Worst Popes Ever
A Brief and Completely True History of the Catholic Church
kathryn rathke
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If there's one thing our current pope loves besides Jews (just kidding!), it's grown men who touch little boys' buttholes. He can't get enough of grown men touching little boys' buttholes! He loves grown men touching little boys' buttholes so much that when he finds out one of his homeys has been fiddling around back there with the genitals of a child who was just looking for guidance and care from a trusted adult, he sends them on an all-expenses paid permanent vacation to a new town filled with all-new, untouched little boys' buttholes! Allegedly! What a kook! So. Is John Ratzenberger the worst pope ever? Let's take a look back through history and FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT.
Saint Peter (?–?)
Stranger Personals
Invented this shit. Excruciating at dinner parties. Never stopped talking about his "book deal." Chronic interrupter.
Pope Anicetus (154–167)
More like Pope Anus-eat-us! Am I right? Am I... hmmmmm. "Traditionally martyred." Bummer. Sorry for that thing I said about your anus.
Pope Formosus (891–896)
This guy was such a jerk that a year after he died, his successor dug him up and put his corpse on trial for the "crime" of being a shitty pope. For real. Google it. Formosus foolishly insisted on representing himself at his trial. Rookie mistake. His putrid and desiccated skin sack, being neither alive nor a lawyer, was unable to convince the assembly of his nonshittiness. They cut off his fingers, tossed his already dead body into the Tiber River, pulled him out, and buried him again. Later, just for laughs—there was a lot of downtime in the ninth century—they exhumed him again, tried him again, and chopped his head off. His tombstone reads "At Least He Never Touched a Little Boy's Butthole."
Pope Sergius III (904–911)
Oh, hey! Look! It's the dude who ordered the second exhumation and posthumous beheading of Pope Formosus (see above)! That's arguably the most hilarious dick move in the history of tumescence. Sergius, being a go-getter, also had his archenemy, Pope Leo V, strangled about the neck to death (maybe) and founded an era of popedom called the "pornocracy" or "rule of the harlots." Plus, he liked to wear something called the "papal tiara." So what you're saying is that he was basically a super-fabulous gay Larry Flynt with a great sense of humor who only maybe murdered a guy one time? Fuck it. Best pope ever.
Pope Lando (913–914)
History's turncoatiest pope. Sold his best friend to a bounty hunter for a couple of lousy space-bucks. Loved Colt 45. Died like immediately.
Pope John XII (955–964)
Much like cheap sheet cake and Jeremy Piven, this one seemed like an okay dude at first. John XII was descended from Charlemagne—pretty cool, right?—and minstrels sung far and wide that his beard was likened unto the downy haunches of a fetal lamb. Tight. Except oh, snap! What a dick! According to the Patrologia Latina (which was written before fiction was invented, so you know it's all true):
He had fornicated with the widow of Rainier, with Stephana his father's concubine, with the widow Anna, and with his own niece, and he made the sacred palace into a whorehouse. They said that he had gone hunting publicly; that he had blinded his confessor Benedict, and thereafter Benedict had died; that he had killed John, cardinal subdeacon, after castrating him; and that he had set fires, girded on a sword, and put on a helmet and cuirass. All, clerics as well as laymen, declared that he had toasted to the devil with wine. They said when playing at dice, he invoked Jupiter, Venus and other demons. They even said he did not celebrate Matins and the canonical hours nor did he make the sign of the cross.
Okay. I don't really give a care about the widow of Rainier, or public hunting, or cardinal subdeacon John's testicles. But the rest of that shit? It's like he wasn't even TRYING! Was he high? Did someone forget to tell him he was the pope? Because I'm pretty sure that "Don't turn the sacred palace into a whorehouse" is on page one of the rule book and "Don't toast to the devil in front of the clerics" is on PAGE FUCKING TWO. Also, take off that stupid cuirass, John XII. You look like a goddamn warrior princess.
Pope Benedict IX (1032–1048)
Born Theophylactus of Tusculum (which, as everyone knows, is also the name of the muscle that keeps your butthole closed), Dick-9 was—according to some other jerks—a rapist, a murderer, a dog-maker-lover-to, and "the only man ever to have sold the papacy." Wikipedia sums up his greatest hits:
St. Peter Damian described him as "feasting on immorality" and "a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest" in the Liber Gomorrhianus. The Catholic Encyclopedia calls him "a disgrace to the Chair of Peter"... Pope Victor III, in his third book of Dialogues, referred to "his rapes, murders and other unspeakable acts. His life as a pope so vile, so foul, so execrable, that I shudder to think of it."
Held no qualms about cutting in line.
Pope Innocent IV (1243–1254)
Invented bitter beer face. Tortured pilgrims or something.
Pope Boniface VIII (1294–1303)
Panty-raider.
