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Worst Popes Ever

A Brief and Completely True History of the Catholic Church

Worst Popes Ever

kathryn rathke

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BENEDICT XVI
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INNOCENT
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ALEXANDER VI

If there's one thing our current pope loves besides Jews (just kidding!), it's grown men who touch little boys' buttholes. He can't get enough of grown men touching little boys' buttholes! He loves grown men touching little boys' buttholes so much that when he finds out one of his homeys has been fiddling around back there with the genitals of a child who was just looking for guidance and care from a trusted adult, he sends them on an all-expenses paid permanent vacation to a new town filled with all-new, untouched little boys' buttholes! Allegedly! What a kook! So. Is John Ratzenberger the worst pope ever? Let's take a look back through history and FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT.

Saint Peter (?–?)

Invented this shit. Excruciating at dinner parties. Never stopped talking about his "book deal." Chronic interrupter.

Pope Anicetus (154–167)

More like Pope Anus-eat-us! Am I right? Am I... hmmmmm. "Traditionally martyred." Bummer. Sorry for that thing I said about your anus.

Pope Formosus (891–896)

This guy was such a jerk that a year after he died, his successor dug him up and put his corpse on trial for the "crime" of being a shitty pope. For real. Google it. Formosus foolishly insisted on representing himself at his trial. Rookie mistake. His putrid and desiccated skin sack, being neither alive nor a lawyer, was unable to convince the assembly of his nonshittiness. They cut off his fingers, tossed his already dead body into the Tiber River, pulled him out, and buried him again. Later, just for laughs—there was a lot of downtime in the ninth century—they exhumed him again, tried him again, and chopped his head off. His tombstone reads "At Least He Never Touched a Little Boy's Butthole."

Pope Sergius III (904–911)

Oh, hey! Look! It's the dude who ordered the second exhumation and posthumous beheading of Pope Formosus (see above)! That's arguably the most hilarious dick move in the history of tumescence. Sergius, being a go-getter, also had his archenemy, Pope Leo V, strangled about the neck to death (maybe) and founded an era of popedom called the "pornocracy" or "rule of the harlots." Plus, he liked to wear something called the "papal tiara." So what you're saying is that he was basically a super-fabulous gay Larry Flynt with a great sense of humor who only maybe murdered a guy one time? Fuck it. Best pope ever.

Pope Lando (913–914)

History's turncoatiest pope. Sold his best friend to a bounty hunter for a couple of lousy space-bucks. Loved Colt 45. Died like immediately.

Pope John XII (955–964)

Much like cheap sheet cake and Jeremy Piven, this one seemed like an okay dude at first. John XII was descended from Charlemagne—pretty cool, right?—and minstrels sung far and wide that his beard was likened unto the downy haunches of a fetal lamb. Tight. Except oh, snap! What a dick! According to the Patrologia Latina (which was written before fiction was invented, so you know it's all true):

He had fornicated with the widow of Rainier, with Stephana his father's concubine, with the widow Anna, and with his own niece, and he made the sacred palace into a whorehouse. They said that he had gone hunting publicly; that he had blinded his confessor Benedict, and thereafter Benedict had died; that he had killed John, cardinal subdeacon, after castrating him; and that he had set fires, girded on a sword, and put on a helmet and cuirass. All, clerics as well as laymen, declared that he had toasted to the devil with wine. They said when playing at dice, he invoked Jupiter, Venus and other demons. They even said he did not celebrate Matins and the canonical hours nor did he make the sign of the cross.

Okay. I don't really give a care about the widow of Rainier, or public hunting, or cardinal subdeacon John's testicles. But the rest of that shit? It's like he wasn't even TRYING! Was he high? Did someone forget to tell him he was the pope? Because I'm pretty sure that "Don't turn the sacred palace into a whorehouse" is on page one of the rule book and "Don't toast to the devil in front of the clerics" is on PAGE FUCKING TWO. Also, take off that stupid cuirass, John XII. You look like a goddamn warrior princess.

Pope Benedict IX (1032–1048)

Born Theophylactus of Tusculum (which, as everyone knows, is also the name of the muscle that keeps your butthole closed), Dick-9 was—according to some other jerks—a rapist, a murderer, a dog-maker-lover-to, and "the only man ever to have sold the papacy." Wikipedia sums up his greatest hits:

St. Peter Damian described him as "feasting on immorality" and "a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest" in the Liber Gomorrhianus. The Catholic Encyclopedia calls him "a disgrace to the Chair of Peter"... Pope Victor III, in his third book of Dialogues, referred to "his rapes, murders and other unspeakable acts. His life as a pope so vile, so foul, so execrable, that I shudder to think of it."

