Food & Drink

Uneeda Eat This Immediately (If Not Sooner)

The Glory of the Heavily-Adjectivally-Modified Beef

Uneeda Eat This Immediately 
(If Not Sooner)

Kelly O

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If any adorable raccoons or waterfowl are reading this, take a moment to heave a furry or feathery sigh of relief. Unlike every other bar, eatery, cafeteria, boutique, nail salon, RadioShack, locksmithery, and baseball diamond recently constructed in the greater Seattle area, there is ZERO taxidermy at Fremont's Uneeda Burger. Unless ground-up cow stuffed into a sesame seed bun and reclining on a plate in a pose of edibility counts as taxidermy. Which it DOESN'T. It counts as delicious.

Housed in a converted garage (the name is reportedly a holdover from Uneeda Get Your Engine Fixed Engine Repair or whatever), Uneeda Burger's decor is quietly stylish without being overthunk. No crouching beasts, no splintery reclaimed lumber, no twee Dewey decimal drawers. Just chairs, tables, the occasional rusted auto parts sign (authentic, you see!), garage doors to be thrown open in summertime, and an appealing be-picnic-tabled outdoor patio. On a recent 40-degree Tuesday afternoon, the outdoor tables were occupied despite the frigidness, with patrons shoving burger chunks through cinched-up hood holes. Which brings me to the burger chunks. Let us discuss.

The menu at Uneeda Burger (the latest in the Zoe/Quinn's family) opens with a brief novella: "Our burgers are made with all-natural Painted Hills beef. Sub out Whidbey Island Crescent Harbor 100% Wagyu (Kobe) Grass-Fed beef for an additional $3.00/$4.00." Whidbey Island Crescent Harbor 100% Wagyu (Kobe) Grass-Fed beef!? That's ten extra words fancying up that patty! It's saying: This cow ate only sweet grasses and sunshine. This cow was massaged daily by sexy cow concubines. This cow slept each night on a feather bed, spooning with the emperor of Whidbey Island himself. This cow moos rainbows. But could this cow really taste a whole $3 better than your average upper-middle-class suburban cow? This was the perfect opportunity to combine my three main interests in life: blindness, taste tests, and hamburgers. SCORE.

We ordered two burgers, sticking with the basics: the Classic, an absurdly reasonable $4—with the heavily-adjectivally-modified super-patty surcharge bringing burger number two to $7—plus bacon ($1.50) and cheddar cheese (75¢). When the burgers came out, the obliging cashier placed a secret slip of paper beneath each plate, denoting which was made with the regular Painted Hills beef and which was the magical rainbow-mooing royal beef of the gods. Would we be able to tell?

Now, either I'm totally good at being blind or OH MY FUCKING GOD IT WAS SO OBVIOUS. First of all, let me say that both burgers were excellent. Nothing wrong with relatively well-off suburban cows. Painted Hills, A+. HOWEVER. The Wagyu burger was a revelation. I mean literally like the book of Revelation, like eight flaming man-goats descended on fiery Segways and beat me in the face with their righteous swords of deliciousness. Luckily, I left before they turned all the milk shakes (local Empire Ice Cream, hand dipped, $5, with lots of extra in the tin cup) to blood. Jerks.

The Wagyu patty was soft without being insubstantial, drippier, darker, and beefier than its counterpart. The Wagyu burger made you forget that ketchup exists. Seriously, it was so good. If my mother were a cow, I would still eat this hamburger. If I were a hamburger, I would eat this hamburger. If I were this hamburger, I would eat myself. (I would also like to take a moment to thank Uneeda Burger for recognizing the perfect simplicity of a sesame seed bun. Dear every restaurant in the world ever: I am not a pit bull. Please stop forcing me to break my jaw on a leathery ciabatta roll when all I want is a fucking BUN.)

