 5:26 PM · Report this
125
Smart, funny, and amazing, as usual, dear, dear LW.
Posted by sweetsecrets on April 2, 2009 at 5:35 PM · Report this
126
I laughed out loud - OUT LOUD.
Posted by aff on April 2, 2009 at 5:40 PM · Report this
127
Thanks Lindy, best article I've seen in the Stranger in a while. Reminds me of those insurance ads about Northwest Profiles.

I can't say I don't watch TV because I'm addicted to The Office. And I'm not afraid of clowns, I just don't think they're funny. Lots of people climbing out of a SmartCar, throwing a bucket of confetti into the audience, spritzing other clowns with a seltzer bottle, it's been done. And the clown in It, of course, really wasn't a clown...
Posted by RainMan on April 2, 2009 at 5:41 PM · Report this
128
If you didn't like this piece, it doesn't make you an asshole, but it sure helps.

(after Sean Nelson)
Posted by Grant Cogswell, Los Angeles, CA on April 2, 2009 at 5:44 PM · Report this
129
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really enjoyed this.
Posted by Magic Pants Jones on April 2, 2009 at 5:49 PM · Report this
130
Lindy! Because I am a straight girl, I don't know how to give cunnilingus. But if you would like it, I would learn.
Posted by The Cap'n on April 2, 2009 at 6:23 PM · Report this
131
Yes, bullshit about sums up your hazy thinking and logical leaps. Thumbs down...You'll have a very niche following with that writing style. If it's enough to keep you happy though, go for it.
Posted by Jay on April 2, 2009 at 6:24 PM · Report this
132
what's a hobo...
oh yeah... fuckem...
bahaa,a ahaha...
Posted by sasha on April 2, 2009 at 6:33 PM · Report this
133
i sincerely almost peed my pants laughing at this article. OH MY GOD. funniest thing ever.
Posted by franky on April 2, 2009 at 6:36 PM · Report this
134
It's funny because we're all those people, and not at the same time. Relatable!
Posted by Eric on April 2, 2009 at 7:08 PM · Report this
135
i hate people that have truck nuts hanging from their bumper. i mean come on, isn't your truck enough to compensate for your insecurities? or do you honestly need the truck nuts to feel like a real man. go smoke a pack of marlboro reds.
Posted by cheapbastard on April 2, 2009 at 7:27 PM · Report this
136
Some of those "hoboes" make more money than me. That's why I don't give em a dollar. (Except for the one with shit in his pants who talks about the FBI. Hell, if he is acting, he deserves your buck anyway. Bravo!). They probably make more money then you too. You should give more of a chance (datewise) to such an eligible professional.
Posted by Give me your buck instead on April 2, 2009 at 8:05 PM · Report this
137
Not bad for a hiptard.
Posted by seriously, i liked it. on April 2, 2009 at 8:06 PM · Report this
138
"I'm sooooo cunty and fat."
Posted by magentla on April 2, 2009 at 8:12 PM · Report this
139
And it's still hilarious on the fifth rereading. Thank you Lindy!
Posted by Lavapies para gatitos on April 2, 2009 at 8:55 PM · Report this
140
Waaaayy too Vice. Your fat because you've always taken what you've been given. Give it away. Give it all away and then go get some good-times herpes to spread around ole Cap Hill. Just don't move to Beacon Hill.
Posted by fuxor on April 2, 2009 at 9:06 PM · Report this
141
Kitty foot washing station. Heh.
Posted by katastic on April 2, 2009 at 9:17 PM · Report this
142
You just inspired me to watch TV (on Hulu) all night long! I don't have a TV now, but I sure do miss it sometimes.
Posted by Sylvie on April 2, 2009 at 9:19 PM · Report this
143
that was fun. if i ever see you at a four way stop...i will let you go first.
Posted by jesse on April 2, 2009 at 10:33 PM · Report this
144
fuck! babies ALWAYS miss the point. geez
Posted by benji on April 2, 2009 at 10:39 PM · Report this
145
I never comment. Ever. But this is funny in a way that is both funny (ha ha) and funny (ha ha). It gave me hope for humanity, because our salvation lies in self awareness...or fewer nuclear weapons. It's a toss up.
Posted by Bongo on April 2, 2009 at 10:41 PM · Report this
146
Pretty good article, but seriously, television is shit. Why waste money on a tv and cable when you can get all the same stuff online, and without half of the commercials?
Posted by Justin on April 2, 2009 at 10:46 PM · Report this
147
this is amazing!
Posted by Hucker on April 3, 2009 at 1:30 AM · Report this
148
Hi Lindy West,
After 10 years of being a Stranger reader, I thought I'd seen it all. Many a time I wanted to never read the Stranger again ( but what else is there to do in this shithole town!) Then suddenly, this thing you wrote...I liked it! I laughed! I never liked anything you ever wrote before, so I must congratulate you. Is it the fear of layoffs? That sure brings out the best in me. If not, did you have a brush with death? Why are you suddenly entertaining? Although I can't say I "agree" with it all, this was really well done. Whatever happened, please keep it up! And thank you for becoming yourself, and please share the drugs you are on, or whatever. You know you are lucky to write for the Stranger, now you can rest assured you actually deserve it too! No, I really am impressed, even tho' this must seem sarcastic, I am the most bitter, cynical, mean old bitch ever to read this thing (don't believe me? start a contest!) and you have won me over! Thanks!
-Ilira Walker
Posted by Ilira Walker on April 3, 2009 at 2:11 AM · Report this
149
also--people who stare off into space!!!
Posted by devilwitch on April 3, 2009 at 3:00 AM · Report this
150
Fuckin' babies, man.
Posted by Always Suckin Titties on April 3, 2009 at 6:02 AM · Report this
151
Does Quebec count as a 3rd world country?
Posted by hiptard on April 3, 2009 at 6:30 AM · Report this
152
I love you too.
Posted by beachlass on April 3, 2009 at 6:34 AM · Report this
153
mm, i don't think it's unjustified that people get upset with others who don't have jobs and yet still ask them for money.

For a man whyo works hard for his money, every dollar he owns is rightfully his and no other man should ever possess the right to force another to give him money.

I give money hoboes, but only if i understand that they honestly don't possess the power to get a job and work for themselves.