Held no qualms about cutting in line.

Pope Innocent IV (1243–1254)

Invented bitter beer face. Tortured pilgrims or something.

Pope Boniface VIII (1294–1303)

Panty-raider.

Pope Alexander VI (1492–1503)

Oh, Borgia pope! You crazy! Here's just the short list: bribed his way into office with "four mule-loads of silver"; stacked the entire government with his own kin; just murdered whoever all the time; probably gave the go-ahead to enslave the indigenous peoples of the New World (cool idea!); literal werewolf; would eat your leftovers without asking "just 'cause," even if you put a Post-it note on them; possibly boned his own daughter. As Lorenzo de Medici famously remarked: "Now we are in the power of a wolf, the most rapacious perhaps that this world has ever seen. And if we do not flee, he will inevitably devour us all. Also, what happened to my chicken tikka? I left it right here in the work fridge. I put a Post-it on it, you guys! You guys! Boooooorgiaaaaaaaa!!!" Ironically, eventually killed by a silver bullet crafted from his own mule-load of silver (see above)—thereby coining the popular expression "killed by a silver bullet from your own mule-load."

Chelsea Pope (1989–1993)

My next-door neighbor growing up. Bitch borrowed my VHS copy of Beauty and the Beast and then never gave it back. She denied everything, her mom had a fight with my mom, total shit-show. Also captured and sold Hittite women into slavery in the southern Mediterranean for the carnal pleasures of the landed gentry. Mostly, I'm just mad about that VHS thing.

Pope Benedict XVI (2005–present)

The word "pope" is Spanish for "dad" (look it up), but this li'l Ratzcal is more like an uncle. Like the uncle who didn't care if his THOUSANDS OF FRIENDS CAME OVER AND TOUCHED YOU ON YOUR BUTTHOLE. Jesus Christ. Worst pope ever. recommended

 

Comments (85) RSS

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wondergus 1
Pope John XII sounds awesome. I'm going to invoke Jupiter and Venus the next time I really get going at a party.
Posted by wondergus on June 2, 2010 at 11:00 AM · Report this
2
This is funny as shit
Posted by Iconostential on June 2, 2010 at 12:24 PM · Report this
3
Clearly written by a Catholic.
Posted by GeorgK on June 2, 2010 at 12:38 PM · Report this
4
Aw, nothing about the "Ballet of the Chestnuts?" I'm disappointed.
Also, Boniface's tantrums via Papal Bull are some of the most hilariously childish things in all of Papal history.
Posted by -ink on June 2, 2010 at 1:06 PM · Report this
5
To be subtitularly referred to as "We here at The Stranger take our jobs very seriously. Very."
Posted by funny on June 2, 2010 at 1:38 PM · Report this
Timmytee 6
Bless you, Lindy.
Posted by Timmytee on June 2, 2010 at 1:41 PM · Report this
venomlash 7
Actually, "dad" is "papá" and Pope is "Papa" in Spanish. And "potato" is also "papa"! But Pope is a masculine noun and potato is a feminine noun; hence, "el Papa" for the pope and "la papa" for the potatoes.
Posted by venomlash on June 2, 2010 at 2:01 PM · Report this
Purocuyu 8
this is one of the best things I've read in...at least 2 hours. Well done. I love papal humor.
Posted by Purocuyu http://littlevictorygarden.tumblr.com on June 2, 2010 at 2:03 PM · Report this
9
Don't forget that Benedict XVI was also a member of the Hitler Youth! That guy is too legit to quit.
Posted by ThrupennyBit on June 2, 2010 at 2:04 PM · Report this
10
Lol @ Pope Lando!!!
Posted by jns on June 2, 2010 at 2:25 PM · Report this
I'm 85 Years Old 11
it'd be better if we could get a better look at those sweet illustrations
Posted by I'm 85 Years Old on June 2, 2010 at 2:28 PM · Report this
12
You did a total disservice to Pope Lando there, Lindy. It's well-documented that he was forced to betray his buddy to protect the people of Cloud Vatican City.
Posted by Ben on June 2, 2010 at 2:42 PM · Report this
onion 13
i've been depressed lately. i wish lindy would just write a 600 page novel and i could just read her for a few days. would cheer me the fuck up.
Posted by onion on June 2, 2010 at 2:53 PM · Report this
14
No mention of Pope Innocent III? The Albigensian Crusade was a legendary papal dick move, among many dick moves organized by this bastard.
Posted by Reg on June 2, 2010 at 2:58 PM · Report this
Vince 15
Lindy, you are priceless! WORD!
Posted by Vince on June 2, 2010 at 3:16 PM · Report this
slake 16
I fuckin love Lindy.
Posted by slake on June 2, 2010 at 3:41 PM · Report this
Grant Brissey, Emeritus 17
@11: Now you can.
Posted by Grant Brissey, Emeritus http://www.grantropolis.com/ on June 2, 2010 at 3:54 PM · Report this
18
The Dave Barry of Gen Y. I'll let you decide if that's a good thing.
Posted by 311_TruthMovement on June 2, 2010 at 4:13 PM · Report this
I'm 85 Years Old 19
Hoorah!
Posted by I'm 85 Years Old on June 2, 2010 at 4:22 PM · Report this
Pope Urbane 20
Glad to not make the list! I'm the one true Pope and am available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. I can also a Mohel and would be glad to work on your little boy a bit. Also available for pediatric prostate exams. Ha! just kdding! Haven't done a wedding in years.
Posted by Pope Urbane on June 2, 2010 at 4:37 PM · Report this
21
FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Posted by valkontos on June 2, 2010 at 5:37 PM · Report this
Canadian Nurse 22
So funny! Also, now I'm reading Wikipedia, it's scary how little you made up...

