July 15, 2011

WE GET IT, YOU LIKE “HUNNY”

Winnie the Pooh Is a Baby’s Movie

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Winnie the Pooh
dir. Stephen J. Anderson and Don Hall

What the fuck is this new Winnie the Pooh “movie” doing in theaters? It’s barely an hour long! It’s not a movie, it’s an animated distraction to keep kids from literally climbing up the walls for 70 minutes while their parents attempt to catch their breath and pretend raising a child is not driving them absolutely insane.

Not only is Winnie the Pooh not an actual movie, it’s not even a kid’s movie. It’s a baby’s movie. It’s far too boring to keep your eight-year-old content—all the eight-year-olds in the crowd will lose interest 20 minutes in, after Winnie the Pooh whines for the fiftieth time that he’s hungry. (WE GET IT, YOU LIKE “HUNNY.” Now make something explode.)

Stranger Personals

Winnie the Pooh is for the four-and-under crowd, my friends, and you know what four-year-old babies do in movie theaters? They squirm and pee and ask a lot of questions and RUN UP AND DOWN THE AISLES and scream for more candy and soda even though it’s 11:30 in the morning.

“What’s that?” they’ll say when Pooh and friends try to replace Eeyore’s tail with a cuckoo clock. “What’s he doing that for?” they’ll ask when Tigger does something that Tigger does. And you don’t even have to answer them, because they don’t care what the answers are. They don’t care about anything. They’re four!

They don’t care that Eeyore lost his tail, they don’t care where Christopher Robin went and if some imaginary monster called a Backson is cooking him up into little-British-boy soup, they don’t care that Winnie still hasn’t found any honey to eat, or that She & Him are singing unbearably (heh) cute songs about Pooh’s adventures. They just want to complain about how Sour Patch Kids hurt their tongue and then keep eating them anyway while they poop in their diapers and watch something shiny splash across the screen.

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Did Louis CK write this movie review?

Seriously, Megan, if you have kids start a blog about it. I would read the shit out of that.

Posted by lukeiscool on July 15, 2011 at 1:59 PM · Report

Megan, you are an idiot. I think that's the first time I've used that term on Slog. A reviewer of a children's movie must be expected to know ANYTHING about children's movies and also what is age-appropriate for different ages.

Anyone with kids instantly knows that Winnie the Pooh is for the pre-K set. That's true of the books as well. For many pre-K kids, this will be their first in-theater movie experience ever. The length of the movie is appropriate, and the running and talking are expected and obvious. (Except to the clueless.)

Eight-year-olds are far too sophisticated for that kind of thing. They are reading and watching things like the Princess Bride, James and the Giant Peach, Monsters Inc., etc. Clone Wars, etc.

Duh.

Posted by Simac on July 15, 2011 at 3:58 PM · Report

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STRANGER EDITORS: If you have an interest in reaching out to that percentage of your readership with children, assign the task of writing about matters relating to parenting or children to someone who knows fuck-all about either category. Written evidence of Megan's keen grasp of the obvious is as exciting as the contents of a diaper: you don't know exactly what you're going to get, but you know it's going to be shit.

Posted by HOT PUSSY

on July 17, 2011 at 1:59 PM · Report

This review is only the culmination of a terrible trend. Why does The Stranger refuse to review any films which are not about groups of stuffed animals--and why does it review those films so poorly, using opinions which disagree so strongly with my own? This is a travesty. I will be returning my subscription fee post-haste, you can be sure of that.

Posted by Fistique on July 18, 2011 at 11:02 AM · Report

Also, to go along with the theme of Megan knowing nothing about children here, most (maybe all?) developmentally normal 4 year olds are out of diapers. Also, my 4 year old asks questions because he cares about the answers and can sit still for an hour without screaming or running (because that would be inappropriate behavior for a 4 year old in a movie theater).

Posted by raggeddog on July 18, 2011 at 12:59 PM · Report

This was a great movie.

Period.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on July 18, 2011 at 1:00 PM · Report

@5 - The Stranger has no interest in reaching out to readers with small children. The writers on Slog are mostly interested in condescending to parents and ridiculing them and their ridiculously fucking annoying children (why the fuck would anyone with young children ever take them out of the house, right?). Also, Slog writers were never children themselves. Their incredibly talented and accomplished parents picked them up when they were 19 from the world's most cynical cabbage patch.

Posted by raggeddog on July 18, 2011 at 1:05 PM · Report

YEAH Stranger, what's wrong with you writing a funny review of a Winnie the Pooh movie? As a dad I am so offended that you made me laugh and stuff. I'm so cranky I could use a nap! Just like most everyone else here.

IT'S WINNIE THE FUCKING POOH PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!

Posted by nusa on July 19, 2011 at 1:13 PM · Report

This is like calling the kettle black. We get it Megan, you like candy bars.

Posted by DuhDuhDuhDuh on July 19, 2011 at 1:23 PM · Report

Also, I love a snarky review by the Stranger every single time. And I also love snark directed toward children. But Megan has no idea what she's talking about. My almost-three-year-old does not act like the above, and she does care about the answers to questions. That's why she asks them. Also she hasn't pooped into a diaper in about year. Oh, and also, she doesn't beg to eat pies baked into cupcakes.

Posted by DuhDuhDuhDuh on July 19, 2011 at 1:30 PM · Report

Boy, take a well-deserved potshot at the diapers and Gerber crowd, and watch the hunny hit the fan! Ms. Seling, I like your style and hope you keep up the good work. You know the old saying: "Every time you insult a baby, God laughs."

Posted by ron_in_PDX on July 19, 2011 at 2:03 PM · Report

#7 and #9 - well put. I have a four year old, and yes, he is out of diapers and yes, he sits still and asks questions. For fuck's sake.

Posted by StrangerFan on July 20, 2011 at 7:01 AM · Report

I thought this movie was pretty awesome, I went with my boyfriend and we both cracked up several times! =)

Posted by Mudkips on July 20, 2011 at 9:07 AM · Report

Yep, my four y.o. could actually sit still, ask questions (and give a shit about the answers), and keep from crapping in his pants quite well. Unlike many of the writers for The Stranger, it seems.

Posted by Looking For a Better Read on July 20, 2011 at 12:29 PM · Report

this is an awesome fucking review. i have a three-year old daughter and a six year old daughter, and even though i suspected my six year old is too old for this movie, AND my three year old hasn't worn diapers in quite awhile, i can't stop laughing. and now i know for sure not to bring my six year old to this movie. SO THIS REVIEW IS A WIN WIN. if you other parents don't like this review, read the fucking Times and shut up.

Posted by becca4444 on July 20, 2011 at 5:15 PM · Report

Apparently, having children causes the brain's sarcasm centers to shut down.

Posted by schmacky on July 21, 2011 at 11:42 AM · Report

Eeyore just keeping it real.

Posted by bouncyhouse on July 21, 2011 at 12:12 PM · Report

I have little kids and thiught this review was pretty funny. It was a lot better than that dumb fuck who wrote the restaurant review complaining that the baby screeching made her hangover hurt. That shit was fucking idiotic. This review, however: decent. Except that, of course and as pointed pout previously, four-year-olds don't wear diapers. Duh.

Posted by Sat'n on July 22, 2011 at 10:34 AM · Report

I think it looks cute. And I appreciate that there's a hand-drawn kids movie that's not total sensory overload--its a good way to introduce kids to going to the theater, and the parents won't be bored to death because its adorable.

Posted by sallybobally on July 22, 2011 at 5:53 PM · Report