My money is my money, noone but me has the right to it unless i decide so.
Posted by clownetowne on April 3, 2009 at 6:40 AM · Report this
154
here's a little plugging for people who miss the point in a much more lovable way, without conviction, a la people who don't know how to drink. love us, too. we're more capable of understanding it than, say, pigeons.
Posted by sideponytail on April 3, 2009 at 7:05 AM · Report this
155
BWAAAHAHAHAHA! This is teh awesome.
Posted by violet_dagrinder on April 3, 2009 at 8:26 AM · Report this
156
I love you, Lindy. Please marry me, you fat hiptard.
Posted by kebabs on April 3, 2009 at 8:53 AM · Report this
157
Totally love you, even though I have bad clown dreams, ferreals.
Posted by Natasha on April 3, 2009 at 9:09 AM · Report this
158
Best. List. Ever.
Posted by tron on April 3, 2009 at 9:11 AM · Report this
159
Hooray for this article. Best ever.
Posted by MollyOCoddle on April 3, 2009 at 9:28 AM · Report this
160
I think I fit the description of at least one of your lists. Congrats on a truly entertaining article.
Posted by Caloy on April 3, 2009 at 9:59 AM · Report this
161
Re: Belief in Evolution/Science

I'm an atheist (small-a type, i.e., independent of any non-belief system/organization) who doesn't believe in Evolution and who never will. Evolution (and science in general) is not a belief system. Science is about evidence, observation, proof and disproof. Religion is not provable, and more importantly, it is not disprovable—hence, it demands belief; no questions allowed—no progress of—or, I suppose, no evolution of thought. So please don't refer to Evolution as something to believe in. Belief in science/scientific principle is antithetical. I accept Evolution as a great theory for all life because it makes sense, is rational, and is made evident by repetition of patterns throughout nature. "Belief" is a very poor choice of word.
Posted by Rubbery Broccoli on April 3, 2009 at 10:08 AM · Report this
162
so good. I too believe that the area outside of Capitol Hill is like the space desert in Beetlejuice. I have yet to confirm my theory that sandworms originate in Tukwila, though. One day.
Posted by chrisfurniss on April 3, 2009 at 10:08 AM · Report this
163
loved it. what about people that are on their 4th day of quitting smoking?
Posted by burning brains on April 3, 2009 at 10:09 AM · Report this
164
I'm sorry but clowns are slightly scarier than scissors, but not that other stuff. Also if a clown has a knife, it's scarier than a regular guy with a knife. Also Wizards are nice.
Posted by Not a Wizard on April 3, 2009 at 10:10 AM · Report this
165
This offset's Mudede's retarded post about the Tauntaun birth bullshit. What the FUCK does that guy smoke? And don't EVER put that shit in my joint. Who wants to sound like a 21-year-old, trenchcoat-wearing, D&D playing philosophy major who just got high while watching Empire for the first time? UUUUUGGGGHHH.
Posted by ZPG on April 3, 2009 at 10:14 AM · Report this
166
dear lindy,
one day i discovered you in the film section. before that, i'd only come to this website to read dan. now i sometimes read you before dan. i love your sensibility, sensitivity, snarkiness, wit, the whole contradictory lot of it. don't worry about all the haters man. let them drown in their own misery-- don't take it upon you. and if you ever need a place to stay in SF, mi casa es su casa (not meant creepily -- just friendlyly).
Posted by pelin on April 3, 2009 at 10:21 AM · Report this
167
I believe the humor in this lies in all those who hate it.
You really 'don't get it'
Posted by tounge in cheek is not dead on April 3, 2009 at 11:09 AM · Report this
168
I knew you were my favorite for a reason.
Posted by Inness on April 3, 2009 at 11:14 AM · Report this
169
I heart this and will send it to everyone I know who will Get It.
Posted by griffgirl on April 3, 2009 at 11:17 AM · Report this
170
This is all I have to say about wizards:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRWPakkpz…
Posted by Jeff S. on April 3, 2009 at 11:23 AM · Report this
171
Thank you Lindy West, you are a National Treasure in a non-Nicholas-Cagey way. The next article I wish for you to write is an article about good swear words with a non-religious origin. Swear words like "Fucktard" and "Shitsicle." Because ALL of the good curse words can't be taken by religion, right?
Posted by douchelord on April 3, 2009 at 11:29 AM · Report this
172
Some of this stuff is not accurate. For instance:

Hobos smoke cigar butts and hop rails. Transients do not, but have been known to steal bikes and crash them into polls.

Calista Flockhart.

The Seattle PI went out of business as a noble sacrifice for our need of a charming, bitter sweet story, according to Jean Enerson.

Re: Jean Enerson.

You forgot to mention Rush Limbaugh is a sow. Always mention that.
Posted by Neil S. on April 3, 2009 at 11:45 AM · Report this
173
That was a great article! It really made me laugh. Keep up the great writing! I don't remember the space desert in Beetlejuice though; maybe I can re-watch it on Hulu since I don't own a tv:)
Posted by maui on April 3, 2009 at 12:22 PM · Report this
174
People who write and bring up a race issue and make it as though the white person is somehow un hip when in fact perception exists for it's own reason so after writer and reader get over their original guilt for being white and their laugh if reading this while next to another white person they go back to looking retarded.
Posted by Twoi on April 3, 2009 at 12:24 PM · Report this
175
I want to read much more by you. Much more. I just had a hernia laughing from the realness. Its funny because its true. xoxo
Posted by M_Benoit on twitter on April 3, 2009 at 12:50 PM · Report this
176
i do agree. great stuff.

one of the more humorous things I have ever read in the stranger. oh seattle.
Posted by ANDROOOD on April 3, 2009 at 12:52 PM · Report this
177
That... made my life. Or explained? Probably both.
Posted by XRB on April 3, 2009 at 1:02 PM · Report this
178
Wow..easily the funniest thing i have read in a very very long time. Lindy, kudos to your brilliance.

signed,

hopefully a 'People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice', (but more likely a 'People Who Are Only Interesting When They're Drunk')
Posted by annec on April 3, 2009 at 1:18 PM · Report this
179
Lindy,

This is the best article EVER!!!

Love,
&Wizards
Posted by Ensabanur on April 3, 2009 at 1:33 PM · Report this
180
Reminds me why I love living here (not just in Seattle, but on this planet).

Thanks for making my totally shit-filled day just that much better.
Posted by petitlapin on April 3, 2009 at 2:02 PM · Report this
181
Responses over 10 words don't get it.
Posted by tsm on April 3, 2009 at 2:20 PM · Report this
182
I prefer the term "tramps" rather than "hobo" - it implies a certain theatricality! Also, I am tired of so many walking dildos not smiling at other people on the street I have lived on the hill for 7 years and have been running my own little campaign of trying to engage my fellow pedestrians with a smile, and sometimes my boldness will compell me to expel a quick HI! Give me some back!
Posted by pek on April 3, 2009 at 3:02 PM · Report this
183
I am not clever enough to post here. I thought this article and entire edition of the Stranger was garbage.

