Santorum and GINGRICH PHOTOS BY GAGE SKIDMORE

Here's the exciting thing about the Washington State caucuses on Saturday, March 3: Anybody can vote in any party's caucus. That means you—yes, even drug-happy, sex-positive, gay-enthusiastic, peace-loving, universal-health-care-wanting you—could have a say in who gets to be the eventual Republican presidential nominee.

In case you haven't been paying attention up till now, the Republican presidential race has been a steaming turdgasm featuring sexual harassment, the joyous applauding of state-sanctioned murder, racism, xenophobia, idiocy, anti-gay bigotry, the lusty booing of uninsured people who dare to get hit by cars, and detailed discussion of how much control the government should have over the uteruses of women. Depending on who you ask, the current front-runner is either a malevolent Ken doll with a quarter-billion-dollar personal fortune, a white supremacist with a rock-hard boner for Ayn Rand who's trying to overthrow the party using some tricky delegate math, or a gay-and-woman-hating religious demagogue who, according to internet folklore, was named after a vile, frothy mixture of lubricant and bodily fluids.

In short, the only winner of the Republican primaries to date has been Barack Obama. The more off-putting hate speech these jackasses churn out, the more moderate voters will run screaming from the Republican ticket in November. And if the Republicans at the top of the ballot are absolutely repugnant to voters, the down-ticket Republicans are likely to look worse by association. Which could mean more Democrats would win in elections nationwide, which could ensure that things like health-care reform, a woman's right to choose, and basic fucking human decency will continue to be secure for years to come. So: It is in Democrats' and progressives' best interests to want the Republican primary fight to last for as long as possible. The only thing that will ensure a very lengthy battle is if Rick Santorum or Ron Paul or Newt Gingrich keep winning caucuses and primaries, because Mitt Romney has got enough money to outlast a nuclear holocaust. And the only way Santorum or Paul or Gingrich will keep winning caucuses is if people go out and caucus for them.

So: How would someone go about caucusing with the Republicans? Caucusing is easy to do, if you're already registered to vote. You can find your caucusing location here: https://your.kingcounty.gov/elections/voterlookup.aspx. (If you're not registered to vote yet, it would be too late for you to caucus, anyway, but, and this is very important, you need to register immediately at https://wei.secstate.wa.gov/olvrsite, so you're not scrambling before the general election in November.) You'd show up at your caucus location by 10 a.m. on Saturday, March 3. (Because the check-in process can cause some delays, it'd be smarter to get there by 9:30 a.m.) You'd confirm you're a registered voter and write down your preferred candidate—this is the actual voting part—and sign a form declaring that you "consider yourself to be a Republican," and then you're in.

It would be ethically wrong to suggest that you sign this form if you do not consider yourself to be a Republican, though it's worth noting that there's no way to prove what you consider yourself to be, and that what someone considers themselves to be could be different at any given moment. And we should mention that if you were for some reason to caucus with the Republicans on March 3, you would be giving up your right to join the Democratic caucuses that happen on Sunday, April 15th. By the way—and this is apropos of nothing, I just thought I'd mention it here for no real reason—I always find it's smart to have a junk-mail-friendly Hotmail address to hand out to, say, political organizations so they don't get ahold of my normal, everyday contact information.

Inside the caucus, voters will be given an opportunity to speak on behalf of their favored candidates before an informal straw poll takes place. Someone who was trying to sell a specific candidate to the Republicans could use the following talking points as a guide:

• Rick Santorum is the only true conservative candidate in the race, and having Rick Santorum and Rob McKenna on the same ballot would send a clear message to liberals that we're done messing around with them.

• Ron Paul's ideal America is an America without Social Security, Medicare, welfare, unemployment, or a government-controlled infrastructure. Finally!

• Newt Gingrich is the most dynamic debater of all the candidates. He is the likeliest to strike out at Barack Obama all through the general election, and he's the only candidate running an unconventional campaign that keeps his opponents continually guessing about his strategy.

Discussion will follow the speeches, and then a head count will be taken. At the end of the caucusing, the whole room will select delegates to send to the county caucuses, where they will vote on delegates to send to the state Republican convention, and then on to the national convention in Tampa this August. Boy, it sure would be funny if the craziest-sounding delegates were elected! If you were to sit through all that caucusing—the whole thing should be wrapped up no later than noon—you would likely want to immediately proceed to the nearest bar and get totally shitfaced. Washington's results will be announced later in the day (check for results on Slog!) and no matter which way the state goes, you'd be sure to laugh and laugh and laugh. recommended

This article has been updated since its original publication.