That said, there are reasons (beyond the extra charge) not to upgrade your patty. Specifically, Uneeda Burger's cray-cray menu of one-third-pound "Signature" burgers. It would be foolish to smother such platonic beef beneath the Philly Smash (charred peppers and onions, Gruyère, special sauce, $7.75), the BBQ Smash (charred onions, bacon, cheddar, barbecue sauce, $8.50), the Sonora (roasted chili relish, jack cheese, cilantro, $8), or—god-for-fucking-bid—the Madame (Black Forest ham, Gruyère, Dijon-mayo, truffled shoestring potatoes, AND A FUCKING FRIED-ASS EGG, $9). Why a person who is not caught up in some Jason Statham–esque Crank-type situation (wherein they have to keep their calorie count above 50,000 per day or else their heart will implode—don't steal that, Hollywood) would EVER need to eat a hamburger with actual ham on it, I will never understand. I have never been eating a ham-and-egg breakfast sandwich and thought to myself, "You know what would really make my morning meal complete? If there were a great big dripping ground-beef puck stuck in here, too!" But one thing I do know—piling all that stuff on top of a Wagyu magic patty should be against the law. When I'm in charge, it will be (2012, you guys—write me in).

Oh, and also, aside from the chocolate milk shake (AWESOME, even though it was technically a black-and-white, which I usually do NOT condone), everything else was kind of legit gross. Onion rings ($4) were battered so thickly they resembled Krispy Kreme doughnuts with a fryer-fat glaze of visible grease. And a small Cobb salad ($5)—despite a promising abundance of hard-boiled egg—was weirdly both sweet and bitter, with a dressing reminiscent of frozen Minute Maid lemonade concentrate. We picked out the bacon and left the rest. But you know what? Guess how much I cared? Zero. Zero much. I am smitten with another.

Whidbey Island Crescent Harbor 100% Wagyu (Kobe) Grass-Fed Beef, will you accept this rose? recommended

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Comments (37) RSS

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1
Pile on the adjectives AND the toppings!! Seriously.. this sounds so good: I'm always in the market for a new burger :) (Read: I'm there!)

Sam

twitter.com/search_beacon
Posted by SearchBeacon on February 9, 2011 at 12:00 PM · Report this
2
Pile on the adjectives AND the toppings!! Seriously.. this sounds so good: I'm always in the market for a new burger :) (Read: I'm there!)

Sam

twitter.com/search_beacon
Posted by SearchBeacon on February 9, 2011 at 12:03 PM · Report this
JF 3
Dear Lindy,

Too late.

Yours,

Hollywood.
Posted by JF on February 9, 2011 at 12:13 PM · Report this
4
Shamelessly omitted from the review: the great beer selection and the delicious poutine made with waffle fries (don't tell anyone from Montreal, though).
Posted by Sean P. on February 9, 2011 at 2:11 PM · Report this
5
Also, their veggie burgers are MADE OF TASTY. They make them in house, and they're often vegan - ask, as they occasionally use egg (or maybe that was just the first try).
Posted by Zalsoa on February 9, 2011 at 4:21 PM · Report this
6
Uneeda Burger is just about perfect. For about $18 (including tax and tip) you and your date can get two classic burgers with cheese, two sodas from the extensive soda collection and split an order of the crispy waffle fries.

The aforementioned waffle fries are delicious, but so are the onion rings. Pat the rings with a napkin to absorb some of the grease and bite into the perfectly fried onion. See how it doesn't slide out of the batter? Yeah.

The thing about Uneeda isn't just the food. It's the little things. Like having two bathrooms, a pint glass full of knives for cutting your burger and a pour-your-own water station.

Did I mention the shakes? Just wonderful. It's a hand-dipped, real chocolate five-dollar-shake in a world that thought five-dollar-shakes were expensive 16 years ago (yes, Pulp Fiction came out 16 years ago).

Yes, it's just a burger shack. But it's damn near perfect. Uneeda, I <3 you.
Posted by shybutdeterminedtopost on February 9, 2011 at 4:32 PM · Report this
7
@5: Ditto on the veggie burger. They call it a "crunchy grain [something]" burger. Not actually crunchy, but homemade and perfectly spiced and definitely vegan and fucking delicious.

The "signature menu" includes one set of vegan toppings, but the veggie patty can be subbed into any signature option, plenty of which are vegetarian.

