8:00 CBS SURVIVOR THAILAND
Why can't they simply decide it with a machete fight to the death?
8:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY: STEVEN SEAGAL
Hollywood's thickest leading actor demonstrates how to kick ass and look like you're taking a crap at the same time.
9:00 CBS HACK
Hack, the disgraced cop turned cabbie, gets his Christmas prayers answered when he gets to beat the crap out of a crackhead.
8:00 CBS TOUCHED ON THE SWIMSUIT AREA BY AN ANGEL
A very special holiday episode--but not for Jews, okay? Just for Christians.
8:00 ABC SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER--Movie
Takes us back to the good ol' days, when Travolta wasn't the size of a house and could still cut a rug.
9:00 WB ANGEL
Angel and the gang celebrate the holidays by roasting a demon's chestnuts over an open fire.
9:00 ABC ALIAS
Sydney questions the sincerity of her mother's goodwill gesture and looks really hot.
10:00 CBS CSI: MIAMI
Horatio discovers an unwelcome surprise on Christmas day... Santa's bag is filled with bloody guts!
9:00 WB SMALLVILLE
Clark cries like a baby when his "parents" tell him all about when they found him in a cornfield.
10:30 MTV THE OSBOURNES
The Osbourne family wishes their viewers "a merry ****ing Xmas, and a bloody ****ing New Year!" Goodness, the language.
9:00 NBC THE WEST WING
Why do they always have to show repeats on Christmas day? They're TV characters, for crap's sake! They don't need vacations!
8:00 NBC FRIENDS
Chandler gets mad when Monica buys expensive boots more tanned and leathery than she is.
9:00 NBC WILL & GRACE
Jack is touched almost beyond belief when he receives a brand new bottle of lube and a tiger-striped thong.
E-mail the Creepy Wooden Puppet Fan Club at steve@thestranger.com.
