Republicans I Have Fucked

The Republican Hypocrites Hall of Fame

A Field Guide to Conservative Closet Cases—Plus, Who's Next?!

Considering the seemingly inexhaustible stream of anti-gay politicians subsequently revealed to be secretly gay, having an anti-gay voting record is now as much of a "gay tell" as having a roomful of Judy Garland memorabilia. For better or worse, conservative closet cases are a permanent fixture of the gay community, but do you know your cross-dressing congressmen from your washroom-haunting senators? Here's a guide to get you up to speed.

Larry Craig

CV: Former Republican senator from Idaho. Supported the Federal Marriage Amendment restricting marriage to one man and one woman. Supported Idaho's proposed ban on same-sex marriage.

Marital Status: Married to a woman with three children from a former marriage, granting Craig a wife and kids without his ever having to stick his thing in there.

Faggy Facts: In June 2007, Craig was arrested for lewd conduct after propositioning an undercover policeman in a bathroom at the Minneapolis–St. Paul International Airport by tapping his foot in a bathroom stall. After the arrest, he said he wasn't trying to proposition the undercover officer, he just had a "wide stance." Nevertheless, he pled guilty to disorderly conduct. A few weeks later, he changed his mind and tried to reverse his plea. The judge wasn't having it.

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Man who is not and has never been a homosexual seeks same for anonymous cocksucking."

Bob Allen

CV: Former Republican state representative for Florida. Consistently voted against gay rights in the Florida legislature. Supported Florida's ban on same-sex adoption.

Marital Status: Married with children.

Faggy Facts: Resigned in 2007 after being arrested for offering an undercover policeman $20 for the pleasure of sucking his cock in a men's room; later said he simply handed the large, scary black man a 20-dollar bill to "avoid becoming a statistic."

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Totally closeted homosexual and partially closeted racist seeks hot black cock, preferably served in a room that smells like pee."

George Rekers

CV: Psychologist and Baptist minister. Founding member of the virulently anti-gay Family Research Council; passionate supporter of NARTH, the quack organization hyping "conversion therapy" for gays; highly paid "expert witness" to the evils of same-sex couples being allowed to adopt.

Marital Status: Married with children.

Faggy Facts: Photographed in May 2010 returning from a European vacation with a young male prostitute, whom Rekers insisted he'd hired not for sex but to help him lift his luggage. The prostitute subsequently told the media how Rekers likes to be "rubbed down there," specifying light anal tickling.

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Established older gentleman seeks undemanding comb-over fetishists for eternal love and light anal tickling."

Richard Curtis

CV: Former member of the Washington State House of Representatives. Voted against including LGBT folks in the state's discrimination statutes. Voted against domestic-partnership rights for same-sex couple.

Marital Status: Married with children.

Faggy Facts: Resigned in 2007 after the Spokane Spokesman-Review reported on his motel-room tryst with a gay male prostitute, whom Curtis met in an adult bookstore, which Curtis visited while wearing women's apparel.

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Butch cross-dressing bear seeks hot twink to behold my shame."

Roy Ashburn

CV: Republican state senator from California. Voted against every gay-rights measure placed before him in the state senate.

Marital Status: Divorced with children.

Faggy Facts: Busted in March 2010 for DUI after driving away from a Sacramento gay bar with a male companion; seized the opportunity to renounce the closet and come out as gay. Continues to serve his constituents.

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Freshly liberated Daddy seeks sexy fun and maybe more? Designated drivers a plus."

Ed Schrock

CV: Former Republican congressman from Virginia. Cosponsored the Federal Marriage Amendment. Opposed any and all antidiscrimination rights for GLBT people, including discrimination in employment. Opposed ending "don't ask, don't tell."

Marital Status: Married with child.

Faggy Facts: Aborted his 2004 campaign for a third congressional term after being caught on tape soliciting sex on a gay-sex phone line.

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Closeted fiftysomething Luddite seeks discreet man-on-man action at your place."

WHO'S NEXT?

Lindsey Graham

CV: Republican senator from South Carolina and former air force colonel. Voted for both the Defense of Marriage Act and the Federal Marriage Amendment.

Marital Status: Unmarried.

