This is in reference to the second letter in your column today (it was also the July 27th SLLOTD on SLOG). I am a good friend of the writer’s wife. I’m writing this of my own volition, though I got her permission before sending.

I am writing simply because I am sick of this prick’s manipulative actions and believe you should know the whole story (and how he involved you in it). He didn’t just cheat before they were married; he cheated multiple times with multiple women after they were married and never disclosed. (Note: the women he cheated with were sex workers. While I am 100% pro sex worker, there is a higher risk of STIs that comes with that profession and I am angry he continued to sleep with my friend without her knowing that she faced that increased risk). The cheating was both physical and emotional. A few weeks prior to the cheating coming to light, he had moved out to “work on himself and their relationship.” She was being supportive of his needs and giving him space.

Once she found the evidence she was incredibly mad, but got into therapy and was still open to reconciliation. To his credit, he sought treatment for sex addiction and substance abuse and also got into therapy. Now here’s the kicker: He never told her the relationship was over. She was still open to reconciliation, and was trying to work towards forgiveness to see if they still had a shot. SHE FOUND OUT IT WAS OVER BY READING HIS LETTER TO YOU. When she asked him about the letter, he would only communicate with her via text, casually mentioned that he is going to date other people, and feigned surprise that she didn’t know it was over. At every turn he has manipulated reality to fit his needs. He’s obviously too big of a coward to admit he doesn’t want to do the work to repair the marriage, and is now acting out in hopes she will divorce him. Thankfully for those of us who love her, I think it worked. That small bit of hope she had is now gone.

Thanks For Listening

Thanks for writing in, TFL, and seriously: fuck that guy—if your version of events is accurate, I mean, then fuck that guy.

One of the limitations of this tawdry sub-literary genre—the wrench in the works, the turd in the punchbowl, the sand in the lube—is that the person giving advice only has the version of events provided by the person asking for advice. Sometimes advice givers can spot an advice requester’s self-serving lie/lies and call them on it/them, TFL, but we usually have to take the details we’ve been given at face value and dish out advice accordingly. Every response could and perhaps should begin with a qualifier like, “If the version of events you’ve provided me with is accurate, advice requester, then my advice to you would be…” (Or in this case: “I’m going to assume you haven’t been sleeping with sex workers throughout your marriage and also that you’re not a complete asshole…”)

But the sad fact goes like this: If a advice requester omits pertinent and/or incriminating details and their bullshit/bullshitting isn’t obvious or spottable… well, omniscience isn’t one of the qualifications for this gig. But rest assured, TFL: my advice for NCA would’ve been very different if your letter had come in at the same time, or if I could’ve subpoenaed and deposed all involved before writing up my response (my fondest wish), or if, indeed, I were omniscient.

Knowing what I know now… and taking your version of events at face value… I would tell NCA that he was, indeed, a CPOS, and I would encourage him to refrain from making monogamous commitments he cannot keep and to remain in counseling until he gets a handle on his issues around sex, honesty, and assholery—and also to apologize to your friend, TFL, his soon-to-be/well-rid-of-him ex.