I love all of these stories of popes killing other popes to be pope. And that crazy Satan-toasting pope was only 18! How do you get to become a satanic pope at 18? I mean, really. So awesome.

Also, the more I write pope, the funnier the word seems. Pope, pope, pope.
Posted by Canadian Nurse on June 2, 2010 at 7:17 PM · Report this
23
Lindy, I just read your SATC2 review a couple of days ago and now THIS?!? I'm going to die laughing...
Posted by Michaelaranda on June 2, 2010 at 8:00 PM · Report this
24
Lindy,

that was mean. I'm a Catholic and I love Pope Benedict. I'll be anxiously awaiting you piece next week about how Mohammed was a pervert... oh, sorry... I doubt that will be published because you're probably too much of a pussy to take on the Muslims, but it's okay to bash what is sacred to us Catholics. What a double standard piece of shit the Stranger is. Maybe you could tell me to "lighten up" and "it's just a joke", but jokes are only funny if you're not the butt of them.

Pro
Posted by pro on June 2, 2010 at 11:01 PM · Report this
Pizzaman 25
@pro, it's not a joke. These popes over the years have wreaked havoc on the people who have trusted them, have been pronouncing bullshit, have been torturing heretics who believed that the earth orbited the sun, stifling free thinking, trashing other religions, acquiring wealth at the expense of poor people, and condoning exploitation of youngsters, not to mention insulting the women of the world to this day. It's not the Stranger that is a duplicitous piece of shit. It's the Holy Father, Pro. You should look into Allah or one of those other dudes who might offer you 72 Virgins for your trouble, and hose off the Pope.
Posted by Pizzaman on June 3, 2010 at 1:11 AM · Report this
26
This is eye-wateringly, gut-ache-inducingly good. You funny.
Posted by leslied33 on June 3, 2010 at 7:57 AM · Report this
27
"Demon from hell in the disguise of a priest."

Spot the redundancy.

Also, Pro, go eat some Jesus flesh and wash it down with blood.
Posted by Schick on June 3, 2010 at 10:06 AM · Report this
Dan 28
Hey Pro, Popes and the INSTITUTION that is the Catholic Church are the butt of the joke, not Catholics. You're are either stupid or Pope Benedict XVI.
Posted by Dan on June 3, 2010 at 10:07 AM · Report this
29
You forgot Pacelli who started Nazi Germany with his Jesuit spies.
Posted by Douglas Brehm on June 3, 2010 at 10:57 AM · Report this
30
hilarious (and factually correct!) article, but a "worst popes ever" list is kinda like a "worst dictators ever" or "worst natural disasters in third world countries" list--not making the list doesn't really absolve it of blame...
Posted by bookfraud on June 3, 2010 at 11:10 AM · Report this
31
Aaaah thank you Lindy. This is gold.
Posted by Jamez on June 3, 2010 at 12:41 PM · Report this
32
Ho hum. With all the real papal action in the world, why did you feel you had to make up lame stuff? Where are the anti-popes? The female pope? The pope who was found dead with a red-hot poker in his bum???
Posted by squabmeat on June 3, 2010 at 1:09 PM · Report this
33
Lindy West = National Treasure. We are so lucky to have you writing here.
Posted by Proof on June 3, 2010 at 1:40 PM · Report this
34
THANK YOU, LINDY!!!!!

