'Tis time! That most wondrous time of the deep and depressing winter in which we celebrate one of the best massacres Chicago ever had with chalky-hearted love screeds, suicidal wishes, and expensive fauxmance. A time in which we come together to come together and, failing that, listen to Morrissey and slice at our wrists. It's tradition! Or am I just fucking projecting—as usual? Whatever: Valentine's Day is a murderous bitch dressed in a pink chocolate tutu. (WHO IS THIS SADISTIC SAINT VALENTINE BASTARD AND WHAT DID I EVER DO TO MAKE HIM HATE ME SO MUCH? I ask you.) So! Let's just bite some bullets and get this over with, shall we? Jesus.

The first item on The Agenda tonight is an acrobatic exercise in whimsy and aerial magic. (Which is not the same as whimsical areola magic, please make a note of it.) It's called Scandals on Broadway. The amazing Tamara the Trapeze Lady headlines the bill, and she is a dazzling combination of grace, beauty, burlesque, and... um... a trapeze. (Imagine!) She will be joined for this colorful Valentine's Day extravaganza by a talented cadre of burlesque and cabaret performers, like Gus Clark of the Nu Klezmer Army, Pidgeon Von Tramp, Boom Boom L'Roux, and Susy Queue, who promises to enchant us with a number inspired by Bedknobs and Broomsticks. (Witchy!) You can show up at 6.30 p.m. and have a little dinner before the show, but since it's Julia's, well, maybe it's best to have a large lunch and just come for the terrific show. Julia's on Broadway, 8 pm, $15 adv/$20 DOS/$25 VIP, 18+.


Do you miss ElektroPop (RIP)? Are you lacking the Valentine's prerequisite of a properly scheduled booty call? Or did your date just turn out to be a name-dropping doucheburger who was only interested in your Paramount season tickets—as usual? Then tonight's second item is right up your throbbing little alley: Hissy Fit! A new every-Thursday, high-octane, drag-rich dance party for gay sluts starring the brilliant Robbie Turner and DJ Bret Law. Baltic Room, 9 pm, free before 10 pm/$3 after, 21+.



Please be advised that from this point until she gets kicked off or wins the damn thing, it's back to Julia's we must go every Monday—the only place to view RuPaul's Drag Race Season 5 with Jinkx Monsoon in the flesh. Large lunches are advised. Julia's on Broadway, 8 pm, free, 21+.