Pope Alexander VI (1492–1503)
Oh, Borgia pope! You crazy! Here's just the short list: bribed his way into office with "four mule-loads of silver"; stacked the entire government with his own kin; just murdered whoever all the time; probably gave the go-ahead to enslave the indigenous peoples of the New World (cool idea!); literal werewolf; would eat your leftovers without asking "just 'cause," even if you put a Post-it note on them; possibly boned his own daughter. As Lorenzo de Medici famously remarked: "Now we are in the power of a wolf, the most rapacious perhaps that this world has ever seen. And if we do not flee, he will inevitably devour us all. Also, what happened to my chicken tikka? I left it right here in the work fridge. I put a Post-it on it, you guys! You guys! Boooooorgiaaaaaaaa!!!" Ironically, eventually killed by a silver bullet crafted from his own mule-load of silver (see above)—thereby coining the popular expression "killed by a silver bullet from your own mule-load."
Chelsea Pope (1989–1993)
My next-door neighbor growing up. Bitch borrowed my VHS copy of Beauty and the Beast and then never gave it back. She denied everything, her mom had a fight with my mom, total shit-show. Also captured and sold Hittite women into slavery in the southern Mediterranean for the carnal pleasures of the landed gentry. Mostly, I'm just mad about that VHS thing.
Pope Benedict XVI (2005–present)
The word "pope" is Spanish for "dad" (look it up), but this li'l Ratzcal is more like an uncle. Like the uncle who didn't care if his THOUSANDS OF FRIENDS CAME OVER AND TOUCHED YOU ON YOUR BUTTHOLE. Jesus Christ. Worst pope ever. 
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Also, Boniface's tantrums via Papal Bull are some of the most hilariously childish things in all of Papal history.
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I love all of these stories of popes killing other popes to be pope. And that crazy Satan-toasting pope was only 18! How do you get to become a satanic pope at 18? I mean, really. So awesome.
Also, the more I write pope, the funnier the word seems. Pope, pope, pope.
that was mean. I'm a Catholic and I love Pope Benedict. I'll be anxiously awaiting you piece next week about how Mohammed was a pervert... oh, sorry... I doubt that will be published because you're probably too much of a pussy to take on the Muslims, but it's okay to bash what is sacred to us Catholics. What a double standard piece of shit the Stranger is. Maybe you could tell me to "lighten up" and "it's just a joke", but jokes are only funny if you're not the butt of them.
Pro
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Spot the redundancy.
Also, Pro, go eat some Jesus flesh and wash it down with blood.
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I'm neither Catholic (THANK GOD!!!!) nor of Muslim faith, and although I agree that it sucks to get bashed, the Catholic Church has been openly corrupt since the dawn of Time.
Just because something might be considered sacred doesn't necessarily mean it's right.
nice to see that history is good press. anyway, i must object the authors'
interpretation of the origin of the words pope and father
the word pope comes to us in english from the latin 'papa' which comes to us from the greek, pappas-
please understand that in spanish, portuguese, and italian (not sure about french or romanian and i want to forget anything greek related)
the word for the pope is 'papa' but the word for 'pope' is normally is stressed on the first syllable
while papa (daddy) is stressed on the second. this is pretty much a linguistic truism-
i can say this with a whole heart because
i am a native spanish/portuguese speaker, and speak fluent italian and english.
noe while i agree that there is no doubt a very heavy handed patriarchical history in the
catholic, orthodox and the other christian religions-
and have always been partial to the credo about hanging noblemen with the entrails of the clergy.......
in effect your last comment is completely wrong -
in spanish (and in the other latin languages)
the two words (pope and father)
1. do not mean the same thing
2. are not used the same way
3. in some cases they are in fact even written differently
more importantly, no native speaker of spanish, or any other romance language would ever mistake the two words, no matter the common root.
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but language is culture. and i dont want my culture trashed
yes- papa is used in parts of latin america (mine) as the word for potatoe- but since it is not universal in latin i chose not to include it in my comment on the article.
actually, it is pronounced like 'papa as in pope'
with the accent on the first syllable
as opposed to papa as in father
this is a very specific term, and limited to certain parts of latin america only.
in other words it can't be said to be a value as far as latin languages go- not even spanish in its 24 forms.
but hey, lets give one to the author:
lets change that last line to:
in certain parts of latin america, the word for potatoe and the word for pope are written and pronounced identically.
and yet they might just be the same thing!
WHO COULD COMMENT BETTER THAN THIS COMMENTATOR?
MAYBE A COMMON TATOR?
IN MY LIFE...I HAVE NEVER...
COMMENTED LIKE THIS.
PLEASE, KEEP COMMENTING.
LESTER COLODNY
WHO COULD COMMENT BETTER THAN THIS COMMENTATOR?