Can we try something better please?
Posted by Disappointed on April 3, 2009 at 3:51 PM · Report this
184
I now regret posting here. Isn't this space meant to be for commenting on the article, not commenting on eachothers comments? Whaddaya think this is, facebook?
Posted by notyourfriend on April 3, 2009 at 4:28 PM · Report this
185
Brilliant.
Posted by Brian H. on April 3, 2009 at 4:31 PM · Report this
186
i like to read the comments and imagine them said with funny voices.
Posted by robo on April 3, 2009 at 4:44 PM · Report this
187
LOL. I love this article. It is all so true. Especially, people who are only interesting when then drink. I get so aggravated by those types.
Posted by stacylou on April 3, 2009 at 5:20 PM · Report this
188
This was amazing. Thanks for: 1) Giving me a distraction on a Friday that let me at least look like I'm working...well up until all the laughing, 2) Making me laugh out loud in my quiet office, 3) Making everyone else in my office laugh because, hey, I had to share. You can't get away with laughing that hard at your desk and not sharing ;)
Posted by Sarah on April 3, 2009 at 5:23 PM · Report this
189
You forgot people who can make skin out of suits, like that dude from Silence of the Lambs.
Posted by Angele Yanor on April 3, 2009 at 5:36 PM · Report this
190
please promise that you'll at least think about adopting the much funnier "urban outdoorsman"
Posted by big fucking ape on April 3, 2009 at 5:46 PM · Report this
191
You forgot to mention: People who equate Christians with people who hate science, even though there are Christian scientists, and evolution is just a part of science. Lot's of people didn't believe in phrenology when it came out. Didn't mean they didn't believe in science. They just didn't believe in phrenology. Evolution works the same way. How hard is that to fucking figure out? Are those people bigots too?
Just sayin'.
Posted by Fatter & Hipsterer on April 3, 2009 at 5:57 PM · Report this
192
Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love. They only have the capacity to desire croutons.

Classic.
Posted by mAlissa on April 3, 2009 at 9:52 PM · Report this
193
the best type of person (girl) there is -"I take it in the ass because I want to stay a virgin and I have found the dirty holy loophole."
Posted by billy on April 3, 2009 at 10:19 PM · Report this
194
nailed it! lindy, you are the funniest bizzo i know. you write the funniest shit ive read. thank you.
Posted by mary on April 3, 2009 at 10:21 PM · Report this
195
Wow. That's about all I can say... Wow. The Stranger can die and go to heaven now, cause nothing is going to beat that.
Posted by toolgirlz on April 3, 2009 at 10:41 PM · Report this
196
Dear Lindy,

I like you're writing. You're funny. Though do you ever wonder about readers who don't hate, and who don't write mean things to you? Doesn't representing the relentless refractions of (self-) perception get tiresome?
Posted by william on April 4, 2009 at 2:37 AM · Report this
197
whoops. :)
Posted by william on April 4, 2009 at 2:43 AM · Report this
198
You know, when I posted my LustLab thingie last year, one of the silly questions was, "What Do You Turn To First When You Read The Stranger," and my totally hipster answer was, "WTF is the stranger?" But today my answer would be, "Lindy West." I am SORRY young lady to have to mention your name in the same paragraph as LustLab, OR The Stranger for that matter, but your column, Concessions, has made me happy for a really long time now. (Oh...PSSST! I am one of "the old people," but I'm not nearly as old as some of them.) So I even WENT TO YOUR WEB SITE, so at least 10 of your recent hits there are mine, but I'm one of the nicer strangers too, and I like to smile in a non creepy way sometimes, and I am smiling at you. Thank you. You fucking RAWK! Love from ooppoddoo
Posted by ooppoddoo on April 4, 2009 at 7:53 AM · Report this
199
Oh yeah...and two more things (a seriously "bad" part about the getting older thingie is forgetting WTF yer saying...) ~ number 1 ~ this column made me laugh when I was having a REALLY BAD NIGHT. I was rolling on the floor laughing, or what some people call...ummm...ROFL (which is gauche. There's just no other word for that), and thank you. And no problem about getting sick all over my bathroom and I'm sorry I didn't have any Sprite in the house when you woke up on the floor. Ha ha ha...please keep writing lots. I just love you! ~ ooppoddoo
Posted by ooppoddoo on April 4, 2009 at 7:59 AM · Report this
200
Yep, I pretty much agree with the first comment, that was about the funniest thing I have ever read in the Stranger. Thanks!
Posted by Joe on April 4, 2009 at 8:30 AM · Report this
201
Wow. That was really dumb. REALLY dumb.

Just as ridiculous are all of these people commenting about how "great" it was.

You are all sheep.
Posted by Nebula40 on April 4, 2009 at 9:18 AM · Report this
202
I appreciate the part about "People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns".
Posted by ben on April 4, 2009 at 10:17 AM · Report this
203
BAH!!! Ab-so-fucking-lutely. My favorite part is the part where people miss the joy in any literary moment. THAT is just so cool. Oh...no...GOSH I am so sorry but it isn't.
Posted by ooppoddoo on April 4, 2009 at 11:29 AM · Report this
204
I have the attention span of a chimpanzee on zanex (see chimpanzee rips of woman's face, youtube) yet I made it all the way through this very special article. Soooooo good.
Posted by Tony on April 4, 2009 at 12:45 PM · Report this
205
Thanks Lindy! Can I get this in a coffee table book?
Posted by fluteprof on April 4, 2009 at 1:01 PM · Report this
206
People that "know" whether or not God exists.

Or, for that matter, people that like to pretened that Science has all the answers.

Guess what??! If scientsist knew everything and were never wrong, there wouldn't be anymore scientists...

Posted by always right on April 4, 2009 at 1:09 PM · Report this
207
Loved it! Spot on. Especially liked the ones about clown phobias, mean bloggers and evolution-haters. The clown phobia hit home for me. My ex-BFF felt compelled to develop a "cute" quirk for nearly everything imaginable, including her pregnant-women phobia. Not only that, but I had to listen to her blather on about herself and make the sale to everyone in the immediate vicinity (or across the bar or in the bar across the way...whoever is within earshot) for why her personality quirks were so fun and cute. It's one thing to hear her spiel once or twice, but I got to hear it every time we met new people or went out for a drink. All the while, all I could do was sit their with my mouth shut, because who can get in a word edgewise with someone so in love with themselves? After you've heard someone describe how fascinating their psychotic quirks are for the millionth time it gets really hard to take. Hence, we are no longer frenemies forever.
Posted by lady wizard on April 4, 2009 at 4:43 PM · Report this
208
yawn
Posted by Firstname Lastname on April 4, 2009 at 5:47 PM · Report this
209
p.s i hate survivor man
Posted by Firstname Lastname on April 4, 2009 at 5:49 PM · Report this
210
its already been said...

but i love you too.
Posted by uoregon stranger lover on April 4, 2009 at 7:37 PM · Report this
211
This is the best thing on the internet. I hope you don't mind this being quoted forever.
Posted by Zarlan on April 4, 2009 at 7:49 PM · Report this
212
so good.
Posted by rajajajajaja on April 4, 2009 at 8:05 PM · Report this
213
God invented scientists
Posted by thecyberian2001 on April 4, 2009 at 9:54 PM · Report this
214
I don't know what "Best Of ___ Writing" book this would fit into, but I hope it gets to live there.
Posted by Brittney on April 4, 2009 at 10:39 PM · Report this
215
Thank you for finally stating the falling down the stairs is a real danger. That sort of thing is totally taken for granted.

