You Better Say Sorry! by Todd Mokhtari

After reading last week's debut installment of Leslie Miller's brilliant new column, Rambling Filler with Leslie Miller, Q13 news director Todd Mokhtari called to offer his two cents. His comments were so eloquent we decided to give him a column of his very own. For the first installment of his brilliant new column, You Better Say Sorry by Todd Mokhtari, we'll use the message Todd left on The Stranger's voice mail last week. Enjoy!

"My name is Todd Mokhtari and I'm the news director at Q13, and I want to talk to you about a legal issue that I have with your paper about a byline by Leslie Miller, which was never written by her, never got permission, not a word was said by her, and you, you know, used her picture.... I'm sure you're going to hear from the Tribune Company attorneys, as well as from me. THIS ONE REALLY CROSSES THE LINE!"

Previously in New Column!

Thank you, Scott, for that riveting report on the sleeping man accidentally dumped into a garbage truck. I must admit that's always been a fear of mine, waking up to find myself tumbling from a Dumpster into a trash compactor just waiting to crush my hips like pretzels. Ow! Thankfully, I've never had a broken bone, but I have stubbed every one of my toes. Omigod--the worst was this time I was at a reception for Craig T. Nelson, the guy who played Coach on Coach, whom I've always thought was kinda attractive in an icky sort of way, and I was wearing these open-toe sandals, which were just adorable. Where are those? Anyway, Craig T. Nelson walks by and I think, "Okay, Leslie, it's now or never!" and I race around the buffet table. But before I get to him, this woman steps in front of me and it's Goldie Hawn! I'm so surprised I slam my foot into a table leg and scream something that isn't fit for broadcast, if you know what I mean, and Craig T. Nelson looks at me and Goldie Hawn looks at me and my toes are bleeding and I just want to die! So... yeah. Sleeping in Dumpsters is a terrible thing. Back to you, Scott.

From the Sep 28 - Oct 4, 2000 issue

Hi, Kids! Boy, my brain is just tingling with excitement over today's puzzle. Do you know what a "rebus" is? That's when you try to figure out a sentence using a series of picture clues! Here's an example!

The answer is SCREWBALL! Ha! Ha! Get it?? Hey, that's pretty funny, all right! Now. Using a pencil and paper, write down today's super secret message by decoding the pictures below! And whooo! Let me tell you, it's a jim dandy! You'll find the correct answer for today's puzzle below--but no peeking! 'Cause if you do, I may have to declare a fatwa! HA! Just kidding! HAVE FUN!

Today's Answer: Whatever be your goal, keep your eyes on the donut, and not the hole.

Gee! You're Brainy! with the Ayatollah Khomeini |

From the Sep 21 - Sep 27, 2000 issue

Ahhhh... goddamn that's sore. Oooh, yeah, right there. I have no idea what the hell I did to it, but it is REALLY sore. It's like the whole area is tender! But especially along here. See? Ouch! Yep, that's it, all right. Right there!

What did I do yesterday? We didn't... I mean, I was at the studio all day, right? How could it get so sore? We shot a few opening scenes, no stunts... I didn't even break a sweat. The whole thing lasted 20 minutes, tops. I sat around and talked to Patrick for a while afterward, but that was it.

Can you use BenGay for something like this? It won't hurt it or burn in any way, will it? What about around the... the... I mean, the skin is probably pretty sensitive there, isn't it? One thing's for sure--I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I can't even turn over without it starting to throb. I can't see all the way under there myself. Turn on the light, will you? Can you take a look at it? Is it bruised or discolored in any way? Bring that light over and look at it up close. God, it's just killing me!

Ow! Jesus! Leave it alone! I told you it hurts there! Yes, RIGHT THERE. Okay, fine. FINE. Just don't push it like that. OW! You have to be gentle! OWWW! CHRIST! WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP PUSHING ON IT?!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PRESS IT LIKE THAT! You think you'd like it if I did that to you? It hurts like hell! You know it's sore! Why do you keep messing with it? You're making it worse! OWW!! GODDAMN IT! ARE YOU DOING THIS ON PURPOSE?!! JUST FORGET IT, OKAY? I'm sorry I asked! Just leave me alone. Just... just leave it, all right? Fine.

Unnggghhh. Ah... owww! Oohhhh. Christ, that aches!