8:00 WB GILMORE GIRLS

Lorelai hits the roof when she discovers a boy's tongue wedged down Rory's throat!

10:00 NBC E.R.

Last year it was Alan Alda. Now, please welcome this season's washed-up celeb--Sally Field!

8:00 ABC THE BEATLES REVOLUTION

Celebrities and politicians wax poetic on the most fucking awful band that has ever existed.

10:00 COM UP IN SMOKE--Movie

(1979) Calling all dope huffers! Don't miss this classic marijuana comedy starring Cheech and Chong!

8:00 TNT E.T.--Movie

(1982) An alien visits Earth, gets chased around by the government, and hooks Drew Barrymore on coke.

8:00 TV Land GOMER PYLE MARATHON

Multiple episodes of what I'm sorry to say is one of my favorite TV shows of all time!

7:00 TNT THE WIZARD OF OZ--Movie

(1939) Color-blind girl gets rapped on the head and falls into a hallucinogenic coma.

8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS

Lisa falls head over heels for a dreadlocked tree-hugger and joins the environmental movement.

8:00 MTV EUROPEAN MUSIC AWARDS

Awww, look! The foreigners bang on a bunch of pots and call it music! Isn't that adorable?

9:00 FOX ALLY McBEAL

Ling, the object of the world's affections, causes Cage and Larry to open up a can of whup-ass on each other.

8:00 WB BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

Buffy takes on a super-strong (and super-hottie) demon to protect her lil' sis.

9:00 USA BLADE RUNNER--Movie

(1982) Lifelike robots are running amuck, and it's up to the futuristic Harrison Ford to save the day!

9:00 NBC WEST WING

President Bartlet fires everyone on his staff after losing the election to Optimus Prime!