ps. elephants cry.
Posted by ivegotjewels on April 5, 2009 at 5:47 AM · Report this
216
Ewe people who don't get it and talk about sheep are so very funny to me, and thank you! Oh...and BAH! HA ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa...
Posted by ooppoddoo on April 5, 2009 at 8:31 AM · Report this
217
Thanks Lindy, but don't forget when I got the clap because I had to share a catheter with Kevin Bacon. That was cruel hard.
Posted by Bill Paxton on April 5, 2009 at 9:52 AM · Report this
218
Your article made that dump i took this morning just that much better. Keep it up. :)
Posted by medians on April 5, 2009 at 10:46 AM · Report this
219
hobo:
1. One who wanders from place to place without a permanent home or a means of livelihood.
2. A migrant worker.

so a hobo is some one without a home that travels from town to town for work.
Posted by napalmfred on April 5, 2009 at 11:08 AM · Report this
220
I had to hold my sides and stifle my laughter so as not to wake the sleeping people in my house. Thanks for the laughs, you big, fat, raging hiptard! ;-)
Posted by cyntax on April 5, 2009 at 12:16 PM · Report this
221
This is one of the best things I've ever read, in the Stranger or otherwise. This is better than 99% of the shit in the New Yorker. You truly are gifted. I coughed up a lung laughing. Even the title is brilliant.
Posted by Andrew Triska on April 5, 2009 at 12:46 PM · Report this
222
Great! The only other writer on the subject of absurdity of human existence that's this good is Albert Camus, coincidentally in a publication called The Stranger.
Posted by Paul West on April 5, 2009 at 1:28 PM · Report this
223
Awesome. What a great idea. What about: People who give you the stink eye for no apparent reason other than you're having more fun they are.
Posted by sam on April 5, 2009 at 1:58 PM · Report this
224
Huzzah!
Posted by that's all on April 5, 2009 at 2:01 PM · Report this
225
Wow, 100+ comments amounting to "I love you Lindy, can I bear your children?" Do people in this town like to jump in line or what.
Posted by xhl on April 5, 2009 at 4:10 PM · Report this
226
I love this list but I have more: People who call themselves "environmentalists" yet they smoke; People who fart in public and look around or stand there as though nothing happened; People who do pilates to lose weight; People who step out in front of your car-Hey, even though there's a crosswalk: car, BIG, MOVING, METAL, MACHINE.
Posted by eyeateu on April 5, 2009 at 8:18 PM · Report this
227
this brought smiles and laughs, thank you. I can really say I get the point and I love you too...but in a friendly social kinda way not a creepy guy at 7-11 kinda way...
Posted by madmax42 on April 5, 2009 at 9:35 PM · Report this
228
Why does Bill Paxton miss the point? He was the only one who knew when demons were among us!

Oh, and everyone who likes the Beatles, puppies, Stephen Colbert, pizza, Van Gogh, etc. is a SHEEP!
C'mon, people, there are some things that are so objectively good that everybody likes them. Liking something popular does not automatically make you a sheep.
Posted by I'm on the Lindy bandwagon on April 6, 2009 at 12:37 AM · Report this
229
Go, Lindy, go!

Thank God and Goddess that my cat's too old and plump to jump up on the counter!

But I do keep him and my apartment clean.

p.s. I love you, three.
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 6, 2009 at 2:00 AM · Report this
230
Old pigeon feeding people?!? Ever thought they might deliberately be aiming to create a carpet of birdshit for you to walk through. Seems they are not as dumb as all that...
Posted by Attilla on April 6, 2009 at 3:18 AM · Report this
231
Please move George Burns from the "Notable Old People" column to the "Notable Dead People" column.
Posted by Jay on April 6, 2009 at 4:24 AM · Report this
232
you're stupid and I can't believe that you are getting paid to write this drivel.
Posted by thestrangerislame on April 6, 2009 at 6:40 AM · Report this
233
Lindy West, I think reading your writing makes me a funnier person, sort of like how cleaning up vodka with a paper towel makes it a more appealing paper towel.
Posted by Sparks on April 6, 2009 at 7:51 AM · Report this
234
what about "doctors who don't believe in evolution"? ooh yeah... they do exist and do they ever get my goat..!
Posted by nastyrose on April 6, 2009 at 8:44 AM · Report this
235
APPARENTLY THE ONLY KIND OF PEEPS IN DA WURLD ARE ITCHY STUPID HIPSTER-PUN-KRANK-FUCK-WANKS.

I WISH DERE WERE MORE PEEPS, AND THAT OLD DUDE IZ SOOO BORED. HE'S LIKE "WTF BITCHEZ, WHY DONT U TOKE OR DO FUN SHIT?" AND THEY R ALL LIK "FUK U DAWG, WE IZ HELLA COUNTERCULTURE. HUH HUH, THAT SHOULD BE THE NAME OF A BECKETT PLAY, HUH HUH."
Posted by LAWriM0RRh0tTiEEey on April 6, 2009 at 9:39 AM · Report this
236
I loved this!
Posted by Andy on April 6, 2009 at 10:42 AM · Report this
237
What about the kind of people who wish they could get a date with Lindy but can't and that makes them sad :(
Posted by hopeless on April 6, 2009 at 11:39 AM · Report this
238
LOL @"People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics"

More seriously, this actually isn't too much of a contradiction. Since it unfortunately describes most people in America, it's how we end up with things like MRSA.
Posted by Paul F on April 6, 2009 at 12:48 PM · Report this
239
People who can't think of a decent idea for a column?
Posted by dick_izinya on April 6, 2009 at 1:28 PM · Report this
240
people who got suckered into reading this from a punk rock blog
Posted by alienhead on April 6, 2009 at 1:32 PM · Report this
241
"People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice" are WIZARDS!
Posted by bahh on April 6, 2009 at 1:53 PM · Report this
242
i'm pretty sure clowns ARE scary. that's why they end up in just about every horror movie and also are frequent molesters/serial killers.
Posted by it's true on April 6, 2009 at 2:06 PM · Report this
243
"Human nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put in this world to rise above!"
Posted by James Early on April 6, 2009 at 2:43 PM · Report this
244
Perhaps the British just lack the capacity to love Yanks. Some kind of bitter genetic memory maybe?
Also, what's with these people who comment just to say how shit they think something is? Surely they are some of the most miserable cunts on the planet.
Posted by meh on April 6, 2009 at 3:15 PM · Report this
245
More please.

Love, Sean.
Posted by seandr on April 6, 2009 at 4:33 PM · Report this
246
I love it , so true
Posted by steve on April 6, 2009 at 4:37 PM · Report this
247
Fucking awesome, I laughed out loud the entire time! Thank you.
Posted by shy on April 6, 2009 at 4:41 PM · Report this
248
People who believe in the tree squid.
Posted by elli on April 6, 2009 at 5:16 PM · Report this
249
What about: People who don't realize that SMART people who believe in a higher power do so largely beCAUSE of their appreciation of science.