Faggy Facts: Graham weathers constant proclamations of his hidden-in-plain-sight gayness from everyone from gay activists to far-right wingnuts, never admitting a thing. Plus, his name is Lindsey.

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Discreet older fellow seeks special man with tender fist."

Patrick Mchenry

CV: Republican congressman from North Carolina. Aggressively supports a constitutional amendment against same-sex marriage. Sponsored a resolution honoring the life and service of Jesse Helms. Proposed legislation to put Ronald Reagan on the $50 bill.

Marital Status: Married to a woman.

Faggy Facts: Incessantly denies the lifelong homosexual activity routinely ascribed to him; bought a house with a male companion; threw a fit when a guard in Iraq denied him access to a military gym.

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Doughy submissive seeks hot buff military types for you-know-what :) ."

Charlie Crist

CV: Republican governor of Florida. Supported Florida's proposed ban on gay marriage. Endorsed Florida's ban on adoption by same-sex couples.

Marital Status: Married to second wife.

Faggy Facts: Many men are happy to talk about the gay sex they've had with Charlie Crist, sometimes on film, as seen in the 2009 film Outrage; for his 2011 Senate run, Crist plans to run as a formerly Republican independent (a baby step out of the closet?).

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Fit silver fox with awesome tan and big weird teeth seeks limber twink for drilling. Discretion a must. (And, no, I'm not Charlie Crist!)"

Aaron Schock

CV: Freakishly young Republican congressman from Illinois; first member of Congress born in the 1980s. Voted against amending hate-crime laws to include GLBT folks.

Marital Status: Single, with no reports of any girlfriends ever.

Faggy Facts: Wore white pants with a teal belt and a pink-checked shirt to a White House picnic; later took to Twitter to say he burned the belt, inadvertently displaying a flamboyancy to rival Johnny Weir. The only person on this list that anyone would purposely watch do porn.

Suggested Manhunt Ad Text: "Distressingly hot GOP gay seeks same. No fatties." recommended

 

Comments (10) RSS

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1
Schock and his white hustler pants as Princess Sparkle Pony called them. I can't think of a man I know who would touch that (actually, scratch that I can but he's a transvestite with no taste). But I think there's a little girl out there who might love a translucent teal belt like that.

"Distressingly hot GOP gay seeks same. No fatties."
^ This. Oh this. Perfect. He seems like he might be kind of like bitchy cheerleader.
Posted by Sinister_Dexter on June 23, 2010 at 7:36 PM · Report this
2
You're missing Calif. Rep. David "Blow" Dreier.
Posted by TW on June 25, 2010 at 2:39 AM · Report this
Knat 3
Oh my God, that was the guy you had a photo of up on SLOG a while ago with the gayest ensemble ever worn to a barbecue? I googled him after reading Dan's Pride article, but didn't realize it was the same guy. No doubt about it, that guy be gaaaaaaaayyyy.
Posted by Knat on June 25, 2010 at 8:16 PM · Report this
4
My money's on the guy from Americans for Truth About Homosexuality who obsesses over Dan's sex life.
Posted by lilzilla on June 26, 2010 at 8:53 AM · Report this
5
How about Illinois Congressman Mark Kirk, who is not only gay but also a serial exaggerator? Perhaps his Manhunt ad could read something like this: "Enormously endowed, big medaled former twink seeks other closeted military men to exchange bodily fluids."
Posted by JayJonson on June 26, 2010 at 8:56 AM · Report this
meowmeowkitty 6
I'm hoping it's that asshole Tony Perkins from the Family Research Council (George Rekers buddy).
Posted by meowmeowkitty on June 29, 2010 at 1:26 PM · Report this
venomlash 7
In his defense, Ashburn did admit his hypocrisy and come around to supporting gay rights after he was outed.
Posted by venomlash on July 13, 2010 at 12:08 PM · Report this
8 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
mybobalu 9
These are pretty bad but there are still a lot of liberal closet cases, many of whom date women and endanger their health.
Posted by mybobalu http://artandpoetry.yolasite.com on March 5, 2012 at 1:29 PM · Report this
10
But "liberals" don't claim to be the "moral values" party.
Posted by LeighPerson on July 12, 2012 at 9:17 AM · Report this

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