@33: I second that!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on June 3, 2010 at 4:43 PM · Report this
35
@24: Pro, are you also an unmarried and childless virgin?

I'm neither Catholic (THANK GOD!!!!) nor of Muslim faith, and although I agree that it sucks to get bashed, the Catholic Church has been openly corrupt since the dawn of Time.

Just because something might be considered sacred doesn't necessarily mean it's right.
Posted by auntie grizelda on June 3, 2010 at 4:51 PM · Report this
36
Alright! Everyone quit ganging up on Pro. There is plenty of room in our fair city for dissenting opinions...Room for everyone except that bitch Chelsea...Fuck her!
Posted by Christian M B on June 3, 2010 at 6:20 PM · Report this
37
She stole your "Beauty and the Beast" tape? Sacriligious!!
Posted by Xweety on June 3, 2010 at 8:22 PM · Report this
38
Boniface was totally a panty-raider. But that mf could drink - and touch a mean butthole on a good night.
Posted by jtripper22 on June 3, 2010 at 10:20 PM · Report this
39
@36: Fair enough.

I agree to disagree.
Posted by auntie grizelda on June 3, 2010 at 10:21 PM · Report this
40
hello seattle only weekly
nice to see that history is good press. anyway, i must object the authors'
interpretation of the origin of the words pope and father
the word pope comes to us in english from the latin 'papa' which comes to us from the greek, pappas-
please understand that in spanish, portuguese, and italian (not sure about french or romanian and i want to forget anything greek related)
the word for the pope is 'papa' but the word for 'pope' is normally is stressed on the first syllable
while papa (daddy) is stressed on the second. this is pretty much a linguistic truism-
i can say this with a whole heart because
i am a native spanish/portuguese speaker, and speak fluent italian and english.
noe while i agree that there is no doubt a very heavy handed patriarchical history in the
catholic, orthodox and the other christian religions-
and have always been partial to the credo about hanging noblemen with the entrails of the clergy.......
in effect your last comment is completely wrong -
in spanish (and in the other latin languages)
the two words (pope and father)
1. do not mean the same thing
2. are not used the same way
3. in some cases they are in fact even written differently

more importantly, no native speaker of spanish, or any other romance language would ever mistake the two words, no matter the common root.
Posted by on_the_lake on June 3, 2010 at 10:22 PM · Report this
Lindy West 41
@7 and @40: Bonkers! You don't say! Did you notice any OTHER factual errors in this extremely factual article?
Posted by Lindy West on June 3, 2010 at 10:30 PM · Report this
42
Best Pope?
Carol, of course. From the 80's band Rough Trade?
Hello? Is this thing on?
Posted by Ram Punchington on June 3, 2010 at 10:34 PM · Report this
43
you can poke as much fun at the 'pope' as much as you like- i won't bother with that.

but language is culture. and i dont want my culture trashed

yes- papa is used in parts of latin america (mine) as the word for potatoe- but since it is not universal in latin i chose not to include it in my comment on the article.
actually, it is pronounced like 'papa as in pope'
with the accent on the first syllable
as opposed to papa as in father

this is a very specific term, and limited to certain parts of latin america only.
in other words it can't be said to be a value as far as latin languages go- not even spanish in its 24 forms.