And: People who state that a higher power cannot exist as though it is a fact WHILE calling people close-minded who don't believe in aliens.
Posted by anny ominous on April 6, 2009 at 5:22 PM · Report this
250
SNARKALIOUS!!!
Posted by oswissmiss on April 6, 2009 at 7:05 PM · Report this
251
Who the hell would give money to a hobo? You give them food IF they look legit, but never money. They could either be a con artist or just end up spending it on drugs.
Posted by Mac N Qeese on April 6, 2009 at 7:38 PM · Report this
252
...and then when in the tingly clutches of an Ouzo induced hot Greek waiter love trance, one can become a shrill-laughing clown that falls down the beyond dangerous island stairs to the terrace where, btw, one can still at that point be propositioned by Greek attendants and then wake up with no breakfast Sprite or good TV because London is far away (ps the boob-tube is how the Brits give us love) and still by some wizardly-god-science pull together a special hooker-hobo style that gets ones almost vomiting self packed and off to the next departure line headed for another pigeon poop town.
Posted by blonde lady on the terrace on April 6, 2009 at 8:09 PM · Report this
253
Best. Article. Ever.

Thank you.
Posted by nothanxspanx on April 6, 2009 at 9:26 PM · Report this
254
Definitely the very best thing I've read in awhile. I love it, thanks!
Posted by stephy on April 6, 2009 at 9:40 PM · Report this
255
Holy fart. Epic hilarity.
Posted by Hater of whimsy, watcher of TV on April 6, 2009 at 9:46 PM · Report this
256
Ridiculously entertaining.
C'mon people, laugh and get over yourselves; you know this is true.
I felt as if I was watching a History Channel or Animal Planet documentary in print.
Bravo Lindy West, bravo.
Posted by 'Sall Good on April 7, 2009 at 12:15 AM · Report this
257
hehe i loled...and i have nothing witty to say. :)
Posted by kristin bell on April 7, 2009 at 1:38 AM · Report this
258
Is there a taco bell around here?
Posted by tristan on April 7, 2009 at 5:45 AM · Report this
259
I didn't read anything about nose picking. Nose picking has to be in there.
Posted by HopOnPop on April 7, 2009 at 9:02 AM · Report this
260
I think it shouold clowns/dolls.
Posted by Rachelin DC on April 7, 2009 at 9:38 AM · Report this
261
you dont have to be pretty and funny and smart and nice.

but you can definitely have my babies
Posted by qb on April 7, 2009 at 9:59 AM · Report this
262
This is absolutely fantastic. Made my day bearable.
Posted by Sallyjo on April 7, 2009 at 10:10 AM · Report this
263
Amazing! Seriously too damn funny! Thanks for a great laugh.
Posted by cody james on April 7, 2009 at 11:34 AM · Report this
264
This was so much fun to read and SO TRUE! I especially love the part about "people who pretend to be afraid of clows and people who studied abroad in a 3rd world country"
Posted by Saint_Genet on April 7, 2009 at 11:47 AM · Report this
265
Oh,and I also agree...there needs to be a section about people who talk about moving back to "Cali" all the time.
Posted by Saint_Genet on April 7, 2009 at 11:52 AM · Report this
266
Amazing.
Posted by crazyprof on April 7, 2009 at 12:08 PM · Report this
267
I HATE the word Whimsey and all associated with it! Somebody,(other than me)finally said it Thank you, you totally get me, let's hold hands!
Posted by dirty D on April 7, 2009 at 1:03 PM · Report this
268
I thought this article was boring as shit. I don't know why I read it.
Posted by the optimist on April 7, 2009 at 1:04 PM · Report this
269
How about: People with no sense of humor that cream their pants over mediocre writing.

"The best thing on the internet."
Jesus.
Posted by the optimist on April 7, 2009 at 1:15 PM · Report this
270
Awesome. You made me smile several times while reading. If only you were able to see them (I'm a stranger).
Posted by Justin on April 7, 2009 at 1:34 PM · Report this
271
P.S. I've been victim of the "hobo" debacle as well. It's annoying.

You may want to add to the list the people that pronounce "supposedly" as "supposably."
Posted by Justin on April 7, 2009 at 1:46 PM · Report this
272
This is the stupidest thing I have ever read in the Stranger. Why was this printed?
Posted by crunchbird on April 7, 2009 at 2:06 PM · Report this
273
The funniest, laugh-out-loud thing I've ever read....in ANY newspaper!!
Posted by bgirl on April 7, 2009 at 3:19 PM · Report this
274
See also:
People who are Librarians
People Who Get Tribal Tattoos and Have Never Been in a Tribe
People Who Dye their Pets' Hair

[fantastic article, by the way. absolutely in love.]
Posted by StuckWorking on April 7, 2009 at 3:41 PM · Report this
275
This was wickedly funny except for the toss-away line about Asians. Why is that there?
Posted by bmichael on April 7, 2009 at 5:31 PM · Report this
276
Love you too.
Posted by Russian Wizard on April 7, 2009 at 7:06 PM · Report this
277
I was having a shitty night and this made me laugh really hard. Thanks.
Posted by gueralinda on April 7, 2009 at 9:20 PM · Report this
278
The best thing I've ever read. Please write my wedding vows.
Posted by ashweeeee on April 7, 2009 at 9:49 PM · Report this
279
Fuckin' babies, always missing the goddamn point.
Posted by moxie on April 7, 2009 at 10:20 PM · Report this
280
The cover story? Seriously?
Posted by Pat on April 7, 2009 at 11:29 PM · Report this
281
Love, love, love this. My only complaint is there are more "types" you haven't tapped in to ... could this PLEASE be part 1 of 2???
Posted by Sara on April 8, 2009 at 2:04 AM · Report this
282
p.s. The random LOL that people put in the middle of a sentence... that totally irks me. Right on, LOL!!1
Posted by Sara on April 8, 2009 at 2:08 AM · Report this
283
You know who believes Sasquatch just MIGHT exist? Jane Goodall. Yeah, the scientist one. She's still on the fence.

Otherwise, right on, sistah!
Posted by Greg with 2 Gs on April 8, 2009 at 6:22 AM · Report this
284
This is one of my favorite things I have ever read in the entire world. Thank you for all eternity for writing something brilliant and awesome. Also, pitbulls are nice.
Posted by angela on April 8, 2009 at 6:40 AM · Report this
285
It just goes to show, you can't be too careful!
Posted by mpr on April 8, 2009 at 8:37 AM · Report this
286
"People who aren't gonna tell you how to do your job, but..." and then tell you how to do your job.
Posted by rico on April 8, 2009 at 9:55 AM · Report this
287
Jesus, there are some funny commenters here. I just reread all 250,000 of them, and laughed my ass off all (or most) the way. Thanks for writing this, Lindy, and getting all this shit started. You & Savage Dan make my day, just about all the time.
Posted by Timmytee on April 8, 2009 at 10:11 AM · Report this
288
Bravo! Made my day. Well done!
Posted by Pete on April 8, 2009 at 11:00 AM · Report this
289
I WAS going to say this is the best thing I ever read in the Stranger, and the dumbass commenter at position #1 beat me to it! YOU FAT BITCH!

Just kidding!

