Film

This Week on TV

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON A tropical rainstorm soaks the women's tribe. Arrrrroooooo! Pant! Pant! Ka-Boinggg! Ahhh-OOOH-GAH!

9:00 WB THE SURREAL LIFE Season finale! Before the cast members can move out, they are forced to sit through Corey Feldman's ill-advised wedding.

8:00 USA AMERICAN PSYCHO--Movie Hot 'n' sexy Christian Bale stars as a yuppie serial killer in this darkly comic rendition of the Bret Easton Ellis novel.

10:00 ABC I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE! A ridiculously long title, for a ridiculously idiotic Survivor rip-off.

7:00 USA DIRTY DANCING--Movie (1987) Patrick Swayze rubs his sizable groin all over the underage Jennifer Grey.

9:30 E! STAR DATES Gary "Diff'rent Strokes" Coleman goes out on two blind (and presumably tall) dates.

8:00 FOX X-MEN--Movie (2000) A school of nerdy mutants save the world with a little help from Cap'n Picard.

9:00 ABC ALIAS Sloane captures Sydney, which means in order to save her, Vaughn is going to act like something other than a big doe-eyed puss.

10:00 CBS CSI: MIAMI Horatio races to stop a wrongful conviction, but is stymied by a horrible script and his own dreadful overacting.

9:00 FOX 24 Within the first 30 minutes of the show, Jack discovers a clue to the location of the bomb, and so decides to take the rest of the hour off.

10:00 FX THE SHIELD Claudette begins to have suspicions that perhaps Vic isn't the angelic choirboy he makes himself out to be. Hmmmm....

8:00 WB THE LONE RANGER--Movie (2003) Chad Michael Murray (Dawson's Creek) stars in this latest incarnation of the masked lawman who's also an equal opportunity employer.

10:30 MTV FRATERNITY LIFE Homoerotic shenanigans abound when jarhead frat boys pledge at SUNY Buffalo.

I make Ken Burns look like a big tub of crap. steve@thestranger.com