but hey, lets give one to the author:

lets change that last line to:

in certain parts of latin america, the word for potatoe and the word for pope are written and pronounced identically.
and yet they might just be the same thing!
Posted by on_the_lake on June 3, 2010 at 11:12 PM · Report this
44
MY COMMENTS?
WHO COULD COMMENT BETTER THAN THIS COMMENTATOR?
MAYBE A COMMON TATOR?
IN MY LIFE...I HAVE NEVER...
COMMENTED LIKE THIS.
PLEASE, KEEP COMMENTING.
LESTER COLODNY
Posted by LESTER COLODNY on June 4, 2010 at 4:15 AM · Report this
45
MY COMMENTS?
WHO COULD COMMENT BETTER THAN THIS COMMENTATOR?
MAYBE A COMMON TATOR?
IN MY LIFE...I HAVE NEVER...
COMMENTED LIKE THIS.
PLEASE, KEEP COMMENTING.
LESTER COLODNY
Posted by LESTER COLODNY on June 4, 2010 at 4:16 AM · Report this
46
Its like a 12yo wrote this.
Posted by Oasis on June 4, 2010 at 2:43 PM · Report this
47
I guess I just don't know what's funny any more.
Posted by J.A. O' Foley on June 4, 2010 at 7:57 PM · Report this
DeaconBlues 48
Lando was also the name of a Bishop in Germany in the seventh century. He was the bishop of a region called Rheims.

Lando.

Bishop of Rhymes.

YES.
Posted by DeaconBlues http://radzillas.blogspot.com/ on June 4, 2010 at 8:54 PM · Report this
49
Paul deserves much more blame than Peter. You should have included him; even though he wasn't a pope, the Catholic Church was basically his creation. But why quibble, you have written a monument...this penetrating and erudite historyy will without doubt replace the Catholic Encyclopedia as the final word on the Church.
Posted by chaszz on June 4, 2010 at 9:53 PM · Report this
50
well thats probably because popes are not funny.
and neither is misinformation.
Posted by on_the_lake on June 4, 2010 at 10:32 PM · Report this
51
I love you.
Posted by aho_matsuri on June 5, 2010 at 12:50 AM · Report this
Danrilor 52
I will hold in my laughter until next week when you poke some holes in the hypocritical pretensions of the protastant reformers like that wicked Martin Luther and that twit Calvin (and give John Wesley a kick for good measure). The Catholic Church isn't the sole reason why it sucks to be gay.
Posted by Danrilor on June 5, 2010 at 6:29 AM · Report this
jasonzenobia 53
Popetacular!
Posted by jasonzenobia http://jasonzenobia.blogspot.com/ on June 5, 2010 at 12:12 PM · Report this
DeaconBlues 54
t 41: It's almost as though you're incapable of determining when someone is being sarcastic!
Posted by DeaconBlues http://radzillas.blogspot.com/ on June 5, 2010 at 9:02 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 55
Hey, On-The-Lake-
Quit taking yourself so seriously, or get off Slog...
Too funny, Lindy West! If I wasn't a queer, I'd want to marry you! I haven't laughed so hard since the SITC2 review!
Posted by OutInBumF on June 5, 2010 at 9:38 PM · Report this
56
el papa es papa - the pope is a potato! aaaahahahaha!
Posted by phx on June 6, 2010 at 11:38 AM · Report this
57
OMG I wish you hadn't stopped there.There were so many bad popes. This calls for another article.I really enjoyed that!
Posted by dani girl on June 6, 2010 at 6:40 PM · Report this
58
People wondering how a Devil-toasting priest can at age 18 become pope: the pope used to be appointed by the Emperor and then the Holy Roman Emperor. It wasn't until later that this whole thing of having cardinals pick the pope came about.
Posted by IowaIan on June 7, 2010 at 9:02 AM · Report this
59
Usually I really enjoy reading The Stranger's articles about silly frivolous things, but articles like this do nothing to improve relations between Catholics and non-Catholics. The article has several errors, makes a mockery of the Papacy by inventing new popes to mock and is extremely offensive overall. You'd be hard pressed to find a Catholic who excuses the horrible things that have happened to children (if such a Catholic even exists), but such a mean-spirited, over-the-top attack is unnecessary and not journalism. I (and other Catholics) fully support investigating the scandal and bringing things to the public relevant to it, but this doesn't do either, it's just mean.
Posted by amorse on June 7, 2010 at 10:02 AM · Report this
60
this is hi-fucking-larious!!!
Posted by margasaur on June 7, 2010 at 10:08 AM · Report this
61
Lindy West, your writing is prostituted by your vulgar "anal" use of words, which to me is as offensive as the anal actions of some perverted human beings. You could improve your use of words by reading articles by San Francisco columnist/author Mark Morford.
Posted by Carinana on June 7, 2010 at 11:07 AM · Report this
rock bottom 62
Silly and puerile. I'm certainly not an apologist for the Catholic church, but Lindy, you're better than this.
Posted by rock bottom on June 7, 2010 at 1:45 PM · Report this
63
@62 Unfortunately, she isn't.
Posted by St Tom is a quaint ass on June 7, 2010 at 8:11 PM · Report this
64
to the author:
the words for father and pope are not the same in spanish.
this is a fact.
you have not done your research correctly and have sadly been misinformed.
another fact.