Seriously tho- best ever! And I read A LOT!
Posted by Shilo on April 8, 2009 at 11:12 AM · Report this
290
You are perfect.
Posted by m.n. on April 8, 2009 at 11:26 AM · Report this
291
the stranger is only interesting when it's drunk...
Posted by Snowden on April 8, 2009 at 11:29 AM · Report this
292
This made my day. I sent this to all my Friends Who Get the Point. But I didn't send it to most of my friends because they fall into the category of People Who Miss the Point. Also I am friends with lots of babies but I don't blame them for not getting the point.
Posted by aaron on April 8, 2009 at 12:20 PM · Report this
293
To the Christian guy way up there...I don't think denying the existence of God counts as "hating on Chrisitians." That's like saying denying the existence of Pepsi is a statement against people who like Pepsi. Whether there is or isn't Pepsi is the issue. I consider myself a Christian - a sinner, nonetheless, like all of us - and I am not offended when people deny the existence of God. Disappointed, sometimes. Afraid for their souls, maybe. But it's not a personal affront.

I think may have missed the point...oh, drear. Better look into getting that Eeyore tattoo. Great work, Miss West. You are funny and talented.
Posted by Report as false or abusive on April 8, 2009 at 12:24 PM · Report this
294
this article was so funny! How about "People who think that they are so incredibly intelligent, when it is so obvious to the rest of the world that they are the biggest dumbass on the face of the Earth". I have one of those individuals at my job. Kinda sad, actually.
Posted by stormygirl on April 8, 2009 at 1:15 PM · Report this
295
this article was so funny! How about "People who think that they are so incredibly intelligent, when it is so obvious to the rest of the world that they are the biggest dumbass on the face of the Earth". I have one of those individuals at my job. Kinda sad, actually.
Posted by stormygirl on April 8, 2009 at 1:16 PM · Report this
296
I havne't laughed this hard in so long. You took the thoughts right out of my head and made them funny. Thank you!

- Janina, Seattle, 26
Posted by JaninaSG on April 8, 2009 at 1:37 PM · Report this
297
RE: People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics

This has been my favorite frustration for a long time. Thanks you for making it so funny when it is actually really, REALLY scary. See Religulous if you haven't already.
Posted by arthack on April 8, 2009 at 1:54 PM · Report this
298
i never write comments on blogs, but felt compelled to do so now because this is hilarious. i have sent a link to all the people i know who will think the same thing, then they will be as overjoyed as i am. thank you.
Posted by hooray! on April 8, 2009 at 2:17 PM · Report this
299
hysterical.
Posted by superduper on April 8, 2009 at 2:42 PM · Report this
300
How about 90% of the educated population that do not know the difference between "your and you're" and "there and their" and the list goes on....LOVE the article...one of the funniest things I have read this year...masterpiece!
Posted by SeaFashionista on April 8, 2009 at 2:52 PM · Report this
301
in before 301 comments
Posted by 4chan on April 8, 2009 at 3:25 PM · Report this
302
Lindy, care to meet me at Shorty's sometime? I know it's Belltown and I know Belltown is gross, but feel like proving your lack of coulrophobia? xx
Posted by Lindy's New (Old) Boyfriend on April 8, 2009 at 3:43 PM · Report this
303
@299

Once you add in the 90% of the population that does not know the difference between you're and your, you will also have to add the estimated percentage that wish grammer nazis would go off to a corner somewhere and touch themselves while reading Webster's and leave the rest of us alone.

I'm not sure if this places me in the "People Who Sit at Their Day Jobs All Day Anonymously Posting the Meanest Things They Can Think of in the Comments Sections on Blogs" category, but thats not what I'm shooting for. I would much rather be a wizard.

Lindy, the article just gets better every time I read it, I love it!
Posted by Jake on April 8, 2009 at 4:09 PM · Report this
304
Good thing nobody posted more than 300 comments.
Posted by Will in Seattle on April 8, 2009 at 4:10 PM · Report this
305
man, fuck people who pretend to be afraid of clowns. that's all I have to say.
Posted by alexandra on April 8, 2009 at 4:11 PM · Report this
306
people who sound a lot like john hodgman?
Posted by john hodgman on April 8, 2009 at 4:30 PM · Report this
307
so sad you don't think God exists. even more sad that you think not believing makes you somehow smarter.
Posted by Sunny on April 8, 2009 at 4:38 PM · Report this
308
People who enjoy people who sound a lot like john hodgman?
Posted by not john hodgman, but that guy's okay in my book. on April 8, 2009 at 4:42 PM · Report this
309
I liked this.
Posted by Salty Purl on April 8, 2009 at 4:42 PM · Report this
310
Lindy, you're fantastic. I would love to see what you'd do with a novel or a screenplay. Kudos on being generally awesome and making me wish you were my fag hag. (Sorry! "Fruit fly.")
Posted by GrammarCop on April 8, 2009 at 4:58 PM · Report this
311
Thank you for speaking out on behalf of people who enjoy using the word "hobo". I use it all the time and yes I know what it means. I'm hoping to exploit them as a cheap source of labor when the economy gets worse and I build a Hooverville in my backyard.

Um, you totally rock and I wish I was as funny as you are.
Posted by Blicky Kitty on April 8, 2009 at 5:06 PM · Report this
312
I've never read anything on the Stranger before, and this is completely fantastic. Welcome to Viralville. And I love that I have something to send someone who says they're afraid of clowns and doesn't own a TV. You are one funny fat hiptard. If I were a stranger on the street I would smile at you.
Posted by HoboSemantics on April 8, 2009 at 6:03 PM · Report this
313
Really Funny - you had me at hobos.
Posted by dreadful j on April 8, 2009 at 6:34 PM · Report this
314
You rock. Just showing some blog love.
Posted by doublej079 on April 8, 2009 at 7:12 PM · Report this
315
:D
Posted by Tifa on April 8, 2009 at 8:44 PM · Report this
316
this just made my day/week.
Posted by brianna on April 8, 2009 at 8:58 PM · Report this
317
People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You're Having

