When I learned people put Icy Hot on their junk for sexual purposes, I thought, wouldn't it be hellishly painful, like getting oral from a piece of duct tape? And then I thought: What if I've just discovered a new way to stave off Old Man Winter? I texted the most pain-loving person I could think of, who confirmed searing pain is the desired effect. I then did some googling—I believe the phrase I searched was "Icy Hot on cunt."

The first thing that turned up was a YouTube video of a group of young guys (none of whom appeared to have cunts) sitting around in a room with a couch, a Confederate flag, a bowling trophy, and a framed picture of a couch. They explained they were all going to put Icy Hot on their balls. One announced, "I'm gonna rub it all over my wiener and everything." They all scooped the ointment between their legs and then sat on their couch under their couch photo. It hit all of them at once, and the only guy who didn't run for the bathroom said, "I put it on my leg. They're dumbasses."

I found one YouTube video starring a woman who applied Icy Hot without knowing what it was. She also claimed she bought it at "The Stupid Store." She hopped around looking alarmed, but she didn't seem turned on at all.

In hopes of finding some more risqué Icy Hot videos, I did the same search on XTube. In a video called "Electro Icy Hot Mummy," a man wrapped entirely in duct tape lay on the floor, breathing through a plastic tube. He looked like the cocoon of some kind of giant exotic sex butterfly. A hole was cut in the tape to expose his cock and balls, which were soon ushered into an electrical device. He moaned and wiggled as he was shocked—in great enjoyment, judging by the state of said cock. Then his exposed parts were slathered in Icy Hot, causing more moaning and wiggling.

I found a few more XTube videos of boys repurposing Icy Hot, but no ladies. One woman's answer to "Will Icy Hot Hurt the Vagina?" on Yahoo Answers was that it caused her to run around the apartment "butt ass naked" sticking frozen objects between her legs. I read that even if you enjoy pain, Icy Hot is absolutely not to be used internally, no matter how erotically mummified or surrounded by frozen objects you are. Nor should it be applied to mucous membranes, which probably explains the dearth of Icy Hot cunt videos. Nonetheless, I had two questions to answer—is it fun to put Icy Hot on your junk, and does it keep you warm in cold weather?

I picked up some Icy Hot from Bartell Drugs. As I'm not a masochist, I worried it wouldn't turn me on, so I also went to Babeland and got a lube with a warming effect from a brand called Emerita. I put a bit of it on the back of my hand and blew on it as the box suggests, and indeed it magically warmed up. The box informed me it's made with cinnamon bark—a festive touch.

To help gauge the warming/seasonal appropriateness of these products, I decided to get the gold standard of cold weather items: a pumpkin spice latte. Zeitgeist Coffee has good ones, so I went there. Ordering pumpkin spice lattes always feels to me like asking for an appletini or one of those shots with "nipple" in the name. I actually felt less embarrassed covering my crotch with Emerita in the bathroom. I waited excitedly for the warmth I'd felt on my hand in the store, but nothing happened. I tried to blow on it, but I'm simply not flexible enough to do that effectively in Zeitgeist's bathroom. I did, however, get some in my mouth, and it tasted nearly as good as my latte (which was delicious).

I was a little afraid of the Icy Hot. As I rubbed a dab onto the most peripheral spot possible, I thought, "How much will this hurt?" I braced myself for a red-faced hobble out of the cafe. I made it back to my seat before it kicked in, and it was... actually pretty exciting. I was very glad I had used a tiny amount and had researched where it should and shouldn't go. It was a bit like the feeling in your chest when you take a shot of nice whiskey. I was somewhat turned on, but I couldn't tell whether it was because of the Icy Hot, or because I was doing something weird in public. I certainly didn't notice the cold when I left.