here comes an opinion:
please try and not insult someone else's language by
pretending you comprehend it. or repeating someone else's miscomprehension

hey #55 OutInBumF:
as far as your little ultimatum goes:

i'm not on facebook, twitter, classmates or myspace or whatever.
i don't take myself seriously at all. not enough at least.
but i think, and spea my mind
which is what i think bothers you

as far as me getting off slog:

are you a moderator? an administrator?
do you somehow maintain this website?

no, you are not. no, you don't.

i think i have just as much a right to comment here as you do.

on top i think you are an asshole.

i have read a lot of nazi style shit here on the strangers website-

but it would have never occured to me to say to someone:

CHANGE OR LEAVE

#55 OutInBumF you really have lost all critical perspective
Posted by on_the_lake on June 7, 2010 at 9:06 PM · Report this
BrandonBurt 65
Historical hilarity! I love it when alt-weeklies get hold of smart humorists.

The word "cuirass" doesn't get used nearly enough these days. Thanks, Lindy West!
Posted by BrandonBurt http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/blogs-1-1-1-44.html on June 7, 2010 at 10:29 PM · Report this
66
Yet, you obvious biased, fail to mention the good and decent Popes there have been. Not to mention that most true Catholics are God fearing. Not that you could uderstand what "God fearing" means. Thanks for reminding me why I do NOT waste my time with a wanna be real newspaper like this. Actually, I hear it makes pretty good toilet paper.
Posted by Tyto on June 8, 2010 at 12:59 PM · Report this
67
How Innocent IV make this list, and my man Innocent III not!?!? Who else could have called for a Holy Crusade against Christians?
Goddamn East Coast bias
Posted by Tino on June 8, 2010 at 8:49 PM · Report this
68
"Pope" DOES come from the greek for father, pappas. spanish and the "romance" languages are not the only ones out there, guys. do a little research (errr the dictionary) before fingering lindy's mistake.
Posted by koke on June 9, 2010 at 9:15 AM · Report this
69
This article was really disappointing. I read the SATC2 review and was prepared for something original, funny, I don't know...not this. Plus saying something is factual, and then seeing how little of it is factual (and certainly not placed in context) was also disappointing.
Posted by acerbica2010 on June 9, 2010 at 9:19 PM · Report this
70
You folks need to start listening to EWTN.com. Seriously. There is a Hell, and believe me, you ain't gonna like it one bit. forever.
Posted by peter1589 on June 9, 2010 at 10:36 PM · Report this
71
@70: Why, are you going there?
Posted by auntie grizelda on June 10, 2010 at 12:01 AM · Report this
Grant Brissey, Emeritus 72
@69: I'm sorry.
Posted by Grant Brissey, Emeritus http://www.grantropolis.com/ on June 10, 2010 at 3:51 AM · Report this
73
they wear big hats and pretty dresses and live a palace filled with gaudy gold decorations. yeah its a big surprise the pope protects pedophiles.
Posted by frankblack357 on June 13, 2010 at 5:15 AM · Report this
74
Lindy, you're fucking awesome. Seriously, could you write a book or something, or do stand up? between this and the SATC2 review i've become maybe your #8 fan or something.

your sense of humor is kick-ass, keep up the good work. hell i'm not even in Seattle anymore and i'm still reading this shit 'cause it's great. and it's free.
Posted by mark5791 on June 19, 2010 at 11:13 AM · Report this
75
Lindy my dear,

Being Pope is a dirty job, but someone simply must do it.

Try and remember that the Roman Catholic church is just a continuation of the Roman Empire.

Julius Caesar once served as Pontifex Maximus and now it's simply Benny's (formerly of the Hitler Jugend)turn. You get all of Rome's glory, philosopies, perversions, excesses, etc. along with a great deal of their ancient ceremonies, but with presumably better music. Such a deal. The Eastern Churches merely continue the Byzantine Empire, so with all their ancient wonderfulness, they are much more relaxed about sex, including gay sex.

It's my theory that hip young sophisticates are a little bit ashamed of the western Christianity of which we are all a part against our will. Sort of like having a dirty old mom who turns tricks for beer money and you don't want the country club committee to find out.