MAYBE A COMMON TATOR?
IN MY LIFE...I HAVE NEVER...
COMMENTED LIKE THIS.
PLEASE, KEEP COMMENTING.
LESTER COLODNY
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Lando.
Bishop of Rhymes.
YES.
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55
Quit taking yourself so seriously, or get off Slog...
Too funny, Lindy West! If I wasn't a queer, I'd want to marry you! I haven't laughed so hard since the SITC2 review!
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the words for father and pope are not the same in spanish.
this is a fact.
you have not done your research correctly and have sadly been misinformed.
another fact.
here comes an opinion:
please try and not insult someone else's language by
pretending you comprehend it. or repeating someone else's miscomprehension
hey #55 OutInBumF:
as far as your little ultimatum goes:
i'm not on facebook, twitter, classmates or myspace or whatever.
i don't take myself seriously at all. not enough at least.
but i think, and spea my mind
which is what i think bothers you
as far as me getting off slog:
are you a moderator? an administrator?
do you somehow maintain this website?
no, you are not. no, you don't.
i think i have just as much a right to comment here as you do.
on top i think you are an asshole.
i have read a lot of nazi style shit here on the strangers website-
but it would have never occured to me to say to someone:
CHANGE OR LEAVE
#55 OutInBumF you really have lost all critical perspective
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The word "cuirass" doesn't get used nearly enough these days. Thanks, Lindy West!
Goddamn East Coast bias
your sense of humor is kick-ass, keep up the good work. hell i'm not even in Seattle anymore and i'm still reading this shit 'cause it's great. and it's free.
Being Pope is a dirty job, but someone simply must do it.
Try and remember that the Roman Catholic church is just a continuation of the Roman Empire.
Julius Caesar once served as Pontifex Maximus and now it's simply Benny's (formerly of the Hitler Jugend)turn. You get all of Rome's glory, philosopies, perversions, excesses, etc. along with a great deal of their ancient ceremonies, but with presumably better music. Such a deal. The Eastern Churches merely continue the Byzantine Empire, so with all their ancient wonderfulness, they are much more relaxed about sex, including gay sex.
It's my theory that hip young sophisticates are a little bit ashamed of the western Christianity of which we are all a part against our will. Sort of like having a dirty old mom who turns tricks for beer money and you don't want the country club committee to find out.
But face it, we live in Christendom and we are all children of Western Christian Civilization, whether Jew or Gentile, Atheist, or Agnostic (so quaint). The other choice is the world of Islam, in which I understand pederasty (and similar acts with underage animals) is not exactly unknown. Unfortunately, on your way to join up with their brand of wackiness, keep in mind that they are strapping on the dynamite to blow our chic alors western asses to their Kingdom Come, where we serve them as their slaves for all eternity. Sweet!
So instead of picking on poor old Benny, wish him well in his quest to end the present plaque of boy-buggery and get the Roman clergy back to more socially acceptable sins. Also try and remember that the Roman Catholic Church was apparently hiring gays when precious few other organizations would.
commandment 11 --- Thou Shalt love lift up and laugh with the children.
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Pretty sure this wasn't meant to "improve relations between Catholics and non-Catholics". How any moral person can remain Catholic these days in beyond me. Remember--your money is going to an organization that knowingly shelters pedophiles and still refuses to bring them to justice.
"You'd be hard pressed to find a Catholic who excuses the horrible things that have happened to children.."
Really?!?! Like this Pope and the last one, who minimized what was happening, covered it up, and cry over police actions that attempt to bring these pedos to justice? Or, what about the culture of secrecy that exists in the Vatican? Or like how the Catholic League says there is "no pedophile crisis" and blames GAY PEOPLE instead of pedo priests? And how the Church supported him, in a document read out from the Holy See in 2009, saying that it wasn't pedophilia but homosexuality that was the problem? Or how a bishop in Spain said that it wasn't really pedophilia because these 13-year old boys are asking for it? (and yes, he's still got his job.) Lile how the articles in the Papal newspaper blame the media and acts like the Pope's the victim? Or--in the most insulting move yet--HOW WOMEN PRIESTS ARE NOW IN THE SAME LEVEL OF 'SIN' AS PEDOPHILES??? Because women wanted equal treatment are totally the same as child-rapists, ammirite?
The actions of this Church at every level have been criminally self-serving, ridiculously immoral and fatally presumptuous. This church doesn't deserve to continue. And, hopefully, the lawsuits and public outrage will force it out of the business of fleecing it's 'flock' for good.
Sometime about 150 years ago, the popes stopped running countries and commanding armies and decided to concentrate mostly on church matters.
Religions survive because people find them useful, so they tune out the occasional folly and hypocrisy of their leaders. Same with governments.
Also by Lindy West
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