(Still, if I ever eat meat again, it's probably going to be that straight-up wagyu thing Lindy's got me drooling about.)
Posted by d.p. on February 9, 2011 at 4:42 PM · Report this
8
Lindy, please come for a food tour of Chicago. I will host. You can stay on my couch (btw, I am a nice, normal young lady).
Posted by The Cap'n on February 9, 2011 at 6:25 PM · Report this
zeebleoop 9
i wasn't impressed. tasted like the same thing i could get at red mill. considering what mister staples does with a burger at quinn's, i expected some a little less - ho hum.
Posted by zeebleoop on February 9, 2011 at 8:12 PM · Report this
Travis Ritter 10
The spurm burger that babies were made of. Swallow, don't spit.

Lindy, you really made my stomach move.

Posted by Travis Ritter http://nuglifer.wordpress.com on February 9, 2011 at 9:39 PM · Report this
freesandbags 11
Mooooooosan. Nomnomnom.
Posted by freesandbags on February 9, 2011 at 9:42 PM · Report this
Texas10R 12
"Unlike every other bar, eatery... there is ZERO taxidermy..."

Lindy West declares the presence of taxidermy in the hallowed warmth of Red Mill Burgers.

I say, Not fucking likely.

[New to Seattle? Visit 312 North 67th St
(206) 783-6362 or redmillburgers.com]
Posted by Texas10R on February 10, 2011 at 6:04 AM · Report this
care bear 13
"reclining on a plate in a pose of edibility"

LOVE
Posted by care bear on February 10, 2011 at 12:39 PM · Report this
chimsquared 14
Anyone have the guts to tell Cheryl Waters and Rachel Flotard they are the no longer the badest-ass women in Seattle? Lindy, it's you.
Posted by chimsquared on February 10, 2011 at 1:42 PM · Report this
15
Uneeda > Blue Moon > Red Mill.
Posted by Jeff on February 10, 2011 at 2:15 PM · Report this
birdy num num 16
lindy, i have asked before and i ask again "MARRY ME?"!

ok, just let me say this about this burger, ANYBODY but the overrated red mill. seriously, too expensive and the bacon is NEVER fresh. so, uneeda is my new pal...!
Posted by birdy num num on February 10, 2011 at 11:21 PM · Report this
jfljoe 17
Worst taxidermy intro to an article ever.
Posted by jfljoe on February 11, 2011 at 1:09 PM · Report this
Joe Szilagyi 18
Sexy burger.
Posted by Joe Szilagyi on February 11, 2011 at 4:57 PM · Report this
Amnt 19
I live in Fremont so I'll have to check this out. I like Red Mill, but the line is way too long to justify going there. Nice to hear they have a good veggie burger as I don't do beef patties. What about other meats? (they don't seem to have a website or I'd check myself).
Posted by Amnt on February 11, 2011 at 5:20 PM · Report this
20
I used to feel that way about ham on burgers. Then I went somewhere up in Everett that had a cheeseburger with ham and kielbasa on it, and tried it out of morbid curiosity combined with ravening hunger. Since then, ham on my burger = yes please.
Posted by Russell http://lovinglyhandmadepornography.com on February 11, 2011 at 7:00 PM · Report this
I Heart Flan! 21
DO THEY HAVE A VEGGIE PATTY?
Posted by I Heart Flan! on February 11, 2011 at 8:38 PM · Report this
22
Flan-hearter:

See @5, @7.
Posted by d.p. on February 12, 2011 at 1:13 AM · Report this
Parsnip 23
Yes. Chocolate syrup in a vanilla milkshake is not a chocolate milkshake. It is a vanilla milkshake with chocolate syrup in it.

I thought I was the only person who had the time and inclination and lack of real problems to form an opinion on the subject. Thanks, Lindy!
Posted by Parsnip http://www.funnyanimalbooks.com on February 12, 2011 at 12:58 PM · Report this
24
Am I the only one that finds Red Mill Burger to be way over rated?
Posted by Senor Guy on February 12, 2011 at 4:01 PM · Report this
25
I've now eaten at Uneeda Burger twice.
Both burger were ok.
Even the Waygu Beef burger wasn't heaven.
If you want a burger, go.
But don't expect the best burger of your life.
BTW, the Skinny Fries and Chopped Salad were disappointing.

Posted by Fremonstr on February 12, 2011 at 4:40 PM · Report this
Amnt 26
Just got done eating a burger from there, they totally mixed up my order.