But face it, we live in Christendom and we are all children of Western Christian Civilization, whether Jew or Gentile, Atheist, or Agnostic (so quaint). The other choice is the world of Islam, in which I understand pederasty (and similar acts with underage animals) is not exactly unknown. Unfortunately, on your way to join up with their brand of wackiness, keep in mind that they are strapping on the dynamite to blow our chic alors western asses to their Kingdom Come, where we serve them as their slaves for all eternity. Sweet!

So instead of picking on poor old Benny, wish him well in his quest to end the present plaque of boy-buggery and get the Roman clergy back to more socially acceptable sins. Also try and remember that the Roman Catholic Church was apparently hiring gays when precious few other organizations would.

More...
Posted by Homer Dogue on June 20, 2010 at 10:16 PM · Report this
76
commandment 10 --- Thou Shalt Not Kill
commandment 11 --- Thou Shalt love lift up and laugh with the children.
Posted by Ms.Killer.Bee on July 3, 2010 at 1:14 AM · Report this
77
Oh yawn.
Another trendy brat trying to be witty and inspired.
What is your age again?
Posted by Doodseattle on July 30, 2010 at 10:47 AM · Report this
78
dude, lindy, you are awesome.
Posted by new york state of mind on August 5, 2010 at 8:00 AM · Report this
cyranothe2nd 79
@59,

Pretty sure this wasn't meant to "improve relations between Catholics and non-Catholics". How any moral person can remain Catholic these days in beyond me. Remember--your money is going to an organization that knowingly shelters pedophiles and still refuses to bring them to justice.

"You'd be hard pressed to find a Catholic who excuses the horrible things that have happened to children.."

Really?!?! Like this Pope and the last one, who minimized what was happening, covered it up, and cry over police actions that attempt to bring these pedos to justice? Or, what about the culture of secrecy that exists in the Vatican? Or like how the Catholic League says there is "no pedophile crisis" and blames GAY PEOPLE instead of pedo priests? And how the Church supported him, in a document read out from the Holy See in 2009, saying that it wasn't pedophilia but homosexuality that was the problem? Or how a bishop in Spain said that it wasn't really pedophilia because these 13-year old boys are asking for it? (and yes, he's still got his job.) Lile how the articles in the Papal newspaper blame the media and acts like the Pope's the victim? Or--in the most insulting move yet--HOW WOMEN PRIESTS ARE NOW IN THE SAME LEVEL OF 'SIN' AS PEDOPHILES??? Because women wanted equal treatment are totally the same as child-rapists, ammirite?

The actions of this Church at every level have been criminally self-serving, ridiculously immoral and fatally presumptuous. This church doesn't deserve to continue. And, hopefully, the lawsuits and public outrage will force it out of the business of fleecing it's 'flock' for good.
Posted by cyranothe2nd on August 6, 2010 at 5:53 PM · Report this
80
In medieval Europe, nations were weak and the church was the only well-knit institution. Popes were unelected political leaders, serving for life like kings, and as such, they dealt with badasses by being badder asses. This accounts for, but doesn't excuse, some of this immoral behavior. Look how many of these jerks served between 800 and 1300 A.D., until about the time European nations started to get better organized, and Europeans better educated and informed.
Sometime about 150 years ago, the popes stopped running countries and commanding armies and decided to concentrate mostly on church matters.
Religions survive because people find them useful, so they tune out the occasional folly and hypocrisy of their leaders. Same with governments.
Posted by stevefla on July 14, 2011 at 4:54 PM · Report this
81
I don't think anyone would leave their underage son with you either, Lindy.
Posted by Copper on March 13, 2013 at 2:32 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 82
Popes were very much Roman Emperors without armies.. Power corrupted the hell out of them.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on March 13, 2013 at 4:21 PM · Report this
83
Lindy - you still rock. Though you needn't mock the super bowl, I still love you. Miss you from these pages, but enjoy the new stuff too.
Posted by DawginExile on March 13, 2013 at 4:33 PM · Report this
84
I can't wait for your roast of Jews next. I mean, since it wouldn't be misconstrued as ant-semitism or bigotry and all...
Posted by freedom o'religion on March 13, 2013 at 4:59 PM · Report this
Pridge Wessea 85
@84 - Jews have a Pope?
Posted by Pridge Wessea on March 13, 2013 at 8:20 PM · Report this

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