Undermine my morals at steve@thestranger.com.

THURSDAY, APRIL 8
8:00 5 Friends: Rachel undermines the morality of children by teaching them how to smoke cigarettes.
8:00 11 Moesha-thon!: Four great back-to-back episodes of one of the PTC's favorite shows! (Hey, we don't have to disagree about everything!)

FRIDAY, APRIL 9
8:00 13 Guinness World Records: A man attempts to eat 25 metal watches. That's not smutty, that's scary!!
10:00 9 Movie: Jailhouse Rock (1957). Dead drug addict Elvis Presley sets a bad example for children by glorifying prisoners' rock 'n' roll lifestyle.

SATURDAY, APRIL 10
8:00 HBO Movie: Titanic (1997). Steamy unmarried sex situations ultimately cause the sinking of a luxury liner.
11:15 HBO Boxing: Mostly bonkers Prince Naseem Hamed (31-0, 28 KO's) fights limey nobody Paul Ingle (21-0, 15 KO's).

SUNDAY, APRIL 11
8:30 13 Family Guy: Peter smashes his car into the town satellite dish, and Stewie plots to eradicate broccoli from the planet.
10:00 BRV The Awful Truth: Debut! Michael Moore's (TV Nation) new show: humiliating fat-cat bureaucrats!

MONDAY, APRIL 12
8:30 11 RedHanded: A man is videotaped trying to steal $100 from an angry gorilla's cage.
9:00 A&E Biography: An intimate look at the life of "Heinz: the Ketchup King." Hey! It's better than that fawking Ally McBeal!!

TUESDAY, APRIL 13
6:00 VH1 Divas Live '99: A live concert featuring Cher, Whitney, Brandy, and Tina. (Plus backstage bickering, hair-pulling, and screaming over who has the best dressing room!)
10:00 4 NYPD Blue: Lil' Ricky Schroeder turns into Mr. Cranky Pants after accidentally knocking up his g-friend.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14
9:00 9 Great Composers: Tonight, the life of Mozart, including expert commentary and musical excerpts tracing the evolution of his... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
10:00 4 David Blaine: Magic Man: The only magician other than Penn & Teller I can stand! (Hold it... I forgot about Doug Henning.)