I swear, order your own damn dessert! No, you can't have some of mine. And no, that doesn't make me a selfish bitch, not if I'm paying for my own meal.
Posted by I want my chocolate cheesecake on April 8, 2009 at 9:00 PM · Report this
318
Haha, this is cool :)
Posted by Moni on April 8, 2009 at 9:39 PM · Report this
319
this article made me fart on the bus. Thanks, Lindy, keep it up.
Posted by wilbur@work on April 8, 2009 at 10:33 PM · Report this
320
This is...sublime.
Posted by lucindamichele on April 8, 2009 at 11:02 PM · Report this
321
Wow...just wow. Possibly one of the best things I've read this year? in my life? People who are scared of clowns bug me almost as much as people who are terrified of bees (unless they're allergic and might, like, die if they get stung. they get a pass).
Posted by Georgia on April 9, 2009 at 9:09 AM · Report this
322
another reason that i miss the stranger . . . take that sf weekly and sfbay guardian.
Posted by the accidental on April 9, 2009 at 10:24 AM · Report this
323
Can I adopt you? I was hoping for a child like you but i just got robots. I am on your page, i hear ya and keep on doing what ya do. a not too hip but one who pays attention grandma
Posted by iisaartist on April 9, 2009 at 10:38 AM · Report this
324
fucking hilarious
Posted by funemployednyc on April 9, 2009 at 10:49 AM · Report this
325
Lindy West has been on fire recently. Shit goddamn!
Posted by Sir Learnsalot on April 9, 2009 at 10:51 AM · Report this
326
I am happy that this article exists.
Posted by Dan on April 9, 2009 at 12:03 PM · Report this
327
you have actually witnessed someone correcting another person's usage of the word hobo? and here I am thinking the east village had the most pretentious idiots in the world. thank you seattle!
Posted by some guy not from seattle on April 9, 2009 at 12:21 PM · Report this
328
i think i'm in love with lindy west. on another note, who is lindy west?
Posted by call me! on April 9, 2009 at 1:27 PM · Report this
329
I think the twitter folks went with "tweet" because had they gone with "twit" people would have mistakenly used "twat" as the past tense.
Posted by E! on April 9, 2009 at 4:35 PM · Report this
330
In a word: dope.
Posted by jammyjamz on April 9, 2009 at 4:35 PM · Report this
331
I agree with every single one of your points... except the part about the hoboes. There is definitely a difference between "hobos" and the homeless at large, but I won't annoy you with semantics.
Posted by disgracebook on April 9, 2009 at 4:55 PM · Report this
332
almost a really great list (especially kitty foot washing station)...i personally don't believe in (the still categorized as theory of macro)evolution, so i'll be one of those "people who don't give a fuck about your opinion of her and her belief in God" :-)
Posted by shanka on April 9, 2009 at 5:09 PM · Report this
333
Wow. Get your hep shots and buy a years supply of condoms, cause real work is calling for you.
Posted by woob on April 9, 2009 at 7:58 PM · Report this
334
This was brilliant and I'm glad I've discovered it. I'm of the opinion that truly talented people are few and far between; you are one of them.
Posted by malaise on April 9, 2009 at 8:31 PM · Report this
335
I love you.
Posted by tappellesauce on April 9, 2009 at 8:36 PM · Report this
336
i use the comment hobo without prudence
Posted by wendolyn on April 9, 2009 at 9:36 PM · Report this
337
Wow. <3
Posted by Sandi on April 10, 2009 at 6:32 AM · Report this
338
You are my new best friend.
Posted by swg on April 10, 2009 at 6:37 AM · Report this
339
What about the guy who writes unnecessarily long, overly snarky, and, ultimately, completely and utterly unnecessary commentaries on people to whom he clearly feels superior.
Posted by Nigel Humpenbottom Wigglesworth, Esq. IV on April 10, 2009 at 7:40 AM · Report this
340
You are awesome. Thanks for liberating the word 'hobo' from would-be purists. A thousand poets thank you.
Posted by Seltzerlizard on April 10, 2009 at 12:48 PM · Report this
341
Hi-Larious! Thanks for the laughs, especially the whimsy folks and the self-indulgent 4-way stop morons.
Posted by SaltyGawd on April 10, 2009 at 12:58 PM · Report this
342
The Vice mag influence is clear, but it's still great.
Posted by monko on April 10, 2009 at 3:25 PM · Report this
343
People who are so joyful, yes joyful, to have discovered this writer: Me.
Posted by Amanda on April 10, 2009 at 3:37 PM · Report this
344
When did "Douche" become synonymous with stupid, bad, ickey or whatever other word you use to mean less than optimal?
Posted by lisanne on April 10, 2009 at 6:37 PM · Report this
345
people who mis the point! i have had it! im not explaning anymore...thanks
Posted by justifide! on April 10, 2009 at 9:12 PM · Report this
346
As an adendum to "people who miss the point" I would like to add "people who miss the point ON PURPOSE because they think it will help them win an argument". For example, my husband. Grr to that shit.
Posted by h_to_the_grizzy on April 10, 2009 at 9:32 PM · Report this
347
All Hail Lindy West! Where have you been all my life? I just picked this rag up the other day and read it not 10 minutes ago. I know I am behind as far as the publication is concerned but this was definitely the best piece I have digested year to date (and I highly doubt anything can out do this masterpiece of wit and wisdom). You're a genius - and I love you too! You are my new favorite. Cheers!
Posted by E-Boogie on April 10, 2009 at 9:40 PM · Report this
348
i was with you for awhile, then it got too 'LOL IMA WRITE RANDUM STUFF ABOUT WIZARDS ON MY MYSPACE LOOK AT HOW RANDUM AND PRECIOUS I AM, ISN'T DANE COOK FUNNY MONKEY WITH A SWORD!
Posted by derp derp herp on April 11, 2009 at 12:57 AM · Report this
349
Ouzo should get 2 mentions.... its THAT good.....
Posted by Old Ouzo drinker on April 11, 2009 at 10:56 PM · Report this
350
funny - kept me interested enough to read the whole damn thing
Posted by LaLa on April 12, 2009 at 7:07 PM · Report this
351
Whoa.
Posted by Your Name Here on April 12, 2009 at 7:23 PM · Report this
352
Aw man, look, you can still believe in God and also not be a douche, at the same time. And you can believe in evolution and dental school and antibiotics, and STILL God. Don't let some assholes make you think that ONLY assholes believe in God. Come on!
Posted by Paperdoll on April 12, 2009 at 8:18 PM · Report this
353
Made my day. Awesome.
Posted by banana on April 12, 2009 at 8:28 PM · Report this
354
very, very funny... 1st time directed to the stranger and if it is this funny all the time I am coming back. Although I do believe in God and find fat people generally unpleasant to be around, this article is quite brilliant, thank you..
Posted by Devout & Slim on April 12, 2009 at 11:23 PM · Report this
355
I watched one show on TV before it went off the air. I don't watch the rest because I think I'm smarter than everyone else, just because I don't want to pay a lot of money each month for a bunch of crap I can get free on the internet anyway.
Posted by tangent136 on April 13, 2009 at 9:21 AM · Report this
356
Hilarious.
Posted by Bill Paxton on April 13, 2009 at 2:14 PM · Report this
357
Come on, whenever my cat walks through the cat box, he always licks his paws clean first before he walks across the kitchen counter.
Posted by W. Kiernan on April 13, 2009 at 4:01 PM · Report this
358
you need way more replies!
i love you & i am sending this to everyone.
Posted by jcom on April 13, 2009 at 4:32 PM · Report this
359
I love you Lindy.

