I am a long time listener of the podcast. I am from Europe, hence the email rather than the phone call. My boyfriend and I (we are a male same-sex couple) have been abroad for a while and are back home for a few weeks before heading abroad again. During this time we are staying with good friends of ours, a hetero couple. The boyfriend is away for the duration of our stay and we are staying with the girlfriend.

My partner and I have been together for five years and we've discussed in detail the boundaries of our relationship and take a similar approach to you: We are monogomish, down for fun as long as both of us click with the third party. It has taken a lot of work to get to this point and we are really happy with our ability to communicate and work together to achieve sexual gratification and satisfaction.

We have both had hetero relationships, so we are still attracted to females and have often fantasized about introducing a cute girl into the mix. There has always been chemistry between the friend we are staying with. She finds us both attractive and visa-versa, and we always joked about hooking up. We have a really close bond and an amazing friendship that has been built on over many years of good times. The three of us ended up out on the town, completely drunk and well before we knew it the three of us were hooking up.

By the time we got home we all agreed how bad an idea it would be to take things further, nevertheless we became a hot writhing mass of bodies and I would be lying if I said none of us enjoyed it. It was really fucking hot to say the least. I just don't know how it happened.

The next day the three of us talked it out and debriefed agreeing not to tell another soul as long as we lived and that if her boyfriend found out it would not only ruin her relationship but our friendship with him also. So now after the fact I am feeling really guilty, this is really out of character for all of us and I feel like a really really shit friend. I am genuinely scared of the repercussions if this ever got out and how betrayed our friend would feel I know I would if the shoe was on the other foot.

We are staying with our friend for a few more weeks and as far as I can tell the three of us are happy to call it what it was and move on. There is naturally a bit of awkwardness between us but nothing so serious we can't laugh it off.

I guess my brain is just trying to process what has happened. I feel really guilty for enjoying an experience that has so much underlying deceit, mistrust, and infidelity attached to it especially knowing that her boyfriend is very traditional and views monogamy as the standard.

Our girlfriend did say that she can now tick off "threesome" off her list of life goals and that she would happily marry her boyfriend now that it's done.

I'm just not sure how I feel, it's not like me or any of us to let things get so out of hand. I feel guilty for enjoying it and for wanting it to happen again. I'm sure it won't and I would like to think that would be due to my better judgement. I hope you can give me some sort of guidance here. I want some genuine constructive feedback. I don't need to be told that I'm a bad person even though that's probably what I deserve. Hope you can give me some perspective.

The Unintentional Threesome That Unnerved Totally

How'd that happen?

You did it, TUTTUT, that's how it happened. In the moment and under the influence—not just of booze, but of lust, and opportunity as well—you and your boyfriend and this woman chose to have a threesome. And you and your boyfriend chose to have a threesome with not just any woman, not with some randogirl, but with an old friend whose boyfriend is also a friend, and whose wedding you'll likely be attending. And she chose to have a threesome not with a couple of randoboys she'd never have to see again, but with two dear old friends who are coming to her wedding. Messy!

Does that make you a bad person? Well, that depends. Do you do this regularly? I'm guessing not, TUTTUT, otherwise you wouldn't be wringing your hands about this one. So odds are good you're not a bad person, just your run-of-the-mill, mostly decent-ish person who occasionally does a bad, bad thing.

I would advise you to go ahead and feel awful and guilty and to introspect the shit out of yourself—go ahead and feel those feelings—because that will make less likely to do this bad thing again. (You'll do other bad things in future, of course, but they'll be different bad things.) Whatever you do, TUTTUT, don't compound the largely hypothetical harm you've already done to your male friend (what he doesn't know can't hurt him) by unburdening yourself to him or anyone else because that could do actual harm (what he does know could hurt him—and her). Take comfort in the thought that Mr. Monogamy could be out there sowing a few wild oats of his own—maybe he's got a bucket list too—and resolve to keep your mouths shut.

And finally, TUTTUT, here's a bonus thought/rationalization you can comfort yourself with: You two may have done a mitzvah with your dicks (a dicksvha?). There was something your friend wanted to experience before vowing to "forsake all others" and now, with your help and the help of both your dicks, she's done that thing... or she had it done to her... and you've upped her chances of being effortlessly and flawlessly monogamous for the rest of her long, long life. At least in theory.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.