I'm a 24-year-old bi woman confused about how to proceed in my relationship. My partner and I have been together for four years, and we have one child. I love him dearly, and we have a really good sex life. Still, there are problems in our relationship that I feel helpless to fix or to endure.

A couple of months into us being together, we were long distance. He struggles with depression and became totally derailed. He would talk constantly about hurting himself and refused to go to therapy. He needed constant reassurance that I would never leave him, often needing to be told this nonstop for hours each day. I felt totally alone and scared, and I became too emotionally involved with a male coworker. Although there was never any physical intimacy, it really damaged his trust in me when he found out that I was talking to a guy about our relationship and the guy developed a crush on me.

That was about four years ago. For over a year after that, my partner would rarely touch me. When I could get him to have sex, he wouldn't go down on me or show any interest in giving me pleasure. He forbid me to wear makeup and would lash out at me if I wore anything even slightly sexy outside of his company/supervision. He would also sometimes read my emails and go through my phone, although there was never anything wrong to find. I felt as though I would go through the rest of my life robbed of my sexuality and lonely.

A little over a year ago, I got totally fed up and could not take that anymore. We had some serious conversations about it, and our sex life really improved. We also started going to a swing club, which has been really fun for both of us.

Then, about eight months ago, our financial situation became really desperate (I'm in grad school) and I started escorting with his consent. While he constantly reiterates that he doesn't want me to stop doing it (which would entail me dropping out of college), his behavior around it has made me miserable. For a few months, he would read every work-related email and insult me if I said something flirtatious to a client. That's part of my job! He installed a GPS tracker on my phone, presumably for my safety, but would check it when I wasn't working and question me about why I took so long getting somewhere, etc. This was really degrading, and I was able to get him to stop tracking my location and reading every email. But still, he will become really distant and interrogate me about the details of my sessions if I see a client he thinks is attractive, and it feels really shaming.

And now for the current crisis. Since we started swinging, I've become comfortable with him showing interest in other women and try to support his sexuality. He talks about other women he is into, but totally loses it if I seem even a little attracted to anyone else. I brought up this inequity about a week ago and said I really needed to be able to express interests and feel free within the boundaries of our relationship. He agreed. We talked about a bi guy I had met recently who has been talking about swinging with his girlfriend, and I got the green light to start a conversation about possibly playing with them. After all, we have rarely found bi couples close to our age to play with, so this sounded like fun for both of us!

I'm regretting ever saying anything. The next time I ran into this guy, I started a conversation about swinging together, and I asked my partner if we could all go out for drinks. He agreed, and we talked about it at length. Despite lots of talking and reassurance, he started going through my phone while I was in the shower, opening up all of my messages and emails. He's done this several times over the past week, even though there hasn't been anything in there that wasn't agreed upon. I get seriously triggered by breaches of my privacy and have never done anything like that to him. I had parents who would read my diary as a teenager and punish me for anything sexual that I wrote. So, having my phone searched and emails read is a deal-breaker for me. I don't know how to get him to stop. We have had long talks about his concerns and he will say that he trusts me but then invade my privacy every chance he gets. He doesn't seem to think this is a problem and will argue that it's okay for him to do once in a while.

Thanks for reading, and I would love some advice!

The Boyfriend Experience

DTMFA.

Your partner has serious control issues — he's manipulative and emotionally abusive — and you need to grab your kid and go. Read this first, all the way through, and maybe spend some money on a lawyer. And document, if you can (copy emails, save texts), your partner's consent, encouragement, and assistance in the sex work you've been doing, TBE, as he may try to use that against you in a custody dispute.

This guy is an asshole. You deserve better. Get out of there.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.