- Person who Complains About the Printed Seattle P-I Going Under Even Though They Never, Ever Used to Read the Seattle P-I
Posted by Camille on April 13, 2009 at 4:39 PM · Report this
360
I love you, fat cunty hipster.
Posted by derek g. on April 13, 2009 at 6:41 PM · Report this
361
People who assume that because you are religious you are stupid, and don't believe in science. I've had numerous arguments about this. It's called being a scientific creationist!!! Grr!!!
Posted by Elisa on April 13, 2009 at 9:11 PM · Report this
362
bit my damn eyeball herpes joke...
Posted by dristan on April 14, 2009 at 1:13 PM · Report this
363
That was hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh.
Posted by Emily on April 14, 2009 at 7:05 PM · Report this
364
You can't really be mad at people who send away for porcelain figurines of poodles wearing poodle skirts that they saw in the back of PARADE, or who enjoy movies in which impish children attempt to call grandma in heaven on the CB radio.

This has nothing to do with whimsy. These people are sociopaths, and the people that turn clowns bad.
Posted by Dr Paisley on April 14, 2009 at 8:41 PM · Report this
365
This stuff cracked me up....
Posted by Dee on April 15, 2009 at 9:03 AM · Report this
366
Brilliant. Thank you. I'm gonna go read it again.
Posted by I love you too dear on April 15, 2009 at 10:03 AM · Report this
367
As a social scientist, I must say that I LOVE THE AUTHOR!
Posted by Mr. Science on April 15, 2009 at 12:10 PM · Report this
368
this is amazing
Posted by hadley on April 15, 2009 at 7:12 PM · Report this
369
I love this. Thank you.
Posted by OK-writergirl on April 16, 2009 at 1:00 PM · Report this
370
This was mildly amusing. I say that simply because not every thing on the damn planet can be the "best thing ever!" simultaneously. However, I did enjoy it in a "smile on the inside" way.
Posted by Jinx on April 16, 2009 at 8:54 PM · Report this
371
I can actually see the snub noses in the air as I read the negative comments...

theyre probably the kind of people who would point out something they didnt like if I brought them a surprise breakfast to work.
Posted by ivegotjewels on April 17, 2009 at 4:15 AM · Report this
372
I actually have "herpes of the eyeball," otherwise known as shingles. It's extremely painful and can lead to blindness, but I try not to post too many mean comments on blogs.

Love the "people who don't believe in evolution" one!
Posted by ChessiePique on April 17, 2009 at 7:23 AM · Report this
373
This made me miss Seattle so much! And I can't believe they discontinued the Seattle P-I as a daily newsletter. Now it's online... major womp. I never read it that much, though. Mainly read this and the Seattle Times.
Posted by Twan-Twan on April 17, 2009 at 1:11 PM · Report this
374
twentysomethings with an inflated sense of self-importance and an underdeveloped grasp of the english language who write trite, long-winded, self-conscious, pseudo-intelligent & purposefully "quirky" lists?? just sayin.'
Posted by on the real on April 19, 2009 at 1:16 AM · Report this
375
Red plus purple equals whore.
Posted by Shhh! on April 20, 2009 at 6:26 PM · Report this
376
I needed a good chuckle. Thanks for this. But you forgot the people who don't smile BACK at the nice customer service people. Ah, not really. I find that most people smile back if you smile at them, even if it looks like it causes inexplicable pain.
Posted by Saje on April 20, 2009 at 9:22 PM · Report this
377
this was the bestest read ever. :)
Posted by sandy on April 21, 2009 at 6:08 AM · Report this
378
You get me, you know? You really get me. Okay, I sort of don't get me right now, but I love the piece - I felt like I was people watching not in one single place, but sort of all over the city. I promise to remember to smile at you.
Posted by kuhlman on April 21, 2009 at 9:30 PM · Report this
379
Funniest damn thing I have read in the last 20 minutes.
Posted by Don't bother me, I'm working. on April 22, 2009 at 12:37 PM · Report this
380
I'm not even done yet... saving some for later... seriously, if the paper I used to work for ever printed anything this solid and funny I'd be sorry I got laid off
Posted by yadontsay on April 22, 2009 at 3:29 PM · Report this
381 Comment Pulled
382
love the no tu point. have never been to there peoples houses but they always scream "i have on tv!" I don't care!

@Brynmorgan
Posted by Bryn Morgan on April 23, 2009 at 11:49 AM · Report this
383
Hey I appreciate you sticking up for people who think they know what hobos are. I am in charge of the Hobo Digest (The only online hobo news portal) and if you're ever in Moonshineopolis consider your first drink on me.
Posted by Maxwell Moonshine on April 23, 2009 at 12:19 PM · Report this
384
Fantastic list, and instant classic
Posted by Craig on April 23, 2009 at 1:00 PM · Report this
385
People who work for bullshit hipster blogs and think their clever by making fun of other people
Posted by Not-Impressed on April 23, 2009 at 1:23 PM · Report this
386
I laughed out loud a couple of times. Thanks.
Posted by GRL on April 23, 2009 at 8:28 PM · Report this
387
...At 1 AM this was hilariously funny. at 11:45 AM, this was just as funny.

People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns

I've met a girl who was ACTUALLY afraid of clowns. She ended up in a ball, crying and rocking, begging the clown not to get nearer. The poor clown didn't know what to do.
Posted by CatintheHat on April 24, 2009 at 8:48 AM · Report this
388
Clown one is spot on.
Posted by Martin on April 24, 2009 at 9:40 AM · Report this
389
"buckets of kittens adorable"

seriously wtf does that even mean, kittens are cute but they shit too, and have you ever seen kittens in the wild... their wild, and shitty looking.
Posted by oneofthosepeople on April 24, 2009 at 2:01 PM · Report this
390
Terrific! Reminds me of Haggis-on-Whey, particularly the Wizards-Russians-Russian Wizards transition.

I shall not be fooled again!
Posted by Vlingon on April 27, 2009 at 9:59 AM · Report this
391
that was awesome
Posted by lolo1285 on April 27, 2009 at 10:52 AM · Report this
392
This made my MONTH! Extremely humorous. Kudos to you Miss West!

-The Russian Wizard
Posted by MissMaris on April 29, 2009 at 2:39 PM · Report this
393
i feel loved
Posted by Cornielious the Destroyer on April 29, 2009 at 7:27 PM · Report this
394
never read the Stranger before, got linked to this off someone's Facebook (there must be some kind of category for me), and I must say it's the most hilarious thing I've read all week. Thank you.
Posted by JK on April 30, 2009 at 12:43 PM · Report this
395
This is the Gayest, most aids infected shit i have ever read, and the last 3 cheesy lines to save face can eat the herpe infected nipple wart discharge of the average patron of the R place.
Posted by TheEvilOyO on May 5, 2009 at 10:13 PM · Report this
396
To Tweet or not to Twitter, that is the stranger question
Posted by genx on May 19, 2009 at 7:54 PM · Report this
397
I needed this today. Thank you!
Posted by chambe3 on May 27, 2009 at 2:58 PM · Report this
398
What about people who are in the U.S. illegally from Mexico and preach how awesome Mexico is and over-obnoxiously celebrate it and wave Mexican flags all around and never attempt to learn anything about American culture/language?
Posted by brandamonium on June 10, 2009 at 1:31 PM · Report this
399
Lindy West, I want to kiss you on the mouth.
Posted by Andreahh on October 1, 2009 at 10:33 AM · Report this

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