I ordered a Classic with wagyu beef, bacon and cheese for the wife, BBQ burger with chicken for myself, and waffle fries to share. This was a to-go order, so I didn't see anything until I got home and opened it up. The wagyu burger didn't have cheese or bacon on it. Instead of a BBQ chicken burger, mine was a regular beef burger with cheese and bacon. I wasn't going to go all the way back over it and make a big deal, but it was pretty annoying. Mine was pretty decent, though they went overboard on the sauce mixed with lettuce and I think Red Mill has better bacon. The wife found the wagyu to be tasty, but not really worth the extra cost. Fries were pretty good, but nothing special.

I'll go back again sometime and give them another shot, but make sure they give me the right thing next time...
Posted by Amnt on February 12, 2011 at 6:03 PM · Report this
GlamB0t 27
No offense, but from your last post, you might have wanted to try the salad. Just sayin.....
Posted by GlamB0t on February 13, 2011 at 11:40 AM · Report this
razorclammer 28
Good stuff!! This review made me laugh. On a serious note:

"Please stop forcing me to break my jaw on a leathery ciabatta roll when all I want is a fucking BUN"

A to the motherfucking MEN. I've eaten way too many expensive patties served on chewy dense (otherwise good) rolls. Fuck that shit. Bun me.
Posted by razorclammer on February 13, 2011 at 10:37 PM · Report this
29
Went this weekend and it was incredible -- thanks, Lindy!
Posted by TasteTheRainbow on February 14, 2011 at 8:25 AM · Report this
fannerz 30
@4: YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT OUR SECRET DELICIOUSNESS?
Hahah... but wow. Waffle fries poutine... Cawliss c'est bon! ;)
Posted by fannerz on February 14, 2011 at 11:57 AM · Report this
31
Once again, Seattle food snobs show that they don't know anything about burgers. I haven't had a better burger than 5 Guys...period.
And yes, I have eaten at Uneeda. It was meh.
Posted by Burger Lover on February 14, 2011 at 1:22 PM · Report this
michael strangeways 32
I went last night...I spent $12 on a meal that was uninspired at best. I would rather have eaten at McDonalds...better fries and frankly, their Angus burger is better than this alleged Kobe burger.

Also: the place was full of kids under the age of 8 and their hipster parents. Nothing wrong with kids or parents, but it was a shock seeing so many of them at once...I don't eat off the Hill very often.
Posted by michael strangeways http://www.seattlegayscene.com/ on February 14, 2011 at 3:22 PM · Report this
33
Stop eating this stuff, chubby.
Posted by Udon is Tasty, too on February 15, 2011 at 1:53 PM · Report this
34
This is the post I find when I click on your name after your post about how you've tried, SO HARD, to lose weight. I guess you think you deserve that fatfest. For trying SO HARD for a day and a half and not seeing any results. Fattie.
Posted by fattieseatfat on February 15, 2011 at 9:12 PM · Report this
35
He he he...hey Beavis, Lindy loves pit bulls as much as Dan.
Posted by Approaching 40 in LA on February 15, 2011 at 9:53 PM · Report this
36
Tried their basic burger and it wasn't good enough to go back for.
Even though they cook their burgers "medium" mine dripped blood on the bun which was gross and my friend had to get his redone because it was so undercooked.
Bottom line, not good.
And to the writer, saying "fucking" and going over the top on the language doesn't help the review. It really distracts from the issue.

When I want a burger, that's all I want. Lunchbox travesty etc. just doesn't cut it. They scream, "Look at me" just like that episode of Seinfeld where he is wearing the fur and carrying a purse.

Posted by meatloaf on February 27, 2011 at 9:47 AM · Report this
kerfuffle 37
Went to Uneeda this weekend. It was good. It wasn't anything to throw a fit over. I would go back for a plain wagyu burger because the beef was damn tasty, but not worry about the fries. Nothing to write home about. I was kind of bummed that I paid Lunchbox Lab Price (literally, my bill was $2 less than a meal for two at LL) and my first bite didn't cause my eyes to roll back in my head and me to make mouthgasm noises.
Posted by kerfuffle on March 14, 2011 at 3:55 PM · Report this

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